Training camp is but a few weeks away so we will soon be introduced to tons of pictures and videos of grunting, sweating, heaving, angry, and overall ugly as sin NFL players as they make their way through what can be a very grueling part of the overall season for many players. This can be unpleasant for the players but also for the fans as we struggle to glean any and all information we can about the state of our teams viewed through the prism of giant dudes looking really messed up and disfigured.
While there are some very structurally pleasing males that play America’s Game (I’ll always have a serious bromance for you, Jason Taylor), there are also some really, really ugly dudes that are just completely broken in the face. These guys are often scary, menacing, confusing to look at or just overall dopey as heck. It’s almost as if some of their faces have been altered in molten lava or genetically mutated via a radioactive disaster that rendered them into unstable beasts incapable of normal human expressions. It’s frightening.
We’ll attempt to go through some of the NFL’s more ‘facially challenged’ players in the following list. Some of you may find this offensive or unnecessary or just plain mean but I urge you to look through the list, take notes and stay vigilant. These heinous creatures are amongst us and we can never be sure of their desires pertaining to the eating of our children or elderly. There is still time to stop them. The power is in our hands; do not shirk from this global responsibility.
15) Marshawn Lynch
Marshawn Lynch clearly doesn’t care what he looks like. He’ll barely say two words to the media and he’s usually covered up when he does. Maybe with good reason! In a way, the look sort of fits Lynch’s style. Punishing, will run over you and you’d better get out of his way. Oh, by the way Pete Carroll, no matter how ugly you think he is, you still give him the ball when you’re one yard away from a Super Bowl victory.
14) Lavarr Arrington
Not only does he appear to be menacing in a very murder-y way but he’s rocked some weird hairstyles that only amplified his crazy eyes in a very Sideshow Bob kind of manner. You definitely want to avoid him if you happen to come across him in an alley by crawling into a trash can, jumping in a dumpster or simply letting his crazy eyes devour your soul as quickly and painlessly as possible.
13) Jeff Hostetler
The one-time Super Bowl winner and QB for the New York Giants essentially looked like a 70s adult film star gone wrong. Hostetler unapologetically rocked that mustache without the slightest bit of irony throughout his tenure with the Giants, Redskins and Raiders. It doesn’t help that the rest of his face looks like it’s processing a bowel movement half the time.
12) Brian Hartline
Plain and simple: he looks like a chipmunk. Somehow this chipmunk fooled former Dolphins GM Jeff Ireland into thinking he should be paid like a no.1 receiver while putting up no.4 receiver numbers. Chipmunk Boy also has a penchant for falling down as soon as he catches the ball. The Dolphins were finally smart enough to let him go after paying him millions to do who knows what. He can now do that in Loserville, USA i.e. Cleveland (sorry, Cleveland fans…your problem now).
11) Kyle Orton
Ah, the infamous Neck Beard. It’s hard to remember now but he was at one time considered a capable QB that teams actually lobbied to acquire! This handsome devil was more known for his facial hair than any on-the-field accomplishments, however. Orton managed to pull off a look that says both “DUUURRRRFFF?” and “You mind if I hold on to whatever’s left in that gas canister? You know…for huffing?”
10) Nick Foles
Man, Nick Foles looks rough. I’m sure he fell on a lot of teams’ draft boards because it simply doesn’t make sense to have the face of your franchise be THAT FACE. Major dopey face going on there. Very little symmetry. If you come across Foles and you have a run or pass option, seriously just PASS. Yipes. Guy has a major ‘DERRRRRFFF’ face. It’s so bad it’s nearly worrisome. The only redeeming quality is if you’re a fan of Scooby Doo and can’t get enough of Shaggy.
9) Jimmy Clausen
Jimmy Clausen is probably right above Arrington on the ‘I-Look-Crazy-And-I-Have-No-Problem-Terrifying-Everyone’ scale. I know of a certain gorgeous NFL cheerleader that was always hollering at Clausen on Twitter and it’s just mind boggling because he looks like he would sneak up behind you in a dark alley but then you remember ‘oh yea…he has more money than anyone I know somehow even though he sucks’. Life is awesome that way. Especially for Maniac Face up there.
8) Richie Incognito
Unlike some of the other people on here, Incognito is an actual crazy person. A bully, extremely violent and uncontrollable – and that’s just on the field. He’d probably be somewhat handsome if not for how giant and weird he looks. He really looks like your worst nightmare of your elementary school bully that somehow became a giant overnight and retained some child-like looks that have now morphed into this scary, overgrown baby. He’s pretty terrifying!
7) Robert Griffin III
As his career has taken a turn for the worse since his rookie season, it’s almost as if he’s gotten uglier. The former Andre 3000 of pro football has to now completely re-invent his game to suit the brutality of the NFL. Good luck with that impossible task whilst being that ugly, Grif. Maybe if you were as cute as Brady Quinn you might have some semblance of a chance but with that face? It’ll be a tough road to hoe, indeed.
6) Curtis Painter
Curtis Painter had these long, flowing Kurt Cobain-wannabe locks that just screamed ‘NO’. He also looks like he’s about to fall asleep most of the time. His career numbers, you ask? 148 for 287 for six TDs and 13 INT. Might be able to see the field better if you have some coffee and wake up, Goldilocks! Painter was lucky enough to be an untouched backup until Manning’s neck injury in Indianapolis forced Painter into action. His performance on the field was just as ugly as the savvy Colts sucked their way into the Andrew Luck sweepstakes by smartly holding on to the no.1 overall pick in that year’s draft. Painter and his ugly play were instrumental in this.
5) Jared Lorenzen
As a backup QB for the Giants from 2004 to 2007, Jared Lorenzen was a friggin’ problem out here! Lorenzen was often a source of ridicule from the NY media but he remained unfazed by their laughter by continuing to fight against his metabolism en route to a prolific career in both the Arena Football League’s developmental league as well as the starting QB for Northern Kentucky River Monsters of the Continental Indoor Football League. I love how big he is. It’s just awesome.
4) Sebastian Janikowski
Another kinda weirdly fat guy. Janikowski’s problem isn’t metabolism, though. It’s straight up partying until the sun comes up and not even caring there’s a friggin’ game tomorrow, man. He’s like a modern-day Doc Ellis. He probably has zero idea it’s game day until he’s seven pieces into a KFC bucket. The fact Seabass has lasted this long in the NFL and has still got one of the most powerful legs in the sport is a testament to the power of lard. Never underestimate it; simply appreciate it and wonder in its amusement.
3) Tony Siragusa
If you can even remotely put up with his useless sideline ‘reporting’, then God bless you because the man is very unsightly on high-definition televisions. He is certainly not improving with age. Fox should just show him sitting at a table eating a gigantic plate of spaghetti. At least there would be some level of athleticism to that feat. Typical exchange between Siragusa and Joe Buck:
Buck: “Let’s go down to the field to Tony Siragusa for a closer look on that last play”
Siragusa: (Unintelligible eating sounds from plate filled with spaghetti)
Buck: “Erm. We’ll come back to Tony. Apparently we’re experiencing some technical difficulties.”
2) Paul McQuistan
The McQuistan Brothers. Perhaps the ugliest siblings in sports history. Avert your eyes, people. It only gets worse with brother Pat coming up. Paul, however, looks just big, doughy and happy. You almost want to hug him to take away all the ugly but…nope, too scary! Thankfully, we have the technology available to be able to photograph him. Had this been the 1800s and he was trying to secure a photo of himself in Deadwood, the photographer would have likely said “You sure, mister? I mean, I don’t have a flash drive so this whole picture thing is pretty fragile, expensive and probably better reserved for even remotely average faces. I mean, I’ll do it if you want….”
1) Pat McQuistan
Pat is, sadly, the uglier of the two brothers without a doubt. Sorry, bud. His head starts at the top somewhat normal-ish but then begins to slowly jut out into nearly a trapezoidal shape of some sort. It’s almost as if some of the NFL teams that employed the McQuistan brother services purposely put them in the trenches just to scare the bejesus out of the guy across from them.
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