All bets are off when I go to a ballpark, stadium or arena. When I’m going to see a game or concert, I don’t care how bad it is for me, I’m gonna eat like I don’t actually watch my weight constantly. There aren’t many things more fun than taking in some entertainment and stuffing your face at the same time. Maybe it’s just the memories of when I was a kid. I love getting ice cream filled helmets when I take in a baseball game and have since I was like five years old. I’ll eat as bad as the next guy be it a sloppy burger or some fried chicken, but some of the things they sell at the ballpark nowadays are not fit for human consumption.
It’s not just the actual contents that make something gnarly, it can be the taste, texture, flavor, look, calorie count or just the sound of it. There are plenty of items on here that I assume are just offered for sheer shock value because there’s nobody in their right mind could eat some of these.
There are hundreds of ballparks across America and each wants to stand out with their own special attraction. I have to think that we’re approaching the “jump the shark” point, with the sort of offerings that can be found across the U.S. Without further delay, here are the Top 15 Most Disgusting Ballpark Foods You Should Never Eat.
15 Mater Sandwich
I’m starting with this because, no joke, my wife has been eating these sandwiches for the past few months. She’s pregnant, so maybe the person that came up with this idea was as well. It’s the Kannapolis Intimidators Mater Sandwich and its tomatoes, mayonnaise, salt and pepper between two pieces of grilled white bread. That’s it. They should call this the no frills because that’s what you get with a sandwich of this magnitude. For the record, I’m not interested in this sandwich and haven’t been any of the times my wife made it either.
14 The Wicked Pig
Enjoy the game at Globe Life Park in Arlington because you’re sure to slip into a pork coma if you find the ability to tackle this sandwich. The Wicked Pig is constructed of five different kinds of pork (pulled pork, bacon, sausage, prosciutto and ham) on a roll and topped with cole slaw, pork rinds and BBQ sauce. Am I the only one that feels the meat sweats coming on? If the absurdity of this sandwich doesn’t deter you, perhaps the $27 price tag will.
13 Buffalo Cauliflower Poutine
The Rogers Centre isn’t leaving vegetarians out of the mix. I get that this is Canada and all, but I don’t know if I can get behind fried cauliflower tossed in buffalo sauce and topped with cheese curds, gravy and scallions. If it’s supposed to be a healthier option, it’s not. It sounds like quite a mess of flavors of the smelliest variety. Good luck if you’re sitting next to the guy who gets this in the first inning because by the fourth you’ll be asking for a gas mask.
12 Krispy Kreme Donut Dog
The Wilmington Blue Rocks aren’t messing around with this concoction that will surely give your internal organs a run for their money. Seriously, a hot dog is bad enough for you, let alone one topped with bacon. But because that isn’t enough, some food analytics guy at Krispy Kreme decided to stuff all of that inside a jelly donut. This is the kind of thing that you might see at the state fair, and that’s where it belongs. Can you see Connie Mack giving his approval to something like this?
11 The Urban Legend
There’s a lot of pork on this list and I’m cool with that. I’ve got no problem with pork, but why must we always feel the need to go overboard? In this case, the Fresno Grizzlies went to the extreme. How does a pulled pork sandwich drenched with Coca-Cola BBQ sauce pique your interests? Not ridiculous enough? Well have no fear, this sandwich is topped with Pop Rocks. I’m pretty sure that’s what killed the Life cereal kid.
10 The Elvis Jabberdog Brownie
If you don’t already have diabetes, this dessert at Globe Life Park in Arlington could certainly give it to you. It’s basically four different sweet treats rolled into one cavity-inducing carb bomb. It starts with a two-foot long brownie that’s rolled in a Rice Krispy crust. Take that mess and drop it funnel cake batter before deep frying what will likely be the death of you. Need more? Well you’re getting it in the form of whipped cream AND MORE BROWNIE. This definitely sounds like something Elvis would eat.
9 Champions Alley Burger
Having a tough time deciding whether you want a burger or fried food at the ballgame? Get both with the Champions Alley Burger at Kauffman Stadium in Kansas City. Who wouldn’t want a cheese-stuffed, tempura-battered bacon cheddar cheese burger to put them to sleep before the fourth inning gets underway. Seriously, I’m thinking about a nap just reading about this thing. Don’t forget the sweet slaw, chipotle ketchup and more fried goodness, in the form of a pickle. If you’ve made it this far then the $19 price tag isn’t going to scare you away.
8 Cracker Jack and Mac Dog
If you hate yourself then listen up because the next item is sure to lead you to sulk in shame for days. Thank you PNC Park for the Cracker Jack and Mac dog, and yes, it’s everything you imagine and more. It’s a foot-long hot dog on a pita and covered with mac and cheese, but why stop there? Throw on some jalapenos, Cracker Jack and caramel sauce. I live by the rule that mustard is the condiment of choice on a hot dog. Caramel sauce is not mustard. Who is eating this?!
7 Pulled Pork Parfait
This concoction looks as gross as it sounds. Pulled pork in a parfait cup stacked in between layers of mashed potatoes. Ok, perhaps this isn’t as bad as it sounds, but the idea of eating it like ice cream sort of kills the dream for me. This strange treat can be yours if you visit Miller Park in Milwaukee or you can just follow it on Twitter. Yes, this slice of Americana may be the only food on this list that has its own social media following.
6 Big Mother Funnel Burger
If anyone out there reading this has eaten one of these things, please reach out to me on Twitter. I fail to believe that someone actually could and not have to have bypass surgery. Don’t believe me? Well the Big Mother Funnel Burger is a one-pound cheeseburger, with half a dozen slices of bacon sandwiched between two funnel cakes. Before you ask, of course there’s powdered sugar. To make it healthy, a leaf of lettuce. Why even bother with the lettuce? Get your own at Fox Cities Stadium, home of the Wisconsin Timber Rattlers.
5 Bacon and Eggs
I can say with absolute certainty that I will never eat the Bacon and Eggs at Comerica Park. Who in their right minds goes to a baseball game and says, you know what, give me the deviled eggs! It sounds like you’re going to spend the next eight innings in the bathroom wishing you just got some fried chicken. The eggs are on top of a nice looking slab of bacon, and topped with fried jalapenos, both of which I’m totally cool with, but deviled eggs? Mass produced for consumption at a ballpark? Nope. Not in this lifetime.
4 The Punisher
Look, we can be honest here, right? A pork rib meat sandwich slathered in BBQ sauce and topped with beer-battered onion rings and a handful of bacon probably isn’t the healthiest option that you’ll find at Atlanta’s Turner Field. Now consider that the BBQ sauce has been infused with Monster energy drink. Perhaps the blood racing through your body as a result of the Monster energy drink can cut down on the plaque that’s building up in your arteries from the rest of the sandwich. Or maybe this is just your idea of cheat day.
Not to be outdone by themselves, Turner Field also sports a creation that combines two of your favorite fast foods into one diet-killing mess. It’s called the Burgerizza and combines a 20-ounce burger, cheese and of course bacon between two 8-inch pepperoni pizzas. That doesn’t even sound good! If I wanted a burger, a 20-ounce patty would be like twice what I need and if I wanted a pizza, two 8-inch pizzas is what I would eat if I was being dared. Combining all of that into one meal is the definition of gluttony.
2 Rocky Mountain Oysters
Why would anyone decide that it’s okay to deep fry bull testicles for human consumption? There are people that say they’re delicious, but I will just have to take their word for it. You can get your fill of these while counting balls and strikes at Coors Field in Denver. See what I did there? I guess after you’ve gotten a fill of the local herb scene, anything will taste good to fill those munchies. How many times do I have to say it?! TESTICLES!
1 Moby Dick Sandwich
You know what I want when I go to a baseball game on a hot summer day? Not a fried fish sandwich and especially not one that consists of five quarter-pound fish filets, cheese, clam strips, a third-pound of French fries, cole slaw and more on a 15-inch sesame seed roll. Be prepared to hit a Zumba class the next day as this sandwich comes in at 4,000 calories and 200 grams of fat. Find it in Lake county Ohio, home of the Captains.