What a November for future hall of fame pitcher Justin Verlander (JV), as he won his first-ever World Series with the Houston Astros triumphing over the Dodgers on the 1st, and then wedded one of the world’s most desirable women–Kate Upton (KU)–on the 4th. Put it this way; Verlander had a better week than most people have entire lives. The Astros’ unprecedented run through the postseason gave plenty of opportunities for JV to pitch throughout the postseason, which he did mostly brilliantly.
However, that’s where the disappointment–and the inspiration for this list–came into play. While JV was the MVP of the ALCS, KU wasn’t nearly as exciting, dressing down and displaying virtually none of her radiancy. Was KU still pretty? Sure, but pretty faces are a dime-a-dozen, and KU did not skyrocket to fame based on her looks alone.
As JV hurled a 124-pitch, complete game, old school start in a 2-1 victory in Game 2 of the ALCS that Sports Illustrated declared, quite simply, “the Verlander Game,” KU dressed very conservatively. The getup was a lame purple top and some kind of sun ray design on it and a skirt that screamed: “Hey, look at Auntie Kate trying to be hot!”
If you’ve followed interviews with Verlander and Upton, you’ll know that there’s no hanky panky with the couple on or right before game-day. So perhaps Upton’s fashion choices were because she didn’t want her man getting too excited and breaking his pre-game routine.
The rest of the world wants KU looking as hot as possible. With that in mind, we’ve compiled a list of KU’s hottest looks that a jealous JV would never want to see whenever he’s throwing strikes at the old ball game.
15. WEARING A YANKEES CAP
Even though the Astros were able to avoid collapsing in the ALCS to the Yankees, Justin Verlander would not want to see his bodacious fiancee decked out in a Yankees cap in any circumstances. That is, unless, JV had been traded to the Bronx Bombers instead of Houston. Before she started dating JV, KU was apparently a Yankees fan as she showed off in these sexy pics….from 2003. The New York Post capitalized on those snaps of KU by declaring “Hey Houston, Kate Upton is Definitely a Yankee Fan” in their October 13, 2017 issue. But JV and KU got the last laugh on the tabloid paper, capturing the pennant and then the World Series. Considering KU hails originally from Michigan, it seems like she would have been a Detroit Tigers fan–JV’s original team–from the get-go, but such are the ironies of life.
14. WEARING A SWIMSUIT
Despite the often sultry Houston climate, it’s safe to say that Justin Verlander would not want to see Kate Upton decked out in a revealing bikini at Minute Maid Park, where the Astros finished the season with an an 18-3 record at home–including an 8-1 postseason mark–since Hurricane Harvey devastated the city this past August. But wearing a bikini is pretty much KU’s raison d’être–her reason for existing–so the rest of the world would have truly been deprived should KU had chosen instead to become the hottest suburban mom on planet earth instead of a boob-bearing cover girl.
13. POSING FOR ITALIAN MAGAZINES
After being engaged for years, Kate Upton and Justin Verlander finally tied the knot November 4 at their wedding held Rosewood Castiglion Del Bosco, which is interestingly enough, both a hill town and a commune in the picturesque Tuscany region of Italy. Upton and JV held the small wedding in the Province of Siena with friends and family in attendance. Suffice it to say that Verlander prefers Upton in virginal white as opposed to the femme fatale black she donned for an Italian Vogue shoot in 2012.
Maybe it was something about being in Europe, where everyone’s inhibitions seem to relax and loosen, but Upton seemed more flat-out sensual in this gallery of shots than in many of her American shoots, like for Sports Illustrated, where’s she still sexy but not steamy. The Kate Upton in the Italian Vogue shoot is not the woman you marry, it’s the party girl you have a wild weekend with in Atlantic City where nobody says a word.
12. Her Sizzling Heels
This provocative pose features Kate Upton in a shimmering silver dress with yellow heels (signalling “yield” but not “stop,” perhaps?). This picture truly exemplifies KU’s widespread appeal–her ability to skirt the line between playful innocence and heightened sexuality. And don’t think for a minute that powerful women like Kate Upton associate wearing such suggestive heels with being “girls” who are merely to be “obscene and not heard” as John Lennon once famously phrased the male chauvinist attitude towards women. On the contrary, powerful female icons have embraced the high heel as a symbol of power and stature–literally and figuratively. Upton looks like she’s ready for a night on the town and probably going to a really swank club. And it’s sure not something Verlander needs to think about on game day!
11. DOWN ON THE FARM
Houston is part of Southern USA, known for its agricultural commerce and rural lifestyle. Part of that entails women dressing in skimpy clothing, but that doesn’t mean JV wants to see his new bride ‘rassling with chickens and pigs. But for the rest of us, it’s another sexy slice of Ms. Upton. The irony of this playful pic is that the farm is often a nightmare for the often unfortunate animals that inhabit them. We’re not referring to the inevitability of the slaughterhouse, but rather their horrible “lives” of caged confinement these animals lead prior to becoming burgers, nuggets and pet food.
Fortunately, Kate has stood up for shelter animals. Upton and Verlander hosted a “Dog Adoption Day” this past March in Lakeland, Florida during Verlander’s spring training when he was still with the Tigers.
10. More Sports Illustrated Magic
Another few entries down the list, another steamy SI picture for Justin Verlander to object to. For our next entry, we continue our exploration of Kate Upton’s glorious body. Per Body Measurements’ informative “Female Body Shape” page, KU is the proud possessor of an “Apple Shape” body type. Women with “Apple Shapes” store fat primarily in the belly area, and have smaller hips, while twins can range in size. Another sultry celeb who embodies the “Apple” bod is Lindsay Lohan. By the way, in this context “Apple” happens to be a reference to the fruit, not the pretentiously overpriced tech product line. Upton definitely has a shape that appeals to many and this is just one of her many pictures where it’s on full display.
9. BATTING AT THE PLATE/RUNNING THE BASES
These pics of Kate Upton playing ball in the 2011 Taco Bell All Star Legends Celebrity Softball Game again proved she had a baseball life before Justin Verlander. There’s that damn Yankees cap again, which kind of confirms that before hooking up with Verlander–and thus, rooting for any team he happens to pitch for–Upton was indeed a New York Yankees fan. Such fanhood could indicate a need on the part of Upton to gravitate towards “winners”–for when that picture was taken, the Yankees were less than two years removed from their fifth Wolf Series title in the Jeter era, ranging from 1996-2009. We suppose it would have been too much to ask for Upton to have rooted for a downtrodden team at the time like the Houston Astros, which lost 106 games in 2011. Ironic that Upton would later become the Astros’ most famous fan a scant six years later.
8. AT THE MELBOURNE CUP
Hotness may be downplayed at an all-American baseball game, but not at the “sport of kings”–aka thoroughbred horse racing. At these “high society” events, women like Kate Upton are expected to dress to the hilt and even show a bit of skin. Leave it to her to pull off both in grand fashion. But is horse racing truly the “sport of kings”–or an outmoded, barbaric exploitation of a noble animal? If you’re intellectually honest, it’s the latter. Per a 2014 piece by The Atlantic, horses are used, abused and drugged by too many capricious owners who shouldn’t be owning a goldfish, let alone complex animals like horses. But apparently Upton sees no contradiction between her activist work for animals and supporting a sport like horse racing predicated on animal cruelty.
7. GOING OUT FOR FAST FOOD
In 2012, Kate Upton’s Super Bowl ad for Carl Jr’s was ultimately banned by uptight advertisers who are in denial about sex. Sex sells–just not too much of it. The hypocrisy is glaring, but remains prevalent. In the ill-fated ad, wearing an irresistible pink sweater and polka dot dress, Upton is indeed the ultimate “pin-up girl;” retro babes like Marilyn Monroe who embody beauty as well as sharing their voluptuous and curvy figures with the world.
Verlander wouldn’t care much for this get-up because it’s simply too innocent, and when worn by a woman the likes of Upton, the innocence becomes decadence very quickly. There was a time when innocence was indeed sexy and Upton exemplifies that as well as any woman has in the 21st century.
This picture is relatively tame compared to some others you’ve seen or will see on this list, but it proves that Upton doesn’t necessarily have to have her twins popping out to appeal to the eyes. Here, she is simply posing in some workout attire by a locker but yet she still oozes sex appeal and if she were walking around the Astros locker room like this, you’d be sure that the Astros wouldn’t have had quite the focus they showed throughout their postseason run. They’re only human after all. Verlander is under contract for another three years with the Astros, a team that seems set to dominate the American League for the foreseeable future. To keep Verlander in top form, the couple will have to stick to their routine of avoiding ‘physical activity’ close to game time.
5. Aye Aye, Captain
After disposing of the Yankees, Justin Verlander and Kate Upton headed to Hollywood–and the adjoining beaches, where Kate is very comfortable–though perhaps Justin isn’t so much. Of course, before Verlander ultimately got dealt to the eventual world champion Astros, there were plenty of rumors that had the righthander heading to Chavez Ravine to hurl for the Bums, in July.
During the World Series, Kate was spotted along with a gaggle of other celebs, including Lady Gaga herself taking in the Dodgers’ first World Series appearance since 1988, when Kate was four years from being born. Of course this entry was simply an excuse to post another shot of Upton at the beach, this time as a sea captain–but then, you’re not complaining, now are you? Neither are we. Here’s to many more.
4. APPEARING IN A HOLLYWOOD “ROM-COM”
Although no one will be confusing Kate Upton with a classically trained actress such as Meryl Streep anytime soon–or ever–KU has carved out a cinematic career over the years. Her Hollywood pursuits don’t seem to make KU any more famous–or desired–but they do add a measure of legitimacy to her resume that would likely otherwise not exist, with her relying solely on provocative photo shoots and TV talk show appearances.
One particularly cynical–but honest–article on the subject was published by D Listed, which declared that the only reason anyone would want to see the 2014 romantic comedy The Other Woman was due to the inclusion of Upton’s bouncing twins. The dripping-with-sarcasm piece goes as far as to suggest that co-stars Cameron Diaz and Leslie Mann should have simply stood around and filed their nails during scenes, since all eyes would be on KU’s camera-friendly face and over-the-top physical attributes.
3. CELEBRATING EASTER
Maybe if he was pitching on an Easter Sunday, Verlander would like to look from the mound, up at Kate in a suite in a sun dress that would do at a church service. But he certainly wouldn’t want to see her dressed as some kind of sexy bunny, as she was in this racy photo shoot. As you can plainly see, even though Easter is Christianity’s most sacred holiday, it is the pagan symbols associated with the holiday that surround Kate the Great in this picture, most notably the egg and the rabbit. The pagan origins of Christianity are numerous. Indeed, Ms. Upton herself is donning the bunny ears that signify reproduction and renewal. The MLB sometimes opens the season on Easter weekend so this is definitely a picture Verlander needs to avoid when prepping for opening day.
2. AS A NUN
Now here’s a Upton look you might think Verlander would be cool with–because what’s more celibate, pure and innocent than a nun, right? Except when it’s KU portraying such a cloistered woman of God, as she did when appearing in the ill-fated 2012 Three Stooges movie that foolishly attempted to recapture the 1930s and ’40s black-and-white magic of the original Moe, Larry and Curly shorts.
As usual, Kate grabbed most of the headlines as the sexiest nun ever, it resulted in the Catholic church predictably protesting the movie in their typical reactionary manner. Upton’s role recalls that Catholic nuns have been plagued with sex scandals throughout their existence. Per Daily Beast, a 2015 book detailed a 19th century scandal centered around nuns engaging in threesomes with priests and other sordid dalliances. When you read some of that sick stuff, Kate’s nun portrayal is positively beatific.
1. BANNED “CAT DADDY” VIDEO
One final entry, one final swimsuit and one last banned video. For our number one slot, it has to be the 2012 “Cat Daddy” video that ultimately got censored. Per Page Six, the video was purported to violate YouTube’s “policy on nudity or sexual content.” If that’s the case, that “policy” has gone pretty lax–and we wonder if YouTube management has actually seen any content on their site recently. We won’t post any examples here, but there’s content currently on YouTube that’s a lot more nude and sexual than that Cat Daddy video. But that’s corporate hypocrisy for you. And now that our list has concluded, we truly wish Justin and Kate the best in their future life together, and appreciate their being good sports as we had a little fun with this post-modern power couple.
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