Don’t let the pink flags fool you, the NFL cares as much about women as George Bush does about black people. There’s no need to have the uncomfortable Mike Myers face, this information is not new. The NFL is the Cleveland Browns of caring about women. Domestic violence cases are ignored and buried, while we focus more on Cam Newton’s funny hats and Antonio Brown’s penalized twerking dances.
Unfortunately, a number of abuse charges against athletes are thrown out before an athlete can get punished. When the trail gets to court the women either don’t show up or they suddenly decide to drop the charges. Almost like they were… paid to do it. GASP! I know, these accusations I’m making are as shocking as a misogynistic comment from Donald Trump. It’s sickening these athletes have the money to hit women and get away with it, and it’s even more disgusting that the most powerful sports league in the country lets them do it. I guess most of the hits from these horrific assaults must have been within the league designated PSI, because many of these events never caused a suspension.
There’s nothing worse than a man who would lay a hand on a woman, not even Jet fans, and Jet fans are terrible. This list doesn’t celebrate these monsters who are as manly as the crotch of a Ken doll. No, this list is to expose these human versions of Rob Schneider movies for the dingle berries they truly are. Learn about the enemies and troll them. Worse thing that can happen is you get punch and paid off.
15 Daryl Washington
The rising star linebacker for the Arizona Cardinals has all but flushed his career down the toilet after being suspended for the past two seasons. Washington signed a four-year $32 million contract and then decided to get himself suspended for the season and then another season. In 2013, Daryl Washington was charged with two counts of aggravated assault when he broke into his baby mama’s house, shoved her to the ground and broke her collarbone. He pleaded guilty and was sentenced to one-year of supervised parole. You’re thinking, “Good, I’m glad that garbage maggot got what he deserved.” However, Washington wasn’t suspended for aggravated assault, he was suspended because he tested positive for marijuana. The NFL: Where you can fight your baby mama, but can’t light that pain reducing ganja.
14 Samari Rolle
The former Titans and Ravens cornerback apparently doesn’t know what Valentine’s Day represents. On Valentine’s Day, 2005, Samari Rolle’s wife was treated for a cut over her left eye. Valentine’s day is the day to love and get weird with your partner, not to get angry and violent. Rolle received a zero game suspension from the NFL, and made a $10,000 donation to battered women and took counseling. I get it, you buy your girl a box of chocolates and she leaves you with the nasty coconut one. It’s frustrating, but those are HER chocolates, and you’re lucky she even shared them with your punk-ass. Rolle hit his wife on Valentine’s day, he should've never played in the NFL again and been sentenced to eat all the coconut candies until he gets diabetes and loses a foot.
13 Dez Bryant
What do you get when you take Michael Irving minus the cocaine and post-season success and add injury concerns with a dash of woman abuse? Cowboys wide receiver Dez Bryant. In 2012 Bryant allegedly grabbed his own mother by her shirt and slapped her across the face with his hat. It sounds similar to something a mother would do to discipline her child running around the house and acting a fool, not something a grown man would do to his own mother. Bryant’s mom had swelling in her wrists and a torn shirt and bra. Come on, Dez. You can’t be slapping your mom with a hat and tearing her bra. Bryant was charged with a misdemeanor for assaulting a family member, posted his $1,500 bond and that was it, no suspension, nothing. In 2015, Bryant did get robbed on a gaming winning divisional catch and if karma is a momma it will happen a few more times for good measure.
12 Shawne Merriman
The former Defensive Rookie of the Year, San Diego Charger linebacker, and steroid user had his body and career fall apart around the time he met MySpace star Tila Tequila. The self-proclaimed “Queen of Myspace” dated the doping Merriman in 2009, and believe it or not, the talentless reality star and the cheating football player couldn’t make things work.
Shawne Merriman is a mountain of trash and torn muscles. Tila Tequila is nothing more than a gnat. Yes, they are annoying but they have a shelf life of a week so just ignore them and be done with it. Instead the 6’4 260 pound Merriman decided to choke and restraint the 4’11 104 pound Tequila. The charges were torn up a week later just like Merriman's knee and Achilles.
11 Jonathan Dwyer
The former Cardinals running back saw Ray Rice’s and Greg Hardy’s disgusting assaults on women and then saw Adrian Peterson’s terrible child abuse and thought, “I’m not as good as a football player as those guys, but if I hit a women and a child I can be a bigger pile of puke than them.” In 2014, Dwyer racked up five charges in two days. July 21st, Dwyer tried to get some afternoon delight with his girlfriend and when she didn’t want any part of his thumb crotch he head-butted her and fractured her nose. The next day, Dwyer proved there’s no bottom to his awfulness and punched his girlfriend in the face. Dwyer threw a tantrum and started punching walls and acting like a man who’s genitals get confused for an outtie bellybutton. When his girlfriend tried to call 911 he threw the phone out the window, and then he picked up a shoe and threw it and hit their 17-month old son hitting him in the stomach. Who throws a shoe? Honestly! Dwyer was cut from the Cardinals and received eighteen months of probation and a lifetime of shame.
10 Bruce Miller
You might remember Bruce Miller from earlier this year when he beat up a seventy-year-old man, well don’t worry he also beats up women. In 2015, this double-barrel-douche allegedly smashed his fiancée phone and shoved to the ground in a shopping plaza parking lot. Nothing like a day of shopping and domestic abuse. Miller plead no contest to disturbing the peace and completed a 16-week domestic violence course. The 49ers fully supported their full-back, because why not support a terrible human that plays a dying position?
It is unsure if the domestic violence course was designed to rehabilitate Miller or make him better at violence, because a little over a year Miller was arrested again. This time Miller committed seven felonies and a misdemeanor for good measure. Miller was thrown out of a restaurant after arguing over a sandwich and when there was no vacancy at the Marriott, he started pounding on doors until a seventy-year-old man answered. Miller then beat the elderly man and his son with the old man's cane and fled the scene. Thank goodness the 49ers gave this a second chance, or we would’ve never known the true capabilities to this 250-pound hemorrhoid. The 49ers cut Miller this season.
9 James Harrison
James Harrison is the Steelers linebacker who retires and unretires more than Brett Farve. James Harrison has the nickname Deebo which is fitting because he is utterly terrifying, an abusive bully, and really needs to get knocked out.
In 2008, Harrison was arrested with criminal mischief and simple assault. Wait, how can a six foot 275 professional football player commit “simple” assault? Harrison destroyed a bedroom door, snapped his girlfriend’s phone in half, and slapped her in the face. What caused such a terrifying act of violence? Harrison’s and his girlfriend had an argument about the baptism of their son. I must have missed that part in the bible. “It’s cool if thou strikeths one’s baby mama for refusing to water board thou’s child.” Congratulations, James, you’re a terrible person and you can’t grasp the very simple foundations of Christianity. Make sure you root for James Harrison, Ben Roethlisberger, and all the classy Pittsburg Steelers every Sunday!
8 Brandon Marshall
The crazy talented and just plan crazy, wide receiver Brandon Marshall has been named in eight instances of violence against women, but none of them lead to a criminal conviction. Conveniently and probably costly, the accuser would drop or change their story.
Marshall had a turbulent relationship with Rasheedah Watley. In June 2006, Watley hid in the bushes and called her friend saying Marshall punched her in the face. When the fuzz showed up Marshall said Wately punched him, the officers saw scratches on Marshall’s chest and no charges were filed. Watley and Marshall did the same song and dance two other times, abuse was reported and then the story was either changed or dropped.
In 2008 Marshall was hit with a three game suspension from the league's personal-conduct policy, but he promised to be cool and they dropped it to one game. In 2009 Marshall and his fiancée, Michi Nogami-Campbell were arrested for kicking and punching each other on the sidewalk. I can only hope it looked like Bart and Lisa before their hockey game. Of course both of them refused to testify against each other and the charges were dropped.
The happy and healthy couple got married and in 2011 had a very Florida moment. Florida Sheriff’s arrived to Marshall’s home and saw a pool of blood by the door, some blood on a clip of bullets, and blood on Marshall’s shoes. You add a Pitbull song to that scene and you got yourself a popping Miami party. Michi was dressed with a large bruise on her left cheek and a cuts on her foot and finger. Marshall was wearing cuts on both wrists and a slash to the gut that required surgery. Michi said she stabbed Marshall in self-defense and was charged for aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Marshall later changed the story and said he slipped and fell on shards of broken glass from a shattered vase. Oldest excuse in the book. However, it still got the authorities to drop the charges against Michi. And you thought Marshall and Cutler had a complex relationship.
7 Larry Johnson
The former All-Pro running back had two great season with the Kansas City Chiefs and three times as many arrests. Five of those arrests were various assault charges on women and four of them happened while he was still playing in the NFL. During his time with the Titans, Johnson was deactivated one game for violating an undisclosed team rule, but the Titans stated it had nothing to do with the assault investigation. I guess there’s no rule against verbally assaulting a women and spitting a drink in her face.
In 2012, Johnson was arrested after he choked a former girlfriend at a Las Vegas Strip club. Johnson’s ex had several marks on her face and bruising on her neck. Johnson served eighteen hours, and was convicted of domestic violence, battery, and assault. He was sentenced to one-year probation, forty-eight hours of community service and a whooping $345 dollar fine. (Littering is a $500 fine) Ouch, that’s going to take a dent out of Johnson’s twenty-million-dollar net worth.
6 Ray McDonald
“Ray McDonald is a trash ball E-I-E-I-O. With a rape charge here, and child endangerment there, here an assault, there an assault, everywhere an assault assault.” The former 49er and Chicago Bear gives you options on why you would want to see him get a Negan bat to the head. You can choose from:
Luckily, the Chicago Bears picked C. and cut McDonald shortly after his latest arrest. McDonald is not in the league and hopefully is wallowing in pig crap like the swine he is.
5 Adam Jones
Adam "Pacman" Jones has successfully made people call him “Pacman” for his entire life. I guess Adam “The guy who likes to slam stripper’s faces into the stage” Jones wasn’t catchy enough. If Adam Jones is Pacman then the strip clubs must be his power pellets. I’m not judging about the Strip Club attendance. I support live theater. What I don’t support? Grabbing a stripper by her hair and slamming her face on the stage. In February 2007, Pacman was at a Vegas Strip club making it rain with rapper Nelly, because that’s what everyone does in Vegas. Pacman noticed a dancer collecting the money and that’s when the pimp juice kicked in. Pacman allegedly grabbed her by the hair and spiked her head on the stage. Pacman wasn’t making it rain with hundred dollar bills for the women, he was “creating an effect.” It doesn’t work like that, Pacman. You might be able to get away with tying a string around a quarter and getting a few free plays of Pacman, Pacman, but Pacman, you can’t pull that trick with strippers. There’s a no take back policy with strippers. They dance for you, make you feel cool, and you give them money. It’s a fool proof system I’ve followed for years. Don’t rock the boat, Pacman.
Pacman just doesn’t abuse exotic dancers; he spits in the faces of college students and bar patrons. In a two-month stretch in 2006 Pacman spit in the faces of two different women. Not the kinky type of spit, but the mean, uncalled for spit in the face. There really should just be a list of the top fifteen Pacman Jones arrests
Unfortunately, Pacman is more memorable for his off-field behavior than the seven career touchdowns. Yes, some might recall an impressive punt return or interception, but let’s face it, more people know him for the guy who causes drama in the strip club. Why is he in the league? I don’t know. Maybe it was all a misunderstanding and Pacman is dyslexic and always thought he was going out to Club Strippers? The NFL gave Pacman two chances and in 2010 Pacman finally learned that instead of being a scumbag women abuser, he can be a scumbag on the field and play for the dirty Cincinnati Bengals.
4 Ray Rice
When you think of a garbage human being, chances are Ray Rice pops into your head. Rice showed the world what scumbags can do when he knocked out his fiancé in a Las Vegas hotel elevator. Luckily, hitting your fiancée isn’t covered under the statute of “What Happens in Vegas Stays in Vegas” and TMZ exposed Rice for the dung beetle he truly is. Since the video’s release the three-time Pro Bowler hasn’t come close to playing professional football, and league is doing fine without him.
The most nauseating thing about the horrible incident was the NFL’s reaction, an initial two game suspension. The NFL claims they didn’t have the video of Rice hitting his wife until it was released. Yeah, okay, and Ray Lewis didn't murder a dude. What’s truly shocking is to think TMZ did something good. Without TMZ releasing that video, there’s no doubt Ray Rice would’ve play for the Ravens and the NFL would’ve hide that little secret like Peyton Manning’s HGH. You can be happy to know that Ray Rice won’t play in the NFL again. You can be sad when you realize it’s not because he’s a toilet goblin, it’s because he’s twenty-nine and averaged 3.1 yards per carry in his last year.
3 Josh Brown
Josh Brown: The wife beating, field goal kicking, New York trash bag has proven that even kickers are capable of acting like football players. Brown was suspended the first game of the 2016 season for physically abusing his wife in 2015. Brown’s ex-wife told police of over twenty physically violent incidents. TWENTY! This Hershey stain doesn’t play twenty plays a game. To make matters more nauseating, John Brown kept a diary that admitted to his abuse against his wife. In the diary he confessed to being a physically, mentally, emotionally, and verbally repulsive man. Brown continues on saying he’s been abusing woman since age seven.
Nearly a year after the Giants made a futile attempt to raise awareness on domestic violence called “No More” where they played PSA’s by Eli Manning, Tom Coughlin, and co-owner John Mara on the jumbotron during timeouts, John Mara came out to defend their wife beating kicker. Mara and head coach Ben McAdoo stood by their kicker saying cowardly statements like “These are not easy decisions.” And “We’re not going to turn our back on Josh.” Actually, it is a very easy decision. Cut your kicker and turn your back on him. Picking which Manning Brother has a bigger gomer face is a tough decision; cutting a cowardly wife-beating kicker is as easy as it gets. Luckily, the Giants found it somewhere in their cold dead heart to choose the safety of women over an aging wife-beating kicker and cut Brown. Next time, don’t wait months to take out the trash.
2 Greg Hardy
Fun Fact about Greg Hardy: his heart beats garbage water. He’s a man that would no doubt punch you in the head for breathing wrong. In 2014, Hardy was arrested for assault, after he allegedly tossed his girlfriend against a tile bathroom wall and then choke slammed her onto a futon covered in assault rifles. Hardy was found guilty by a judge and sentenced to sixty days in jail. However, when Hardy appealed the decision and requested a jury the case was dropped when the victim didn’t testify in court. Basically, Hardy reached a civil settlement and avoid jail, but the stain of scum will never leave.
Hardy was on the commissioner’s exempt list for 2014, meaning he was allowed to collect his earnings but not partake in any team activities. Which breaks down to about a thirteen million dollar paid vacation for beating up your girlfriend. Thanks NFL! Hardy was suspended for the first ten games of the 2015 season, but an arbiter reduced it to four games, because the NFL is more concerned about Tom Brady’s cell phone than women’s safety. The Cowboy’s proved they’re as classy as a t-shirt tuxedo and signed Hardy to a one-year $11.3 million-dollar contract. Dallas realized their mistake, but never admitted, and luckily the Cowboys and every other team refused to sign Hardy in 2016.
1 Terrell Suggs
The biggest turd in the crap bowl of the NFL goes to Terrell Suggs. Unlike most of the other spineless, ego driven alpha males mentioned in this column Suggs has gotten off free. No suspension, no fine, no negative attention. Instead Suggs is portrayed as a jokester who went to “Ball So Hard University” rather than the monster who threatened to drown his baby’s mother with bleach.
In 2009, Suggs got in an argument with his now ex-wife Candace Williams about tickets for the Steelers-Ravens game, which allegedly lead to Suggs knocking her to the ground, choking her and screaming obscenities at her while he held a bottle of bleach over her head and threatened to drown her. Williams tried to put her hands on the cap of the bleach bottle but it ended up spilling on her and their one-year old child. To top it all off, Suggs allegedly kicked Williams in the face and broke her nose. Then in 2012 Williams claimed Suggs punched her in the neck and dragged her alongside a speeding car that had her children inside. Williams received road rash and Suggs won defensive player of the year.
Williams eventually filed for divorce from Suggs and took to social media to expose Suggs for being the human equivalent of a Nickelback song. Williams has made claims that Suggs sends his kids to school without lunch money, with shoes too small for their feet, and uses corporal punishment. Yet, Suggs had his team spin it as a “scorned ex” trying to smear his reputation. That’s always a risk when dealing with professional athletes, but to have Suggs consistently paraded around like a fun loving guy without further investigating these heinous accusations is a disservice to all females. Sadly, that is exactly the type of behavior that should be expected from the NFL.
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