Being a human being is hard. It’s especially difficult if you’re in the public eye and have cameras pointed at you or excited fans willing to pay good money for a photo or autograph. What does a person do when those private, personal situations arise? For NFL players and coaches each situation requires a different solution.
We all have moments happen in our lives we’d like to forget. Moments that we hope others just completely ignore. But with cameras and microphones pointed in your face 24/7, it’s difficult to find a little personal time to take care of things. Some guys, of course, just don't give a damn or are too involved in the game to pay attention to the 70,000 or so fans and 50 cameras around them.
Plus, sometimes NFL athletes can just be gross. Every now and then, this disgusting habit can come from necessity. What do you do when you’re in the middle of a game and need to take a piss? Others may try some, we’ll call it “more holistic,” way to heal an injury. Sometimes a guy, usually on the sideline, will do something that will completely blow your mind.
The NFL is a brotherhood and if you’ve ever had a brother, you know they can be downright nasty. Whether it be hygiene issues, bathroom activities or just good old flatulence, men can be tough to live with. Here are 15 NFL Players and coaches, past and present, who have had terrible hygiene or odor problems.
15 JUSTIN HOUSTON CREATES A NEW WAY TO “HOT BOX”
The 2012 season was one to forget for the Kansas City Chiefs. They finished 2-14 and, at one point in the middle of the season lost eight games in a row. Obviously, some changes were in store and then head coach Romeo Crennell was sent packing in the off-season, replaced by Andy Reid.
One moment sums up that season perfectly. Late in the season Justin Houston was sharing the Chiefs’ bench with free safety Eric Berry. Houston decides he’s a little uncomfortable and decides to fix it, letting loose everything he has inside of him. It just so happens that Houston was sitting in front of the heating unit. Berry was not pleased.
“How you gonna fart on the heater, bro?” Berry asks his teammate, incredulously. That’s nasty. You cooking farts over there, man.”
“Cooking farts.” There’s really no better way to describe the 2012 Chiefs.
14 LESEAN MCCOY TAKES A QUICK SNACK BREAK
While I think we’ve all been trapped next to a grinning friend who just farted in our general direction, I don’t feel any type of kinship to then Philadelphia Eagles running back LeSean McCoy. I mean, we’ve all had a few, annoying, crusties up our nose in our time on this earth, but I never considered that they would be delicious.
But McCoy now knows the answer to that quandary. With the camera trained on him on the sideline, McCoy first goes in with the thumb and, unsuccessful, follows up with his index finger, plucking from its home his treasure. Instead of the flick I think we all would expect (and do, if no one was looking), McCoy makes another call. His en-boogered finger goes into his mouth as the game director, realizing in horror what just happened, cuts back to the Eagles’ huddle.
13 PHIL SIMMS WARMS UP THE BOOTH
If you wondered why CBS’ No. 1 NFL broadcaster, Jim Nantz, didn’t come to his former partner Phil Simms’ defense when he was replaced by the newly-retired Tony Romo, I might have solved the mystery.
As someone who spends many a fall and winter evening on football sidelines and press boxes, I can attest they can get pretty uncomfortable. But poor Nantz, during a game late in the season in Pittsburgh during last season’s playoff game between the Steelers and Miami Dolphins was nearly ran from the booth thanks to Phil Simms sneaking out a nice juicy beefeater on camera.
Nantz tries to be a pro, but you can tell the first moment the veteran play-by-play man catches wind of what Simms has released upon him as he takes a heavy pause between “six yard” and “field goal try.”
Simms then goes on to talk about how it’s “warmed up, the atmosphere of the game,” barely controlling his own laughter as Nantz literally runs away. “Are you warmer now?” Simms asks him.
“I’m fine,” Nantz says back. “I’m worried about you.”
All I can say is, considering the pre-game meals available in a lot of press boxes, Simms was probably fine. Maybe Nantz can talk Romo into avoiding the omelet station.
12 JIM HARBAUGH GETS THE MUNCHIES
Jim Harbaugh was a successful NFL head coach who completely turned around the San Francisco 49ers. Under Harbaugh, the 49ers made it to three consecutive NFC Championship Games, a Super Bowl and never once finished the season with a losing record.
Which explains why the 49ers canned him after the 2014 season, which has led to nothing but success for the formerly losing franchise, right? Right?
Harbaugh took his talents to Ann Arbor, Michigan to become the head coach of his alma mater, the Wolverines. It was on the sidelines of those Wolverines, in what would be a 51-14 victory over Central Florida, for the former Indianapolis Colts quarterback found himself a little peckish. With no available pudding cup or fudge pop close by, Harbaugh did what any toddler would do in the same situation. He hauled a booger out of his nose and ate it.
Yes, this is the second booger-eating entry on this list. I don’t know what you were expecting.
It became a real scandal, one Harbaugh had to address at a legitimate press conference, saying, “I have never eaten a booger in my entire life. It might have looked like that was happening. But if you rub your nose and then you bite your fingernail, that’s not eating a booger. There was no booger eaten … For clarity here, for the record, I have never eaten a booger in my entire life.”
Harbaugh’s brother John, head coach of the Baltimore Ravens, was even asked about Booger-gate. He told a reporter for the Akron Beacon Journal, “My brother has never eaten a booger.”
So there you have it. You can believe Harbaugh or your lying eyes.
11 MIKE DITKA PUNCTUATES HIS PICK
To be fair to former Chicago Bears head coach Mike Ditka, I think we’ve all wanted to fart on former Minnesota Vikings wide receiver Cris Carter at one point. So it was only natural for a man of Ditka’s age to raise his leg and let fly in Carter’s face after the Hall of Famer picked against the Philadelphia Eagles in a 2015 Monday Night Football game with the New York Giants out of spite.
Ditka had earlier picked the Eagles and did so without soiling his pants. The only question about this clip is how much of a dose Carter received. He tries to continue laughing, but beads of sweat quickly form on his cheeks as he takes halting breaths. For his part, Ditka just stares directly into the camera and smiles the smile of an old man who just filled his Depends with the good stuff.
Ditka later denied he’d blasted Carter with his lunch order, telling the Chicago Sun Times, “It wasn’t me. Believe me, I’m to the point in my life where it doesn’t matter. One day I’ll be happy if I can leave a fart. Right now, it wasn’t me. I don’t care what they think. They can think anything they want.”
They could have asked Cris Carter, but he was still in the ICU at the time.
10 ANDREW LUCK, SERIOUS ENVIRONMENTALIST
Did you know the average American uses 17.2 gallons of water every time he or she takes a shower? With the average shower lasting 8.2 minutes, that comes down to 2.1 gallons every minute just literally swirling down the drain.
While you were standing around under your rain shower trying to destroy our civilization, Indianapolis Colts quarterback Andrew Luck was busy doing everything he can to save the Earth. If that means smelling like refried dog crap, by God he’ll do it.
During his first season with ESPN, former Colts back up quarterback Matt Hasselbeck shared Luck’s unsung heroics during an interview with Mike and Mike in the Morning.
“He (Luck) is kind of like a college kid, still,” Hasselbeck said. “He takes pride in not showering, kind of a thing… He’s grungy.”
Luck, ever humble, denied his world saving lack of water waste, by later claiming to shower twice a day because he certainly looks like that’s true.
9 ROOKIE SMELLS WHAT MEL BLOUNT IS COOKING
Former Pittsburgh Steelers cornerback Mel Blount is one of the best to ever play the game. He was a four-time Super Bowl champion and four-time first team All-Pro selection. He was so dominant in pass coverage that he single-handedly forced the NFL to change the rules on how defensive backs could play, forcing them to no longer harass receivers down the field. It was colloquially known as the “Mel Blount Rule.” He also had some pretty rancid breath.
Such is the story related by then rookie wide receiver Mike Shumann. Drafted by the San Francisco 49ers, Shumann was making his first start and pretty excited about the whole thing. That was until he took his spot, looked across the line of scrimmage and saw the 6-foot-5, 205-pound Blount standing in front of him. As scary as that was, what Shumann noticed next would literally haunt him for years.
Down in his three-point stance, Blount hovered over him, blowing nothing but onions, bean dip and hellfire onto the back of his neck.
“So I was a nervous wreck,” Shumann recounts. “And Mel came right up in my face and he had this bad breath. He said to me in his deep bass voice, ‘Where you going, son?’”
Where Shumann went was eventually out of the league. At the time he was interviewed, Shumann was a sports reporter for an ABC station in San Francisco.
8 CHANNING CROWDER LEFT IT ALL ON THE FIELD
Channing Crowder enjoyed a solid NFL career as a linebacker. He played six seasons for the Miami Dolphins, recording 469 tackles, 2.5 sacks, three forced fumbles, three fumble recoveries, 18 passes defended and one interception in 82 NFL games. He also pissed himself in every single one of them.
“I never went to the bathroom in the toilet,” Crowder told NFL Films. “Every game I peed myself. Six years straight I peed down my leg. I would be in the huddle and just.. pee. Nobody in the stands would know unless you look down, like, ‘that’s not water, man.’ My teammates didn’t enjoy it as much as I did.”
Enjoy what? Pissing themselves? Watching Crowder drain the snake in the middle of Chade Henne calling, “West right slot 72 Z bingo U split can it with 58 Lexus apple 314 hammer dummy snap count on one?”
He wasn’t clear.
(And, yeah. That’s a real NFL playcall.)
7 JIM TOMSULA SUMS UP HIS HEAD COACHING CAREER
For one single, bright, shining season, the San Francisco 49ers had at the controls a man who wasn’t qualified to mop the bathroom at a Denny’s. After letting go Jim Harbaugh the 49ers went the exact opposite route with his successor, replacing one of the most competent head coaches in the league with defensive line coach Jim Tomsula. It was a disaster.
Tomsula lasted just a single year in the NFL as a head coach and returned back to what he did best, coaching the Washington Redskins’ defensive line. But before he left us, he dropped the mic emphatically on the 2015 49ers’ season and the job he was doing leading the team during a press conference leading up to their Oct. 4 game against the Green Bay Packers (a game they lost 17-3, by the way).
Tomsula was asked a question about the then disintegration of his own quarterback, Colin Kaepernick. You might have heard of him. As the question is asked, Tomsula answers it in the most honest fashion he can muster, with a fiery air horn blast from his sphincter.
I couldn’t agree more.
6 MARK SANCHEZ BONDS WITH TEAMMATES
Mark Sanchez, if you can believe it, actually opened his NFL career pretty strong. He took the New York Jets to two consecutive AFC Championship games in 2009 and 2010 and it wasn’t until 2012 that he recorded his first losing season as a quarterback, going 6-9.
But the fall from grace was a hard one for Sanchez, who saw his career in New York summed up with the fabled “Butt Fumble,” but it was hinted at a few years before.
Standing on the sidelines during his second AFC Championship game with a trip to the Super Bowl on the line and playing the Pittsburgh Steelers, Sanchez did what any student of the game and solid teammate would do, he wiped a booger on his back up quarterback, Mark Brunell.
At the time, the Steelers were in the red zone and the game was 0-0, so any other quarterback would probably be paying attention, rooting on his defense, or discussing the following drive with his offensive coordinator or quarterback coach. Not Sanchez. Instead, he was placing a wad of his snot on his teammate’s nipple.
The Jets lost 24-19.
5 MARK SCHLERETH EARNS A FUN NICKNAME
Channing Crowder wasn’t the only NFL player to hose down his bikini area on gameday. Former Denver Broncos offensive lineman Mark Schlereth pissed himself so much during games his teammates called him “Stink.”
“I always looked at it like, I’m miserable anyhow,” Schlereth told NFL Films. “My knees hurt, my elbows hurt, my back aches, my neck hurts. I’m not going to sit here and hold this too and be miserable. So, if I had to go I’d just go. I’d just pee my pants and I had no qualms about it. I’d be standing in the huddle peeing. During a TV time out break. It just didn’t bother me. I was just like, whatever. Looking up in the stands and I’m going, ‘these people are cheering and they have no idea I’m peeing my pants right now.’”
It evidently worked out alright for Schlereth, who got a couple of Super Bowl rings during his on-the-field bathroom breaks. Not only that, he’s had a solid career since his retirement as a co-host of ESPN’s NFL Live and a stint on the soap opera Guiding Light as, I kid you not, Detective Roc Hoover.
4 JOHN MOFFITT POWERS UP BEFORE 40-YARD DASH
If you thought for even a second you’d seen the last booger eaten on this list, think again. This time we put our focus on young John Moffitt during the 2011 NFL Combine. Moffitt was an offensive guard out of the University of Wisconsin and decided to get a little extra mojo for his 40-yard dash performance by removing a booger from his nostril and tossing it right down the hatch.
Not only does Moffitt go for the booger brunch once, be he goes back for seconds just in time for the director, once again, to cut to another camera angle and surely rethink all his or her career choices that led to that moment.
Moffitt was drafted in the third round of the 2011 NFL Draft by the Seattle Seahawks and played in the league for three seasons, making 19 starts before getting cut by the Philadelphia Eagles in 2015, freeing up Moffitt to follow his true passion, feasting on his nose nuggets.
3 KYLE COOK GIVES CARSON PALMER A SPECIAL GIFT
The center to quarterback exchange can be somewhat intimate. The quarterback, in the standard mode, must press his hands right under his center’s backside and jingly bits and request the ball. It’s so common no one even thinks about it. No one, that is, until there’s an issue.
Such an issue was captured by the NFL Films’ Hard Knocks cameras during their 2009 series on the Cincinnati Bengals. Then Bengals quarterback Carson Palmer made the mistake of smelling the back of his hand after taking a snap from center Kyle Cook. He immediately regretted it.
“Hey dude, I smelled the top of my hand two days ago and I thought I’d stuck in a toilet,” Palmer said to Cook.
Cook, the possessor of the toilet tush, was incredulous, “You’re lying?”
“I’m dead serious,” Palmer deadpanned back. “Just make sure you take care of yourself.”
Palmer then spends the next few snaps taking a good, solid smell of his hand every time he pulls it from Cook’s posterior to make sure. While it was no longer a toilet, Palmer did say it was “a little bit musty.” They eventually blamed the issue on some bad beef stew, as you would.
Palmer would demand a trade after the very next season. He didn’t mention Cook’s ass as one of his problems with the Bengals, but it was probably implied. Cook played for Cincinnati for another three years.
2 CHAD JOHNSON DEVELOPED INNOVATIVE HEALING TECHNIQUES
Chad Johnson was a good NFL wide receiver who managed to turn what was a solid career into more of an annoyance with silly antics, even changing his last name to “Ochocinco” at one point.
Johnson played in the NFL for 12 seasons, 11 of them with the Cincinnati Bengals and one thing every wide receiver must do is stay healthy and on the field. Johnson discovered a special way to clear up a sprained ankle. I’m sure when you’ve dealt with a sore foot, your doctor has recommended the same thing.
Johnson would collect urine from his teammates, he didn’t say which ones, warm it up in the microwave (presumably. I mean, he could have used a saucepan or a fondue pot. He wasn’t specific) and rest his sore foot inside its yellowed depths for 30 minutes.
Johnson doesn’t keep his magical piss remedy to himself and regularly tweets it to injured football receivers who are dealing with their own sore ankles. I’m pretty sure no one has taken him up on it.
1 VON MILLER IS A REAL GIVER
Denver Broncos’ outside linebacker Von Miler is famous for two things; sacking quarterbacks and farting continually pretty much non-stop. Miller has been famously fined by his teammates multiple times for clearing out a room during meetings and, according to Forbes, last season with a game to go Miller had already coughed up $15,000 for his effervescent effluviums.
Miller has been fined non-stop for his butt tuba performances since 2015. The linebacker, in an effort to save money, will sometimes dash out of the meeting rooms to fog down the hallway outside. Or, he used to before signing his five-year, $114 million contract last off-season. Now, apparently he just lets go and makes it rain atop the cloud of bacon dust he’s just unleashed.
The Broncos aren’t the only teammates that grew so tired of Miller’s anal excretions they demanded financial recompence. When he was a contestant on Dancing with the Stars, his partner Witney Carson McAllster got so tired of getting her hair parted with air biscuits she began fining him $100 a honk.