Tipsy, stewed, soaked, off the trolley, on a bender, full of the bug-juice, and all mops and brooms are just some of the many ways we describe someone who’s intoxicated. With thousands upon thousands of years to perfect the art of getting wasted, we aren’t surprised by what we see today.
Historians have dated alcoholic beverages back to 7000 BC, which is an incredibly long time. Baseball has been around for a little over a hundred years, but it’s as American as feeding your face with bar glasses. The two just go hand in hand and some of the greatest baseball players ever were also hardcore drinkers. One such example is Mickey Mantle, who didn’t have to pay for one drink during his time as a New York Yankee.
We can’t imagine what kind of photos there would be if there were smartphones a hundred years ago. Luckily, smartphones have hit the public market for some time now and we have loads of hilarious photos from this generation of MLB players. We would like to point out that not everyone on the list is still active, but that doesn’t take away from a hilarious image.
So sit back, take a swig on your favorite drink, and enjoy.
15 Pat Burrell
The “Met Killer” Pat Burrell made a killing off of the long ball during his career. After his great stint with the Philadelphia Phillies, he went onto Tamp Bay before retiring with the San Francisco Giants. He did help the Giants win two World Series Championships in 2008 and 2010 before calling it a career after 2011.
While researching for this list, you would be surprised how many times Burrell came up. He has a drink in his hand in a lot of photos and there is a questionable BDSM image floating around as well, which we obviously can't show here. As we can see, Burrell is teaching the young lady how to wear a hat properly. He’s so good at it, he doesn’t even need to have his eyes open.
14 Babe Ruth
We may be cheating a bit herem but this is the most authentic image that we will ever get to see of The Great Bambino drinking. If only there were smartphones, Twitter, and TMZ back then. Well, maybe not TMZ, but the other two would have been cool. Babe Ruth is a God of the sport. He was also known for drinking men under the table just as much as his home runs and appetite for hot dogs.
This photo doesn’t have hot dogs or baseballs, but it does have him sipping back on a nice cold one. We’re pretty sure this wasn’t his first bucket of brew, especially if he caught all those fish. We’re also pretty sure it wasn’t his last bucket on the day.
13 Miguel Cabrera
When you’re smiling on a mug shot after getting arrested, chances are you had a little too much fun that night.
There’s no denying he’s one heck of a player on the field, but off of it, his party life has got him into some serious trouble. In 2011, things took a bad turn when Miguel was arrested for a DUI. The situation went from bad to worse when Cabrera took a sip of scotch while being questioned by the police.
The situation was even sadder because of the fact that he was actually already entered into an alcoholic abuse program to help with his battle against alcoholism.
Thankfully today, those problems seems to be behind him and Cabrera is still enjoying an elite All-Star like career.
12 David Wright
There isn’t anyone more appreciated in the NY Mets organization than Captain America himself, David Wright. He grew up in the system, was a Mets fan as a child, and successfully established himself as one of the better third basemen in the game during his career. With dashing good looks, a perfect smile, and an awesome personality, we aren’t surprised Wright was the life of a party in New York.
Sure, he’s only played in 75 games the last two seasons, but that hasn’t stopped the people of New York from loving him. When Wright walks into a bar in Manhattan, you don’t just give him the VIP room, you give the guy the keys to your place. As we can see, Wright was full heartedly showing his bartending skills. We don’t know if we’re blinded by those pearly whites or his watch.
11 Zach Duke
Zach Duke was a highly touted prospect in the Pittsburgh Pirates system before being called up in 2005. In ’04, he was awarded Pittsburgh’s Minor League Pitcher of the Year and Carolina League Pitcher of the Year by posting a 2.46 ERA and producing a 15.6 record. Maybe that’s why somebody decided to draw the devil’s horns, mustache, and goatee on his face because the dude could flat out pitch like a demon.
Since then, Duke has bounced around the league, playing for the Arizona Diamondbacks, Washington Nationals, Cincinnati Reds, Milwaukee Brewers, and the Chicago White Sox and St. Louis Cardinals this year. Maybe Duke didn’t sell his soul to the devil after all. Regardless, what makes this photo even better is the detailed unibrow seen on Duke’s face.
10 Jake Peavy
Blowing bottles can bring out the musical creativity in anyone’s soul. Oh wait, the one-time National League Cy Young Award winner isn’t getting in touch with his ingenuity but rather taking a bottle straight to the dome. Who wouldn’t after shredding the entire league in 2007 and then quietly never having the same impact on the game since?
Anyone who has been to the bar has seen that one person, eyes closed, drink in hand, probably swaying back and forth, and ever so lightly taking sips from the same cup for an hour straight because they’re already blasted from a night of drinking. You can also look at this photo another way. A man doesn’t drink from a glass, he drinks straight from the bottle. Peavy may be playing for the San Francisco Giants, but his career is winding down after a 5-9 record this year and those bottles just might keep coming.
9 Ryan Howard
Ryan Howard helped ignite a fire under a dying franchise (Philadelphia Phillies) as soon as he debuted in 2004. His towering size and strength would help him become one of the new faces of the long ball. He was named National League Rookie of the Year in 2005 and he won the National League MVP Award a year later. It didn’t end there as the Phillies would win the World Series in 2008, their first championship since 1980.
What comes with great success? Great parties. We can clearly see a fan thanking Howard for his contributions in the MLB. What’s even cooler about Howard is he can pull off looking good in a Hawaiian shirt. Whether he was drinking Jack and coke or straight Jameson on the rocks, we doubt it was his last drink on the night.
8 Kevin Youkilis
There are usually only two reasons why anyone would stick their tongue out in public. The first is because a baby is present and you want to communicate with the little one, so you stick your tongue out. The second is because you're wasted and someone pulled out a camera. We don’t think there were any babies around Kevin Youkilis when he took this photo.
He has all the hallmarks of someone who is boozy woozy. The glassy eyes, flush cheeks, and the let me touch your cheek with my tongue look can be a winner for anyone. If you win two World Series championships, we’re pretty sure you can do mostly anything you want within legal reasoning. Regardless, it’s still weird seeing Youkilis without a beard.
7 AJ Pierzynski
No offense to any professional baseball players, but most of them can pass off as the neighbor down the street or the junior high gym teacher. Case in point, Mr. AJ Pierzynski, who’s is an absolute professional and stud on the field, but an everyday looking guy in real life. If you didn’t know who he was and saw him in person, you wouldn’t think that he helped catapult the Chicago White Sox to a World Series title in 2005.
Without a doubt, Pierzynski is whispering into this lady’s ear, “I’m a real baseball player, believe me.” The lean-in stance by Pierzynski and the fact that the woman has a ring on her finger makes this an epic photo. We wonder how the night played out for both.
6 Mike Napoli Part 1
We can all but guarantee if Mike Napoli didn’t become a major league baseball player, he would be the owner of a pizza and bar restaurant. We may be stereotyping his name, but the guy does like to drink and who doesn’t enjoy the awesome taste of pizza? What we see in this picture is a professional business relationship between someone who owns a bar and a customer of great importance.
If you’re a professional, you don’t need a shirt and you can chill behind the bar all you want. We know that one guy in the background of this photo is jealous. This epic image just can’t end here, can it? Nope, we got one more for you Napoli nuts out there and it’s a classic.
5 Mike Napoli Part 2
So the owner of a bar just got you all juiced up and you’re ready to mingle with the crowd. Just grab a bottle and make sure your beard matches that of Chewbacca and you’re good to go. Judging by all the Boston Red Sox gear, this photo was definitely taken during his time with the club. How does an owner even advertise for this?
Does he have a one night only event where anyone can touch Mike Napoli’s bare chest? Napoli is digging it, as long as he doesn’t pick up any unwarranted diseases. For some of these people, it may be the highlight of their existence. As they grow old, they can tell their grandchildren about the night they touched an inebriated Napoli.
4 Dustin Pedroia
There has been one reoccurring theme that has been popping up throughout this list. Baseball players are also amateur bartenders. Dustin Pedroia has been with one team in his decade-long career, the Boston Red Sox. If David Ortiz is the Tom Brady of the Red Sox than Pedroia is the Julian Edelmen of the team. He’s been a part of two World Series Championship Series wins in 2007 and 2013 and won the American League MVP Award in 2008.
The way things are going this year, Boston might end up with another ring, which will only enhance Pedroia's status as a God in Beantown. We don’t believe Pedroia has a deal with the hotel establishment Holiday Inn, but we doubt they’re complaining about the free advertisement. With a bottle in one hand and a drink in another, Pedroia blesses the Gods for making him a great baseball player.
3 Brett Lawrie
Brett Lawrie made his debut in 2011 for the Toronto Blue Jays but he started drinking the booze way before then. We really don’t know what to think of this photo of Lawrie sipping on some adult juice. Maybe we can’t think straight because we’re blinded by that chain around his neck or we just never seen a bare-chested man make a facial expression like that.
What we do know is Lawrie is doing "Edward 40 hands" all wrong. The taping of a 40 to your hand was named after Ted Burton’s cult classic movie Edward Scissorhands, where the main character had scissors for hands, if that wasn't obvious enough. Lawrie seems to be only going 50 percent with the game as he supposed to have both hands taped with 40s.
2 Derek Jeter
No athlete in baseball has shaken up the partying scene more than Derek Jeter did during his Hall of Fame career. When you have New York City in the palm of your hand, you can do no wrong. How can you not love an American League MVP, a Golden Glover and five-time World Series Champion? The number of women Jeter has been with is epic and, even though he’s retired, he’s probably still adding to his tally.
His swagger and coolness as a baseball player hadn’t been seen in the city since the late Yankee great, Mickey Mantle. When checking out the picture, we don’t think Jeter is getting his sun tan game on or that he’s tired from a hard day of work. You be the judge.
1 Theo Epstein
He's not a player, but still a baseball prodigy, a once in a lifetime General Manager, and one of the greatest baseball stories in the game while not donning a uniform. Theo Epstein became the youngest General Manager in the history of baseball when the Boston Red Sox hired him at the age of 28 in 2002. In just two years, he would put together a team that would break an 86-year old World Series championship drought.
Just let that sink in. A 28-year-old ends eight decades of tragedy, hardship, and suffering in just two years. What’s even crazier is he might end a 107-year old drought with the Chicago Cubs this year. Mr. Epstein, you can drink as much as you want and look like a drunken sailor in public, you deserve it.