This week, we learned of a shocking new discovery when it comes to the law. If you ever feel like murdering somebody, your best bet is train your butt off to become a professional wrestler. On the hopeful chance you get signed by the WWE, you’re literally free to try and murder anyone you want. You can even do it on live television, too! In fact, instead of being arrested like normal people, you’ll gain a shot at one of WWE’s most prized Championships. Don’t believe me? Watch this past Sunday’s Great Balls Of Fire.
Oh, Roman Reigns. What a guy. All jokes aside, this was a pretty entertaining week in the wacky world of World Wrestling Entertainment. So without further ado, here are five things WWE got right this week. And of course, five things they got wrong.
10. WRONG – Lana Needs To Back Off A Bit
Lana was just given three Championship matches and now she’s being given yet another opportunity simply because Shane McMahon probably gets erections over her. HARD to blame him though, right? Alas, she doesn’t deserve it but she’s being added to the multi-woman Number One Contender’s match come Battleground anyway.
We do have a burning question however. Why isn’t the fabulous Carmella being included in the match? If Lana’s in the match, shouldn’t Carmella be in it too? Just because she has the briefcase, does this means she’s now void of opportunities until she cashes in?
9. RIGHT – RAW Tag Team Division
After an averagely-fantastic-30-Minute Iron Man match at Great Balls Of Fire, RAW seems to finally be giving the rest of the tag team division something to do. The Hardy Boys might actually break sooner rather than later, what with their loss to Luke Gallows and Karl Anderson and the post-match attack by the greatest tag team of all time. It’s about time The Revival gets some television time. These two are the future.
8. WRONG (But Sorta RIGHT) – US Championship Tease
So WWE decided to shock the entire Universe last week by having AJ Styles defeat Kevin Owens for the United States Championship at a non-televised event at Madison Square Garden. Pretty awesome, right? Who doesn’t like a good old fashioned surprise?
This week, AJ Styles opened SmackDown and insisted he start his own United States Open Challenge. Also pretty awesome, right? And his first challenger was to be JOOOOOOOOOOOHN CENAAAAAA! The fans exploded in so many cheers.
Except! No. It wasn’t pretty awesome. Jerk 1 and jerk 2 (Owens and Rusev) interrupted what we wanted to see and we instead had to settle for a lame (but still pretty good) tag team match later that night. Disappointing? Yes. But for all the right reasons, really.
7. RIGHT – Alexa Bliss and Sasha Banks
Damn. I don’t mean to toot Sasha Banks and her horn, but damn. The legit boss can wrestle a great match with just about anybody, can’t she? Her and RAW Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss wrestled one of the best matches of the week at BALLS on Sunday. People could nitpick and complain about the count out finish, but it worked perfect for Bliss’ character and the post-match knees to the face was BALLS to the wall.
Also, how awesome is it that Alexa Bliss is double jointed?
RELATED: BLISS AND BANKS HAVE REAL LIFE HEAT
6. WRONG – Why Is Dean Ambrose STILL Feuding with The Miz?
Dean Ambrose needs to leave The Miz alone. We get that Dean Ambrose is all lunaticked off, but man oh man, can this end already? Their feud has gone on far too long and their matches are as stale as the potato chips under my couch. Now that Seth Rollins has inserted himself into the shenanigans, things can hopefully evolve.
5. RIGHT – Ambulance Match
Post-match aside, this was a strong match between two of WWE’s biggest Superstars (minus Big Show and Big Cass… and Nia Jax). Just like you would expect from these two big goons, Roman Reigns and Braun Strowman literally tore into each other for the entirety of the match and it was smart to give Strowman the win here.
4. WRONG – Lack Of Punishment For Trying to MURDER Somebody
So after the Ambulance match, Roman Reigns proved what we always thought of him: that he is nothing but an a**hole. Where’s the a****** chant when you really need it?
Even though Braun Strowman defeated him fair and square, Reigns decided to lock Strowman into the ambulance anyway before speeding it backwards into a mother f***** concrete wall! So what happened afterwards? Nothing. Reigns didn’t even get a slap on the wrist as the very next night on RAW, Reigns grinned his way to the ring and shrugged it off before Kurt Angle decided to reward the a**hole with a Number One Contender’s match.
3. RIGHT – Samoa Joe Vs. Brock Lesnar
You’d be a liar if you didn’t think Samoa Joe might actually best Brock Lesnar during their Universal Championship match at Balls Of Fire. The match may have come to an abrupt end once Lesnar nailed Joe with an F5, but that’s a-okay in our books. An F5 is named after a freakin’ tornado. It’s supposed to be a devastating finishing move.
2. WRONG – Time Filler: Curt Hawkins vs. Heath Slater
When Finn Balor doesn’t have a match on the pay-per-view, but Curt Hawkins does, it’s hard to understand WWE’s logic. In between the attempted murder and the rescue of the attempted murdee, Curt Hawkins and Heath Slater were thrown into a random match to grapple and headlock one another while the camera focused more on what was happening backstage with Strowman. It was complete filler, and didn’t do anything to benefit either man. They may have did it only to give the live audience something to watch.
1. RIGHT – More Lesnar and Joe… And Roman Reigns I Guess
After his win Sunday, Lesnar appeared on RAW the next night to gloat. Kurt Angle congratulated him, and BOOOOOOOOOOO, sicko psycho Roman Reigns came out to demand a shot at the title simply because he’s Roman Reigns. Luckily for us, Samoa Joe came out and showed Reigns how you really get the WWE Universe’s attention. By, you know, actually putting effort into his words instead of smiling and shrugging.
Next week, Joe and Reigns will face off in the main event of RAW to determine who will get the next shot at Lesnar’s Universal Championship at Summerslam.
Until next week!
…who the hell was Kurt talking with on the phone???
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