Ever since carbohydrates were cultivated, humans have enjoyed fermented beverages. From the ancient Greeks and their famous wine, to the pillaging Early Modern Pirates with their rum, and the more recent college co-ed beer double fister. People of all walks of life have gulped down alcohol. Inevitably, as the various spirits’ affects on the body are felt, inebriation sets in. For the beer pong athlete taking a break, to become inebriated means to get drunk. Wasted. Slammed. S*** faced. Many people forget, but professional athletes and celebrities are humans too. With the Kardashians and their ilk dominating the Red Carpets, it may be hard to remember said people are of species Homo Sapiens. However, as the title suggests, this article narrows its’ core concept from drunk celebrities, to drunk athletes, and ends up focusing on drunk NFL stars. Before reading further, a warning: if under 21, don’t try this at home, or anywhere. If over 21, seriously, ONLY do this at home, alone, with no one in reach, except maybe someone to sop up your dinner which has been spattered all over the nearest wall. So, without further ado, The Sportster and this author present the gut bustingly funny photographs of NFL pros who imbibed a bit too much intoxicants.
15. Ben Roethlisberger
Oh Ben. Big Ben. The quarterback who has become synonymous with the modern Pittsburgh Steelers, Super Bowl Wins, and reckless motorcycle antics. Thus, it comes as no surprise that our first entry on this fond trip down Internet memory lane is exit 15: Ben Roethlisberger. Any professional player inevitably becomes a celebrity when success comes his or her way. Mr. Roethlisberger of course is no different. Having been to college and been a star on his football team, Big Ben knew what to expect when the beer starting flowing and his head started getting fuzzy. But, unlike most, Ol’ Benny was in the spotlight as a star QB. So, instead of just a drunk Facebook post, his ugly mug was plastered all over the Interwebs. Of course, anyone with a sense of humor can see why.
14. Chris Johnson
For Chris Johnson, the ‘hood was not all good when a lucky bystander caught his cigar wielding drunken strut and preserved it forever in 0s and 1s. While the patriotism in his apparel may be commended, his decision to wear said shirt when he could easily regurgitate his dinner on Old Glory isn’t. Also, why is he near a car in his condition? Seriously, people need to think before they drink. Designated drivers were invented for a reason. Luckily, as far as this author can tell, Johnson’s only injury was self-inflicted. That was of course an injury to his pride. The former first round draft pick wasn’t in prime shape to rush for any TD’s when this pic was taken. Cardinals fans, just remember, you get hammered occasionally too. And some of you smoke cigars. But seriously Chris, Tony Montana didn’t drink and smoke at the same time. Also, think of the children!
13. Matt Leinart
An NFL bust could easily be driven to drink. Just ask Matt Leinart. He was supposed to be the next in the long line of franchise quarterbacks picked in the first round. The Heisman Trophy he won supposedly was foreshadowing his future greatness. The Arizona Cardinals were banking on his prowess when they selected him 10th overall in the 2006 NFL Draft. This picture shows what happens when potential is wasted and when college awesome becomes NFL epic fail. So, Matt Leinart will go down in history as a bad player. But the silver lining is that he is a hilarious drunk. I mean, how would you feel if you were that smiling girl in the picture? I shudder to even contemplate such a fate. The girl on the right is correct as she stares into the camera and dares it to say anything bad about her. She knows that Matt Leinart isn’t worth it. But the girl who was smiling, she probably was just having a good time. At least, we hope so. Matt, please tell us you went home stag. We’ll all feel better.
12. Matt Schaub
Weddings can be BORING. I mean, if you barely know the bride and/or groom, it can even be quite awkward. Also, the service beforehand. It can be REALLY LONG. Plus, smartphone usage is discouraged. So, it isn’t uncommon for almost everyone to get totally black out drunk at the reception/party. This is obviously the route Atlanta Falcons’ QB Matt Schaub took when this photo was taken. You can tell, he doesn’t know what’s going on. If you asked him who his go-to receiver was, he’d probably tell you Andre Johnson, NOT Julio Jones. The third round draft pick probably was on his fifth or sixth round of shots. You can see his eyes reflect the camera’s light like a dog’s does. Mr. Schaub, you shouldn’t want to look like a dog, or a deer in the cell phone flashes’ headlights. Let’s hope this wasn’t anyone’s wedding you care very much about, because the album pics of you aren’t to be flattering at all. But, they sure are funny!
11. Sean Weatherspoon
Playing bartender can be fun. Handing out free drinks, getting people to suck up to you, it’s a powerful feeling. It’s powerful, especially if you’re an NFL star and a mainstay in the Atlanta Falcons’ defense. So, when Franklin De’Sean “Sean” Weatherspoon got his big chance to be a bartender, he took it with gusto. One lucky recipient of free booze took to Twitter saying: “Sean Weatherspoon is f*****ed up…serving free crown to me so that’s cool #gtfu.” That hashtag indeed is on the money. Sean, grow the f*** up. Flipping the double bird to Twitter tweeters isn’t the best way to make the big bucks on the gridiron. It just makes you look stupid. Now, looking stupid isn’t uncommon. It’s just that, you, well, ARE uncommon. Sean, you were drafted above fellow famous drunk Rob Gronkowski. Being compared to the Gronk in any terms except football talent isn’t something to aspire to. Mr. Weatherspoon, you seem to party like the Gronkster. All you need is a cruise ship and more lady friends and you’d fit right in. However, you should be proud that your antics still make people laugh while looking at your shirtless body and your carefree middle fingers rising high above the rest in a proud f*** you salute to the world!
10. Dashon Goldson
Poor Mr. Goldson. After traveling twice to Hawaii and the Pro Bowl with the 49ers, and a career high 110 tackles with the Redskins last season, he was released in March, along with notables such as Robert Griffin III so the Washington Redskins could save cap space. If they saw this picture, it might have made it much easier. He looks really spaced out. Should he really be holding that expensive looking bottle of spirits? Methinks the answer be nay. I don’t know what the other guy in the photo is thinking, but smiling next to a man who could either puke, pass out, or both at any moment shouldn’t make anyone especially giddy. Jagged glass shards hurt, and liquor stains don’t come out easily from formal wear. Dashon Gordon, when you sign with another team, please don’t hold up big bottles of booze when you yourself are full of the stuff.
9. Plaxico Burress
Before Plaxico Burrress shot himself, he was famous for partying hard. Hell, even after he shot himself I bet he partied hard. The former Steeler and Giant enjoyed getting hammered and then showing off his beautiful smile. Maybe if you photoshopped on Beyonce’s face with Plaxico’s smile it MIGHT work, but I doubt it. Drunkenness does not make great role models, or fashion models, but it does make great humor in the way people look and the things they do when alcohol has control of their functions. Such is what happened when Mr. Burress decided to give a potential dentist a photo to put on his or her wall. That smile after all IS filled with shiny bright teeth. It’s just the face looks so out of it. For anyone who was surprised Plaxico shot himself, just look at this photo and there is no doubt he must have been at least a little tipsy when the trigger was accidentally pulled. Plaxico, your picture should also go on a DARE photo. “Hey kids, this is what happens when you get drunk. You look stupid, act stupid, and sometimes even shoot yourselves with your own gun. So remember, don’t drink and pack heat.” ‘Nuff said.
8. Jay Cutler
Oh, Mr. Cutler. What to say? You’ve never really lived up to your potential. With both the Broncos and the Bears, you came so close. Hey, at least you are still playing, unlike the person you were traded for, Kyle Orton. Mr. Orton is also on this list, but he looks even more funny. Plus, Orton was partying like the Gronk before Gronk was known as a massive party animal. Anyways Jay Cutler, you really look out of it in this pic. NFL quarterbacks are supposed to be good role models, but neurologically disabled children don’t want to see their role models remind them of themselves. Mr. Cutler, think of the children, and the fans, and the NFL. Do you really want to make the NFL look like it’s insensitive to the serious obstacles mentally and neurologically impaired individuals face? Hilarious your imitation of autism may be, but Jay, for shame. Autism is not a laughing matter. But, your photo certainly is.
7. Kyle Orton
Kyle Orton was partying like there was no tomorrow ever since he was drafted in the fourth round of the 2005 Draft by the Chicago Bears. He was never expected to start. Although he did well in Purdue, he was never dominant in the National Football League like his fellow draft classmate Aaron Rodgers. So, Kyle made up for his underwhelming performances and expectations by partying. Boy, was he a partyer. It was quite difficult to pick just one drunk pic of Kyle Orton. There are just SO MANY. But I picked this one simply because he finally seems to be happy. Maybe it was after he was traded for Jay Cutler. That’s got to be an ego boost, being traded for another drunk star. Well, unlike Jay, Kyle is no longer playing. Maybe the drinking got to him, or maybe getting pink eye in both eyes could contribute to that. That is, I assume his eyes are pink because they are infected, and not because he has been possessed by a demonic entity. If a demonic entity were to possess anyone, surely it wouldn’t be Kyle Orton. I mean, he doesn’t even wear facial hair well. He looks like he either is going to laugh up a riot or puke up a lung. Last time I checked, exorcisms aren’t performed on drunk people. But then again, what do I know?
6. Von Miller
Von Miller. Sounds like a German last name. Otto Von Bismarck. Paul Von Hindenburg. Count Von Dracula. Von Miller. See the similarities? Well, technically Von’s name is Vonnie B’Vean Miller, so it would be Vonnie Von Miller if he was a German noble. But, he clearly isn’t since he wasn’t born in Germany and as far as I know the peerage of Germany has been extinct since Wilhelm II abdicated after World War I. But, this isn’t a history lesson about Germany nobility titles, this is about Von Miller drunk! Just like Germans, Von loves his drinks! The picture shows him rocking his famous glasses, but his spectacles aren’t the only things glassy. Namely, his eyes are glassy. That is probably from all the ale he had imbibed. He looks like he wants to bite something, but can’t quite figure out how to move his jaw muscle, hence his mouth is only slightly open. Luckily for him, no drool had yet built up in his mouth, but it seems that only a matter of time would pass before a saliva filled liquid trail led from his mouth to his shirt, as if Von’s salivary glands wanted to excrete some arcane treasure map. Well, X marks the spot, and this photo is a treasure map of funny.
5. Jeff Reed
Oh Jeff Reed, you big baby! Why are you wearing a bib without a shirt? You’re not impressing anyone. You were a kicker, not a model. Besides, bibs are only OK on adults if said grown up is eating lobster. I’m pretty sure drunk people don’t have the coordination to eat lobster. Cracking open shells isn’t exactly easy when you’re sober. When you’re drunk, those lobster crackers could poke someone’s eye out. Not just an innocent bystander. Jeff, if you were eating lobster, you could have been forced to wear an eye-patch for the rest of your life. That would suck for you. But, if you behave like a baby, I guess it’s only fair that you look like one. Besides, both you and babies throw up a ton. So Jeff, don’t worry, no one is going to be pinching your cheeks anytime soon.
4. Johnny Manziel
You knew when looking at the title that good ol’ Johnny Manziel would be on this list. Like Kyle Orton, it was extremely hard to pick just one photo of Mr. Manziel drunk and doing hilarious things. However, his literal interpretation of Swan Lake seems to take the proverbial cake, I mean, isn’t that how people drown? Johnny, it’s no wonder the Cleveland Browns cut you. You have a drinking problem. It sucks for you. But it gives the rest of us some great laughs looking at your drunk hijinks. Like lying face down on a huge swan float in a pool with a bottle on your lips. Lucky for you someone is giving you a helping hand and tugging your float to shore, so you can potentially drown in your own puke, not water. Hey, Keith Moon died that way, so why not Johnny Manziel? Why? Well, because Johnny Manziel is no Keith Moon. Besides, dying is no laughing matter. However, looking at drunk photos of people in potentially deadly circumstances is most definitely a laughing matter. Johnny, your picture is very funny.
3. Rob Gronkowski
The Gronk. Gronkster. Gronktastic. These are just some of the nicknames I can come up with for New England Patriots’ star Rob Gronkowski. His partying is even more famous than Johnny Manziel OR Kyle Orton. Hell, he even has a PARTY CRUISE SHIP. Choosing a photo of the Gronk Meister was probably the most difficult of every other star on the list, but this one is probably the best. Gronk looks like he’s turning into the Hulk with his growl and his shirt half undone. The woman on the right seems to have noticed his potential Hulkness while this picture was being taken. Or maybe Rob wasn’t turning into a rampaging monster, but was simply reverting back to his primal nature and giving a big scream of dominance. Either way, he is absolutely gut busting in his photo. He photo bombed himself. Not in the traditional sense of the phrase, but in the fact that this photo is a megaton sized hilarity bomb. Rob, save your macho man instincts for the football field where they belong. Ladies don’t like macho men.
2. Eli Manning
As funny as Eli Manning’s drunk karaoke photos are, this beauty was far more comical than a football star trying to be a vocal star. Eli really looks like he is in another world in this pic. Maybe he’s finally found Nirvana? Drinking isn’t exactly what Buddha had in mind when he taught of finding a higher plane of existence through living a good life and doing good works. Hey, at least the girl who’s propping Mr. Manning up seems happy. I mean, a two time Super Bowl winning quarterback is a good score. Eli, I just hope you didn’t spill any of that half full bottle of booze all over your lady friend’s dress. Or your suit for that matter. However, I think you’d be happy no matter what, judging by your face. I wouldn’t be surprised if Eli’s next words were: “Totally narly, dude!” a la surfers or Bill and Ted. Rock on, dudes!
1. Desmond Bryant
No, not DEZ Bryant. DESMOND Bryant. Dez is a receiver for the Cowboys. Desmond is a defensive end for the Browns. Big difference, right? Especially when you look at Mr. Bryant’s mugshot as our final entry in this list. There are so many memes that have been generated from this picture. Words can’t capture the awesomness of this picture. It, just, is HILARIOUS. I mean, hysterically funny. It’s a laugh riot, a rofl-copter in full flight. I mean, the facial hair, the chest hair, the tongue, it just goes together SO WELL. He seems to think he’s being cheeky. Get it, cheeky? Instead, he looks like he came straight out of the monkey pen at the zoo. He needs a good shave, probably a cold shower, and some clothes. I assume he wasn’t naked when the photo was taken, but since it’s a mugshot and not a full body portrait, we may never know. Desmond, my hat’s off to you for the picture. You look more out of it, more stupid, more hilariously bad than any other drunk player photo on this list. I mean, what could possibly top your photo? The answer: nothing. Thus, this list ends on an extremely high note.
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