Alcohol: the ultimate equalizer. Whether you're just over five feet tall and 140 pounds or a seven-foot, three-hundred pound giant, enough booze can turn anybody into a mess. Even the largest, toughest men in the world have met their match when confronted with Mr. Jack Daniels or Mr. Jim Beam. These NBA players are no exception. There's the glazed over look in their eyes. There's the faces you've never seen them make before. There's the imbalance of their posture. Perhaps the best part is the progression. A night out begins with a couple drinks and ends with lampshades on heads or cartwheels in the club. To be honest, it's all pretty funny.
Although they can still jump higher than us normal people or dunk a basketball on a ten-foot rim, they are finally on equal ground. That's the point of this list. It's to show that anybody, including the biggest stars of the NBA, can be on the same footing as the reader and the author.
Luckily, plenty of us fans have taken the opportunity to snag a picture with an NBA star. But not too many have been fortunate enough to party with champions. Lets take a look at 15 hilarious pictures of drunk NBA stars.
15 Tyler Hansbrough
We're going to start out fairly tame here. So Tyler Hansbrough, Mr. "Psycho T" seems like while he may have a runner's high going on, he's also got a runner's hammered that's competing for attention. By the looks of his fans, Hansbrough is giving off the vibe that he's been at the bar for a couple hours already. It also seems to be a bar that lets you bring your own alcohol in. Do you see that brown bag? What's in there? Colt 45? Olde English 800? Steel Reserve? Whatever it is, I'm willing to be that it has contributed to Hansbrough's closed eyes and leaning posture. It looks like his neck is trying to channel its inner Mr. Fantastic from the Fantastic Four. He also looks like this is his best attempt at a smile. For the moment, it's probably the best he can do and since it's the icing on the cake that is this picture, I'm happy with it.
14 Joakim Noah
This picture is absolutely terrifying. I'm an avid Game of Thrones watcher and I'm hard-pressed to think of anything from that show that gives me nightmares more often than this picture. In fact, I can't. This picture has everything. The bugged out eyeballs. The serial killer smile. There's an uncertainty about this picture that shakes me to my core. Unlike the Tyler Hansbrough picture, Noah isn't slouched over and his eyes are trying to escape his head rather than slide into his brain. As a Chicago Bulls fan, I can always appreciate Noah's combination of a take-no-prisoners attitude and a fun-loving goof. Looking at this picture, I don't know which Noah this is. However, those ladies will always have a memorable picture to frame. I can't stop laughing when I look at it because it's as hilarious as it is scary. Hopefully tonight I'll dream of walking undead ice zombies rather than Joakim Noah with a Corona.
13 Mike Dunleavy Jr.
We're going to stay on a Chicago Bulls kick for a minute and feature this dandy of Mike Dunleavy Jr. The first time I saw this picture, I snorted and nearly spit out my diet coke. Contrary to Joakim Noah, Dunleavy doesn't have the reputation of a goofball or a partier. That makes all the difference here. I'd have to guess that this is between beer number eight and ten. Or, it could be that Dunleavy is having a bad reaction to whatever was in that shot glass in his hand. Heck, he might be thinking that he's holding a microphone and he's belting out "Satisfaction" by The Rolling Stones. Similar to the Noah picture, this one also has a bit of uncertainty. However, I'm not nearly as scared. Although he never lived up to his number three overall pick status, Dunleavy has certainly lived up to his alcoholic potential.
12 Steve Nash
I wonder what the context of this is. It looks like a banquet or a wedding, but secretly I'm hoping this is a high school graduation party. On a cursory first look, this picture almost could be Anthony Kiedis of the Red Hot Chili Peppers. I had to really study the picture before noticing that Nash isn't rocking the singer's mustache. But if he wanted to, he wouldn't even have to wait to grow it. He could just rip a hunk of chest hair out and superglue it above his lip. There's so many options that Nash could go with! Handlebar? Fu Manchu? Toothbrush? Salvador Dali? All of those are fine options. I'm sure that what the person who's getting a face full of chest fuzz is thinking right now. This poor man or woman probably dared Nash to rip his dress shirt open, thinking that there's no way somebody would do this. Well, they will never underestimate Steve Nash again.
11 Reggie Miller
It's throwback time! This is a special throwback because it works in two different ways. The first, obvious way is that Reggie Miller was a phenomenal player from the 90s. The second way is - LOOK AT HIS SHIRT! In addition to the olive green v-neck sweater vest, Miller is rocking the paisley dress shirt, inspiring Tobias Funke years in the future. This picture is just pure, unadulterated joy from Miller. Who's going to be unhappy if you're pouring vodka down another person's throat? The answer is nobody. Also, what was the dress code for this party? Miller's friend is also rocking the Hawaiian short-sleeve, telling me that if I was ten years older at the time, I would have been at this party all night long. This looks like a party that my friends and I threw when we were 21. I wonder if there's any chance of getting Miller to re-enact this photo now. Boy, I hope so. I'll even find him a new shirt.
10 Tony Parker
This is a perfect example of how not to hover-hand when taking a picture. Parker has his hands firmly gripped on these women's shoulders like he's trying to climb a rock wall. Also, his hands look like they could be some sort of spider creature from a Sci-Fi Channel original movie. Since there's no other context for this picture, there's a chance that Parker's hands could have mutated right after the photo was taken. I'm sure if it were an hour earlier, Parker would have his eyes open and been smiling wide. Fortunately, it wasn't earlier and these ladies have a photo that they'll treasure forever. Parker might not treasure it, but everyone else in the world would. I'll bet that he's staring way off into the distance, not even looking at the camera, but because his eyes are so close to being closed, it looks like he's staring right at the cameraman.
9 Greg Oden
This might be the worst halloween costume ever. Is Greg Oden so afraid to show his face in public that he has to resort to putting on a mask for a halloween party? It's a fine mask, but it only covers half of your face, Greg! It's not going to work! People are still going to recognize you! You're drawing more attention to yourself because the rest of you isn't dressed up as the Phantom of the Opera. You're dressed up as Greg from accounting on casual friday. Of course, Oden isn't even looking at the camera, as he's probably wondering who this random guy is and if he's dressed up as Raoul, who kidnaps the Phantom's love. Are we going to see Oden defend Christine and fight for his love? Find out next time on Masterpiece Theater! This is what happen when you've been drinking. You transport yourself to a 1925 movie and fight people.
8 Charles Barkley
I don't know what it is about open mouth pictures. They make me laugh more often than any other type. This masterpiece of Charles Barkley is no exception. If you think I'm lying, take a 20 second video of yourself reading a book or pause a movie during a random conversation. Then, pause the video as often as you can. You're going to find some great faces. This looks like somebody caught Barkley mid-sentence and Sir Charles just managed to start to turn his head to the camera. His eyes are facing one way and his mouth is moving the other way. It looks like both pieces of his body are trying to separate themselves. Maybe he's at the same party as Tony Parker and they're going to get tested by the government for radiation. Judging by the beer bottles in front of him, Barkley's going to have a bunch of these photos tagged in the morning.
7 Charlie Villanueva
"Hello? Yeah, I can't talk right now, I'm at this party. Yeah, I've got the jersey on. Look, people are going to want to take pictures with me and I've got to make sure that they see the team I'm repping. It's my favorite jersey! Yeah I know that most of them won't care about it, but I care about it. Isn't that what matters? I'm a famous NBA player and I'm supposed to look good when I go to parties. Look, I've got to get going, I just walked in the door. Yes, I'll make sure to let the dog out when I get home, and I'll make sure to lock the back door."
"Oh my God, is that Charlie Villanueva? Isn't he a famous basketball player? Let's go get a photo with him."
"Hi ladies, I figure you want a photo with me. Well, if you let me in the front, it'll be better, and then you can see my-"
I'm pretty sure that's the context for this picture.
6 Pau Gasol
Pau Gasol looks like he's pretty young in this photo. He might be 26, in the prime of his career, and ready to take on the world, but in this very moment, he is completely and utterly bored. He looks bored of being famous, like a superstar ten years older than him who has reached the downswing of their career. By the time the young lady went back to her friends, Gasol probably aged five years. His eyes, which in this photo are already starting to narrow, probably were a small slit when he found a stool at the bar. In fact, this picture might have been the moment when Gasol realized that he's going to have to pose for pictures for the rest of his life. Not just the next ten years of his basketball career, but until he's in his seventies and eighties. At least he's wearing a pretty awesome tank top.
5 David Lee
Part of me wants to give David Lee the benefit of the doubt that the flash on the camera caught him unaware and he closed his eyes as a reaction. But that part of me would be wrong. I'm thinking that it was getting to be really late at night and Lee was hitting his alcoholic wall. That is a perfect blink. Not one bit of his eyeball his showing, as his eyelids cover them perfectly. And then there's the smile. For most likely being up at 2:30 in the morning, that's a pretty solid grin. No closed lips or tongue sneaking out, just a normal smile. I think he got completely dog tired and figured that standing straight up in the middle of a party is the best place to get some sleep. It's not that bad of an
idea. Nobody's going to run into him or knock him over. More people might want to take pictures, though.
4 Scot Pollard
I'm really not surprised about this one. When he was playing, Pollard was known for all sort of extravagant hairstyles and getups. It doesn't shake me that Pollard is dressed like a tourist going to Africa in order to partake in a big game safari. In fact, he almost looks like Ace Ventura with a five o'clock shadow. But only if Ace Ventura got his wardrobe from a thrift store. Nobody else in this picture has any semblance of Hawaiian clothing on, so I'm guessing this isn't a Halloween party or other themed party. I guess Pollard does what Pollard wants. Good heavens, I can almost see The Hound from Game of Thrones in his face. I think Rory McCann has worn that hat before in an interview. From years of experience, I can tell Pollard is drunk from his smile. He's got the "I'll just open my mouth and try and look as happy as possible" smile. This results in all sorts of goofy faces. Pollard's is no exception.
3 Kirk Hinrich
Oh boy, this is a real doozy. First, it looks like it was taken about ten years ago because Hinrich has no facial hair. Basically, this picture is rocking two out of the three most obvious signs of drunkenness. First, the eyes. Hinrich's right eye is slightly open, we
can see the pupil. But his left eye looks to be closed, like a boxer in the middle of a fight. However, I don't see any swelling on his face. Second, his mouth. I've seen Kirk Hinrich smile before and it doesn't look like this. His lips haven't moved to the sides. He looks like somebody tried to get his attention for the picture and Hinrich turned his head to acknowledge. Simply put, he looks tired. Maybe he could make his way over to David Lee's celebration and the two could stand in the middle of a room and fall asleep.
2 Michael Jordan
Man, do I miss when it was fashionable to wear clothes that were three sizes too big. Maybe it's just that it's Michael Jordan and he can wear whatever he wants and it'll look good. In this picture, Jordan is getting his dance on with a couple of ladies as well as smoking a huge cigar. He's an excellent multi-tasker. How he's able to concentrate on
the ladies and his cigar is beyond me. I would have either burned myself or fallen over. It makes me wonder if Jordan is a good dancer. If he is, he could always get a part in a movie if ever gets tired of dealing with the Charlotte Hornets. I think my favorite part of this picture is Jordan's left hand raised in the air. I don't know if he's holding it up for balance, or it's just part of his grooving, but it's just fantastic. Maybe that is how he's able to multi-task so efficiently.
1 Dirk Nowitzki
Luckily I'm feeling generous to all of these other NBA players, because I think that Dirk Nowitzki could fill the top five all on his own. There is just so much quality to his facial features that every picture of him drunk makes me laugh. It's so hard to choose a favorite. It's like when you were six and your parents let you get dessert at a restaurant.
Everything looks so good and you're so happy with whatever you choose. This picture has everything. Nowitzki's eyes are barely open. His tongue is pressing through his lips, and it looks like he was about halfway through trying to stick it out. His lips are starting to open in a smile, so you know he's already cracking up in his head. The cherry on
top is his middle finger that is ever so slightly extended. I think he was trying to time sticking out his tongue with flipping off the camera, but the picture was taken a split second too early. Thank you, loyal picture taker, for you have given us the funniest photo of a drunk NBA star.