Ever since George A. Romero brought us Night of the Living Dead in 1968, the zombie has been a pop culture staple. Whether they are the classic shambling hordes of the dear brought back to life by voodoo doctors or the modern hunters of flesh that have been infected with a virus, there are few interactions of the zombie that we have yet to come across in the media.
And despite to concept of the popular zombie being almost 50 years old, the undead are still making their presence known. Mega blockbuster movies like World War Z or the cult television show iZombie mean that the zombie has true staying power.
With almost every possibility already explored for a hypothetical zombie apocalypse, we decided to dig into which athletes would be screwed if the undead started conquering the world tomorrow.
The largest point of clarification is which type of zombies we are going to be speaking of. The Romero Zombie – the shambling horde of undead – or the ’28 Days Later’ Zombies – the hyper aggressive and sprinting infected. Both offer varying possibilities to examine, however for the purposes of this list we are going to stick with the traditional Romero Zombies.
With the type of zombie determined, we now must decide what areas to examine that would cause one to be done in by the undead. The criteria we chose to use for our list breakdown to fitness, injury issues, selflessness, self-defense and clutch ability. So based on those four factors we have determined which current professional athletes would be doomed in a zombie apocalypse.
15 Glen Davis
‘Big Baby.’ His nickname is ‘Big Baby.’ Do you need much explanation?
Just in case you do, Glen Davis certainly has never shed that baby fat as he clearly is far from the most athletically gifted basketball player in the world.
Aside from not being able to run the length of a basketball court, Davis is also a notorious whiner. Considering he got the nickname ‘Big Baby’ when he was nine years old and a coach kept telling him to stop crying.
Not the make of a survivor in the zombie apocalypse.
14 Greg Oden
I, for one, am glad that Greg Oden took his talents to China because it means we will hear less about his knee eventually imploding into itself within the first two weeks of the season. Oden has undergone five major knee surgeries and at this point is lucky to be walking.
When Oden walks you need to hold your breath, so under no circumstances could I imagine Oden fleeing from a wasp, let alone zombies. The former No.1 overall pick would be lunch on day two of the zombie apocalypse.
13 Miguel Angel Jimenez
Miguel Angel Jimenez is currently 51 years old and looking like he is 81. We all know that golf is far from the most athletic of sports, but Jimenez happily indulges in all the delicacies of life.
After winning a tournament in 2014, Jimenez said there was no secret to his longevity. “There is no secret. Good food, good wine, good cigars and some exercise.”
Though we have little issue with his lifestyle, we need to question whether or not there will be much in the realm of good cigars when the undead rise.
12 Theo Walcott
For people who are not fans of the Premier League, Theo Walcott is a forward for Arsenal and there may be no more injured player in world football today.
Since 2008, Walcott has missed a combined 120 contests, which has seen him on the shelf for 654 days. Those injuries multiple strained muscles, back injuries and a ruptured ligament in his knee.
Though Walcott is young and athletic, a combination of two bad knees and a bad back pretty much spell his doom.
11 Dan Uggla
Dan Uggla may very well be the worst hitter in baseball. He is so bad that the Braves are paying him more money than the Nationals are to play for Washington this season.
In the past three seasons, Uggla has been unable to even hold a .200 batting average. In those three seasons including the partial 2015 season, Uggla has 122 hits compared to 250 strikeouts.
You would naturally assume that a baseball player, who basically wields a weapon as part of their career, would be able to defend himself during a zombie apocalypse. Uggla on the other hand would only hit about two out of every 10 zombies he swung at.
10 Andre Smith
Let’s just get this out of the way; Andre Smith is a very large man. And not to sound crude, but if you have ever seen him run a 40-yard dash without a shirt on, you are well aware that he is far from peak physical condition.
Smith has spent much of his football career making a living out of bullying people based solely on his size, but come a zombie uprising, the large offensive lineman would need to be able to defend himself from multiple defenders at once which is simply not going to happen.
9 Dion Waiters
Could you imagine stealthily working your way up the side streets of a desolate city, trying to make it to the safety of your base camp, then having someone jump out and wave their arms feverishly begging for you to pass them the gun? Well that’s basically what trying to survive a zombie apocalypse with Dion Waiters would be.
The unreliable and overly confident Waiters has become well known for constantly calling for the ball on the court. And despite being wide open, Waiters teammates chose to ignore him and would rather take on double teams themselves. That’s because Waiters has about as much accuracy as a shotgun from 100 yards away.
Waiters would basically be like Navi from Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time constantly providing annoyances and spouting ‘Hey! Listen!’
8 Arjen Robben
If you have watched one game with Arjen Robben flanking the attack, especially for the Dutch national team, you know his M.O. Robben has more moves than Tony Manero, but the pass is an underutilized tactic from the Dutchman. The selfishness of Robben would certainly get him into more trouble in the zombie-infested world than the pitch.
Robben also has one hell of a record as a diver, with the 2014 World Cup showing some of his finest performances. You need to question his toughness and finishing ability when considering his many accomplishments thanks to his flop work.
7 John Daly
John Daly sports a body that only decades of beer and stogies can get you. Though Daly may be fun to watch on the golf course, thanks to his big personality, I cannot imagine him being able to lightly jog 50 feet due to the abuse he has inflicted on his lungs and liver.
To add to his physical inability, I would imagine that his wide array of neon pants would make him an easy target for zombies to spot.
We would still want him with us, because he is just like that guy that gets killed early in most zombie movies because he is arrogant and thinks he can take a massive horde.
6 Tony Romo
We all know just how much has been made of Tony Romo choking. No matter how many times you run off stats to support or debunk the theory, you need to acknowledge his frequent inability to get the Cowboys into Super Bowl contention.
Romo has also suffered multiple back and rib injuries, which could cause him to become zombie food really quick.
We do not really think that Romo would be a total wash as a survivalist, but we are pretty skeptical about being near him come December.
5 Phil Kessel
There may be no hockey player in the history of the sport that has had the media attack his work ethic quite like Phil Kessel. When you are in a world where you are in constant danger and are moments away from being thrown into a vicious cockfight with the undead, laziness is not your best attribute.
The one saving grace for Kessel is that he may turn into Tallahassee from Zombieland, but instead of a never-ending quest for Twinkies, the goal-scorer would be on the hunt for hot dogs.
4 Tom Brady
If there is one way to truly scare the Patriots coaching staff, you just need to say the phrase ‘Brady is running’ on a Sunday afternoon. Brady has always been a pocket passer and his dreadful 40-yard dash time will certainly back that up. And take into account that his 40 time was almost 20 years ago now and you would be scared to watch this guy run for five yards let alone run away from a horde of the undead.
Brady does have one very big plus on his side though, it does not appear that cheating to get to the top would be a problem for the former Super Bowl MVP.
3 Luis Suarez
First off we need to examine Luis Suarez’ primary attack, the bite. Suarez has already bitten opponents on three separate occasions, which is simply mind-boggling to wrap your head around. Assuming that he started trying to ram his teeth into the undead during a zombie apocalypse, we know he would not be long for the world of the living.
And let’s add to that the fact that Suarez has no shame in diving. In the 2014 World Cup, during his most famous biting incident, he flopped to the ground and acted like he was shot when he bit an opponent. There are no referees to appeal to during the end of days Luis, sorry.
2 Kobe Bryant
Out of everybody on this list, nobody would have as much confidence as Kobe. Time and time again we have heard Kobe bluntly talk about how good he is and then shows real belief in himself by needlessly hogging the ball on the court. Bryant’s utter lack of cooperation would likely doom him from the beginning.
On top of his selfishness, Kobe’s body is also rapidly deteriorating. His knees are seemingly as stable as Jell-O in house construction and he would not be able to just sit around and sulk during a zombie apocalypse.
1 Bartolo Colon
Bartolo Colon is more widely known for being a running joke on the Internet than his pitching abilities at this point. It is clear that the former Cy Young winner was never in peak physical condition but he came into this season weighing 285 lbs at the age of 42.
What may be the bigger knock against Colon is his pitiful swing. Watching him at the plate is nothing more than a highlight for Twitter to drive into the ground. His inability to swing a bat or run gives us the notion that the big man would probably be ineffective when it comes to defence.
Which professional athlete would you least like to be stuck with during a zombie apocalypse? Let us know in the comments below and make sure to follow Justin on twitter at @justinhartling.