“Don't quit your day job." We have all heard that expression. And that's all it is; an expression. To the every day, blue-collar folks, their day job is all they have. Sure, many people sitting bored in a cubicle or sweating in a warehouse somewhere have daydreams but no means to chase or acquire them. For professional athletes who make millions upon million of dollars, such a thing is second nature. “I wanna be a rapper, today. Let me write a check to somebody who can make this happen.”
Quite frankly, it comes off as a desperate plea for attention. More attention than said athlete has already obtained through his/her talents at their respective sport. How come that isn't enough? Why do so many of our renowned athletes think they have what it takes to succeed in a musical career? Is it vanity? Has the grotesque egotism of today's sports stars grown to such epic heights that they need constant reassurance that we are paying attention?
The music world already has enough ego sauntering around. Kayne West is already here. So please Kobe, remain on the basketball court. And let's be honest, most mainstream music is bad anyway. We don't need all these athletes adding more hot garbage to the fire. Since when do the jocks want to hand around with the glee club anyhow?
Look, you want to sing? Go ahead. Sing in you car or your shower. Sing around the campfire on warm summer nights. Just please stop recording it and unleashing it upon the unsuspecting public. Some of you may have won championships in your time but none of you will be taking any songwriting titles away from Bob Dylan anytime soon.
And now, let's take a look at the top ten musical mishaps by professional athletes.
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10 "Oxygen" by Caroline Wozniacki
Oh, what a beautiful girl … but oh, what a terrible song. Yeah, I know, it was for charity but that is not enough to cleanse my mind of having heard this rotten excuse for a pop song. Caroline's voice is more digitally enhanced than Britney Spears. Think of the hours wasted not only producing the song but shooting the music video (yes, there is a music video). Perhaps those hours could have been used to harness her game and who knows, maybe instead of being a “pop-star” she could have been a Grand Slam Champion by now. And, hey, doing things for charity is always a noble quality. But, the next time Caroline is feeling charitable, she should probably look into a bake sale or a can food drive.
9 John Cena's Rap Career
Any wrestling fan knows the theme songs. “The Time is Now” and “Basic Thugonomics.” John Cena has been rapping his own entrance music since early on in his WWE career. That's fine. Shawn Michales performed his own theme song as well. It adds a certain flare to the character. However, HBK wasn't dropping albums like John Cena did back in 2005. Cena's debut album, You Can't See Me, may have peaked at #15 on the Billboard 200 (thanks to the Cenation), but it can't be considered a reputable rap album. At the end of the day, John Cena is a wrestler (somewhat) and no credible music critic or consumer will see him as anything more than that. Keep rapping your entrance music. In the world of wrestling, corny is not necessarily a bad thing. But in the rap game, corny does not compute.
8 "Private Paradise" an Album by Jacques Villeneuve
I'm not sure which genre of music Jacques Villeneuve's, Private Paradise would be classified under. As a matter of fact, I think it may need its own personal classification: Forlorn-Franco-Folk-Rock? Well, whatever it is, it sure is bad. In 2007, Villeneuve made the haphazard decision that he was going to be a musician. His album subsequently tanked. Producing lackluster sales even within his home province of Quebec. “Je Me Souviens” is the official motto of the province. Which translates to, “I Remember.” But even the people of La Belle Province would like to forget the music of one of their beloved heroes.
7 Carl Lewis and the National Anthem
Have you ever stepped on a cat's tail and heard the screeching sound that it makes? … That sound reminds me of Carl Lewis attempting to hit the high notes of “The Star-Spangled Banner” during the 1993 NBA finals. With great velocity, the former track-and-field star belted out his nation's anthem with a look of disillusionment as the fans, players, and announcers fought back their laughter. Looking back on the video today, it is uncomfortable to watch. You almost feel bad for old Carl as his heart was truly visible in the performance. The only thing missing was any sense of vocal range
6 "Prime Time" an Album by Deion Sanders
I remember being a young boy when Deion Sanders came to my favorite football team, the Dallas Cowboys. I used to think that Deion was the coolest football player around, so it pains me to include him in this list, but I mustn't be biased. Because, as great of an athlete Deion was, as a singer he outright sucked. His own album, coincidentally titled, Prime Time, is a prime example of man's false sense of grandeur. Not to mention, the music video which came out of this musical masterpiece, “Must be the Money,” is tacky and tedious. Sorry #21 but the truth is the truth.
5 "K.O.B.E." by Kobe Bryant feat. Tyra Banks
As if calling your song K.O.B.E. was not superficial enough, you have to go and get one of the most superficial women on the planet to sing the hook. There was supposed to be an album released by Kobe Bryant but the record label abandoned the idea – good call on that one. I guess they could not fully grasp the complex nature of Kobe's lyricism, “Uh, what I live for? Basketball, beats, and broads.” That's good stuff. Kobe and Tyra sounds less like a musical duo and more like a bad sitcom that was canceled after five episodes. At least when Shaq is on the mic, you get the feeling that he knows how deep his foolishness runs.
4 The Super Bowl Shuffle
The 1985 Chicago Bears took it upon themselves to release a song titled “The Super Bowl Shuffle.” Oddly enough, capturing the Lombardi Trophy three months later as the victors of Super Bowl XX. Some weird Nostradamus stuff coming from the Shufflin' Crew. And although the single sold over half a million copies, the question remains; what exactly is this shuffle thing? It's awkward, sloppy, and reeks of nineteen-eighties cheese. I mean, watch these guys dance. Listen to them sing. Come on, really, what is going on there?
3 "Sometimes When We Touch" by Manny Pacquiao
Now, I'm not much into boxing and haven't really seen a great deal of Manny Pacquiao in the ring. So, I guess I would have to address my first question to those who have… Has Manny Pacquiao taken a substantial amount of blows to the head? Because that is the only logical conclusion I can find when listening to him sing “Sometimes When We Touch.” My second question; how much money was Dan Hill (the original singer) paid to stand beside him in the recording studio and act like a semi-sensible boxer is singing his song better than him? I suppose if money can't buy you happiness, it can surely buy fabricated admiration.
2 Hockey Sock Rock
“Hockey Sock Rock,” is a song written by Alan Thicke. Certainly a far stretch from his son Robin's smash hit, “Blurred Lines.” Nevertheless, the song was written and produced as more of a gimmick for the New York Rangers who were trying to find relevance in the New York disco-scene of the seventies. With star player, Phil Esposito leading the way on vocals and being backed by the “Ranger Rockers,” this song was destined to be a … horrible hum for the human eardrum. Maybe Robin Thicke can release a modern day version sometime.
1 Football on your Phone
This DIRECTV commercial featuring Peyton and Eli Manning is beyond bizarre. The wardrobe, the hair, the dancing girls, the bland attempt at rapping. I guess we are supposed to find humor in all of this, but it just feel flat and not funny. I mean these guys may be the two whitest dudes in the world. Take a look at their electric personalities as they radiate that Manning charm throughout the course of the video.... But, I got the gist of the commercial … I can watch football on my phone, right?
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