In his 28 years of life, Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant has made loads of friends. Sure, some may be mooches trying to ride his ascent up the social ladder, but most are good-willed, wholehearted friends that want to see Bryant succeed. They support him in all his endeavors, from the the football field and through everyday life. It really pays to have great friends, and I’m sure Dez is eternally grateful for them.
Unfortunately, this list isn’t about the angels in Dez’s life. That would be boring. Instead, we’ll cover the 15 “people” who dislike Dez the most on this earth. Since Dez is such a unique character and he affects things in his life outside of the humans that grace it, the term “people” will be used loosely because Dez’s destruction knows no bounds. So yes, there will be plenty of people on this list, but expect a few animals and inanimate objects to pop up from time to time as well. What can I say, the man’s influence outweighs the man himself!
With that being said, it’s time to sit back and soak in all the badness that is Dez. His list of scorned foes is sure to entertain.
15. Other Receivers
Let’s start off with an obvious one: of course other receivers (on his team or not) despise Dez. Is it that much of a shock? Don’t you think they wish they could implore the antics he does on a regular basis while still being regarded as some cuddly psycho?
Obviously the answer to that question is yes. Other receivers that fill out spots 2-5 on a roster wish they could act out without regard for their job security. But truth of the matter is they’re a bunch of untalented jerks that don’t have the leverage to behave in such a manner. So pipe down pencil neck and run the right route!
14. Jason Witten
It’s not hard to see the friction with between these two. Witten is the classic strong, silent type while Dez’s mouth and actions speak loudly for him. Naturally, they butt heads from time to time because of their opposite approaches to life.
Does that mean it’s fair to say Witten flat-out dislikes Dez? Probably not, and most likely not at all when he watches him catch a five-yard slant and take it 65 more yards to the house. Not everyone can do that, so Witten appreciates what’s there.
That being said, the seasonal tirades and outlashes along the sideline that take away from what’s going on in the game is big no-no for Witten, and those happen too often for him to just forgive and forget.
13. Madden Creators (EA Sports)
Like all egotistical star NFL players, if they feel they get dissed in regards to their Madden ratings, players will surely sound off on them. Surprise surprise, Dez is no different.
Prior to the 2016 season Dez did just that as he called out Madden developers at EA Sports for giving him a paltry rating of 90. Bryant was none too pleased with the rating and announced his disdain publicly, though he was wise to withdraw his ire from hurting the legendary John Madden himself.
EA fired back with a video of Dez being unable to kick a field goal to explain his low rating. All in all it was a cheeky exchange between the two, but EA needs to know one thing: Dez don’t forget a diss.
12. Social Media
Dez isn’t exactly unique in the regard that he hates social media. Everyone hates it because it’s become an essential evil in our life that exposes us to tons of information, while also exposing us to the world. And the bigger the star, the more dirt is gonna start popping up about you.
That’s why one six second Vine clip of Bryant dropping not one, but TWO balls from the jugs machine became an internet jewel. No one really knows how close he is to the machine or how fast the balls are going, but the point still stands that a trained professional dropped two in a row. For shame.
11. Sideline Assistants
These guys are the unsung heroes of Bryant’s career.
When Dez is throwing a temper tantrum along the sidelines and other players are too busy putting their noses in playbooks, who’s calming Dez down? Who’s picking up his trash when he misses the bin and who’s begrudgingly giving him a jacket in cold weather games? Those miscellaneous guys on the sideline no one knows, that’s who.
Obviously this isn’t their dream job. No one wants to cater to an overgrown manchild. But it’s a good way for them to get camera time and show off their “relatability” with players. Or something. I don’t know really, but I know these guys, whoever they are, are no fans of Dez.
10. Jay Z
Now we’re starting to get personal! The one and only HOV runs Roc Nation Sports, the same sports agency that represents NBA star Kevin Durant and also, the acclaimed Dez Bryant. Only problem is, what good does having Dez around do?
Yes, he’s an attention-grabbing star receiver that can find ways to get in front of a camera. That’s plus for Jay Z’s budding agency that is starting to strike it rich off young and impressionable talent. Still, outside of Durant, it’s not an agency that represents a bunch of winners, but instead gasbags whose talk travels farther than their walk.
That’s what you get when you bank on guys like Dez. He performs from time to time, but most consistently he’s a motor mouth that runs out of fuel too often. HOV better leave him off future remixes of Roc Nation Sports.
9. Jason Garrett
This one’s hard to detect because Garrett is so often either ominously red in the face or just has that creepy smile plastered on the sideline you can’t tell where his heads at. But when it comes to Dez, it’s a political love masking a personal hate.
How could it be otherwise? Especially after a season where a rookie running back cut through defenses and a rookie quarterback favored throwing to guys like Cole Beasley and Bryce Butler over Dez, it’s not hard to fathom Garret doesn’t think the grass is greener on the other side. A future without a relying on a headcase? Sign Garrett up.
You knew it was coming, you just didn’t know where, am I right? Officials and Dez are like a peanut butter and regular butter sandwich. Separately, without interacting with one another, they’re great. But combined together they’re just a fatty mess that makes you feel horrible after you eat it.
That analogy isn’t a perfect example of how poorly they co-exist on the football field, but you get the point. Whether it’s those passive aggressive, diplomatic phrases officials mutter to Dez whenever he has a complaint or the arm-flailing, crazy-eyed looks Dez gives them in response, it’s easy to spot that both sides are at odds constantly.
7. His Mom
Real personal here. Dez did once assault his mother, according to a police report. In it he grabbed her shirt and tore it, and when she suggested that his rage could get him in trouble with the Cowboys, he grew demonstrably more enraged and began to gesture threateningly to his mother.
Listen, if I gave birth to an unstable maniac who has the physical capacity to act in any way he pleases, I’d be scared of confronting him. Mama Bryant deserves a lot of credit for being strong with Dez, knowing that anything too unforgivable could’ve affected her health or livelihood severely. But she stood her ground and came out alive, though she did eventually drop the charges.
Moms love their kids more than anyone else. That’s still true here, but it’s with a big fat asterisk since Dez did try to attack and harm his mother. The love is there, though don’t be surprised if it’s joined by a healthy resentment for who Dez became as well.
6. Actual Footballs
Why does that brown piece of cowhide loathe the sight of Dez unlike most things? It’s not because he snatches it out of the air and forces it into the smelly armpit of his shoulder pads (though that definitely doesn’t help). It’s because it helped catapult Dez through life and now tied to his success in some way shape or form forever.
Though football’s exacted a joint revenge on Dez in the 2014 Divisional round playoff game against Green Bay. We all know the scenario–4th and something, Tony Romo bombs a ball down the sideline that Bryant snags, bobbles and ultimately loses possession of while going for the goal line.
How did he drop it? Because footballs didn’t want him catching it. After a lifetime of shielding Dez from his flaws by helping him tap into his one true gift, footballs united and took away the greatest joy from Dez’s life by making him lose that catch. Sweet revenge for “the Duke.”
5. Pet Monkey
For a while during the lost 2015 season, Bryant owned a pet monkey. Where it came from or what breed it was doesn’t matter. All that matters is owner Jerry Jones signed off on the exotci animal by stating “I am a monkey fan,” so no one needed to press anything further on the topic.
So why does this guy hate Dez? Because Dez Bryant was responsible for his wellbeing, duh. Why would anyone want to have their fate tied to that psycho? Especially a monkey that can’t communicate with Dez in any human fashion? It makes perfect sense why that monkey didn’t want to be apart of Dez’s life.
When word got out of Dez giving up on taking care of the creature, it was a victory everywhere for exotic animals. No longer would their high price tag put them at the risk of being owned by crazy people! Still, the monkey won’t forget that tumultuous year in the Bryant household.
4. Stephen Jones
No, not Jerry, but Stephen. His well-rounded, level-headed son who’s righted the sinking ship that was the Cowboys franchise throughout the 21st century. He hates Dez, make no bones about it.
Why despise a star receiver he helped draft? Well, that surely faded over the course of his Cowboys campaign. A lot like Garrett before him, the younger Jones sees Dez as replaceable when no name Bryce Butler and measly Cole Beasley are out there torching defenses while he’s commanding single coverage he can’t always beat.
Steven Jones wants stability. That’s why he helped draft all those offensive lineman that keep Dak Prescott upright during the season. He doesn’t want some waffling receiver to ruin the good thing he has going in Big D.
3. Water Boys
These guys pale in comparison to the sideline assistants that have to restrain Dez. At least those guys can exert some force on Dez to keep him from causing further destruction. These dudes have to replenish the craziness through H2O and make sure he’s playing with tip-top psychoticness.
Also, it’s easily the most degrading job in sports. All those guys do is hold water bottles in their hand and suggestively shoot it into players mouths whenever they just drop their jaws. Not screaming masculine or macho with a job like that.
2. Greg Hardy
Now this one might seem out of left field to most of you. Hardy and Bryant were teammates for just a year in Dallas, and it was a putrid one at that where the Cowboys went 4-12. Still, the two were the craziest cats in the locker room, leading to some steamy psycho bromance where they bonded over their interests in wild-eyed stares and mean mugging random targets across the field.
So much bromance that it became too much too fast for Hardy so he backed out. See, Greg’s one of those straight-up psychos that vents his aggression in ways that land you in court. Bryant is one of those Criss Angel mindfreak psychos where he just exists in a different way. That’s intimidating for a guy like Hardy, who’s one-track psychotic mind can’t wrap itself around the complexity of a Dez.
Oh well. In reality none of that is true and Dallas just determined that they had two psychos too many on the squad. But hey, you never know what happened behind the scenes.
I’m gonna go all Freudian here and say Dez really doesn’t like himself all that much. His crazy, self-destructive tendencies show a deeper, more unsettling side of his inner self that he fails to address in his everyday life.
But instead of addressing it, he just balls out and forgets. That’s what most people at the top of their respective professional food chains do anyways: pour themselves into work to escape from their other shortcomings in life. Dez is no different in this regard and it’s why, year after year, he continues to outdo the craziness from an earlier time. Maybe this offseason will prove different for Dez. Then again, it’s doubtful. Self-hate has gotten Dez this far, so he might as well ride it out until he’s retired.
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