Say what you will about Tom Brady; make fun of his (deflated) balls, call him a cheater, or just call him the greatest quarterback ever to walk the face of the earth. No matter your opinion on the man you have to admit he is a competitor who’s desire to win makes the players around him better. Players perform around Brady because they know if they don’t they’ll be released or suffer the wrath of Brady eye daggers walking back to the huddle. Tom Brady’s “Did you seriously just drop that?” look could put a streak of gray in your hair. Lord Brady demands the most out of himself and his teammates. He studies like a college student hopped up on Adderall. Tom Brady set an 8:30 bedtime for himself. His diet looks like Eli Manning’s face. In all accounts, Tom Brady is probably a lame dude, because he would rather be a FOOTBALL GOD. He holds himself accountable for every mistake, and on game day he is a doctor ready for surgery. If you want to catch slightly under deflated footballs from Tom Brady, you better be prepared to “Do Your Job” don’t make excuses and catch the damn ball! Here’s a list of 15 Wide Receivers that the Tom “The Chowder Slinger” Brady would hate to have on his team.
15 Eric Decker
I know what you’re thinking. “Wait, Eric Decker is a moderately attractive white wide receiver with injury problems, Tom loves those guys!” You’re right, but Eric Decker also has a case of the consistent dropsies. Yes, Decker has thrown up some monster numbers and in 2012 lead the AFC in touchdown catches with 12, but there’s no doubt Eric Decker would suit up for the Patriots have three drops, break his collar-bone, and get cut in the off-season. Decker might bring suspect hands, but according to his wife, country singer Jesse James Decker, he has a vieny giantmember. After Decker scored against the Bills in week two, Jesse sent out a snap chat “Touch Down Big Dick Decker” Good for you, Decker. Obviously, you got a lot of things going for you, but catching touchdown passes from Tom Brady won’t be one of them. Plus, it is hard enough telling the difference between Julian Edelman, Chris Hogan, and Danny Amendola, no need to further complicate things.
14 Mohamed Sanu
Mohamed Sanu has had the privilege of playing next to one of the best wide receivers in the league in A.J. Green. What does Sanu do when defenses focus on Green? He drops passes. According to PFF Sanu lead the league with 14 dropped passes in 2014, not only that but twenty percent of his “catchable” passes ended up as drops. Digital clocks have better hands than Sanu. You drop a Tom Brady pass you get dropped kicked. Now I know there’s no proof of Tom Brady drop kicking any of his wide receivers but there’s also no proof of it not happening. Sanu is better off playing with his five year, $32.5-million-dollar contract with the Atlanta Falcons. Matt Ryan doesn’t drop kick, he just under-achieves.
13 Aaron Dobson
Unfortunately, Tom Brady had to play with Aaron Dobson for three years. Luckily, Dobson was injured for most of those seasons playing in only twenty-four games and have only 16 catches the last two seasons. Dobson is like the guy you work with that whenever you see him you’re shocked that he hasn’t been fired. No one really knows how many drops Dobson had in his three years in New England because numbers don’t go that high. Actually, I always thought Aaron’s last name was Dropson. Dropson sealed his fate during his final preseason when he refused to comeback and fight for the ball that lead to an interception. He got one last “I hope you choke to death” look from Tom Brady and that’s the last any one has ever seen of Dopson. Actually, that’s not true, after the Patriot fans rejoiced from the cutting of Dropson in 2016, Matthew Stafford and Lion’s fans sighed when Dobson signed on.
12 Wes Welker
Yes, Welker caught thirty-four touchdowns from Tom Brady, and yes, he caught an insane 672 passes in his six years in New England, but if he caught 674 passes Tom Brady would be a six-time Super Bowl winner. Plus,Welker conveniently torn his ACL and MCL on the last game of the 2010 season right before the start of the playoffs which lead to the Patriots getting murdered by the Ravens 33-14. I’m aware you can’t blame Welker for tearing his own muscle and losing a game he didn’t play in, but I’m petty and still mad. Welker is a regular season wide receiver; he should’ve stayed with Miami. If you think I’m being rough on Welker and his hair plugs, ask yourself this: “Do you think the Patriots would have beat the Seahawks if instead of Edelman we had Welker?” And just like Welker dropping Super Bowl passes, I just dropped the mic.
11 Dez Bryant
Incredible talent, incredible ego. Dez Bryant uses his hands to catch footballs, fumble footballs, and hit his mom. The Patriots signed players with questionable pasts, but hitting yo momma?! Hitting meter maids with your car? Totally cool. Slapping your mom? I’m not down with you. Dez has twelve career fumbles and one heartbreaking catch that wasn’t a catch, but we all know it was a catch. Given most of the outbursts comes from Dez having to play with clip-board-quarterbacks, and when Dez has Romo he throws up massive numbers. With Dez, just do the math. If ego (1,000,000) + fumble problems (15) + Injury concerns (12 games and counting) is more than playoff wins (1) then Tom Brady and the Patriots are going to have to pass.
10 Tavon Austin
Tom Brady doesn’t expect much out of his wide receivers just as long as they have perfect hands, incredible football intelligence and they strive for absolute perfection. Los Angeles Rams wide receiver Tavon Austin has hands like Chubbs from Happy Gilmore, and the brain capacity of an actual Ram. As of week four, Tavon Austin has four drops and sixteen catches this season. Not bad for a guy who just signed a four-year $42-million-dollar contract, oh wait, that’s terrible! Can’t blame Austin on the utterly-stupid move by the Rams. Speaking of stupid, Austin scored a seven on the wonderlic, which is one of the lowest scores in NFL history. What have we learned? Stupid loves Stupid. If your hands don’t work and your brains don’t work, then you won’t be working with Brady.
9 Stevie Johnson
Stevie Johnson’s work ethic isn’t the problem; he was a seventh round draft pick who worked his way to NFL relativity. Tom can appreciate that. Johnson is tough too; in 2011 he played the season with a torn groin and a broken hand. Tom can appreciate that as well. However, Stevie has a hard time owning up to his mistakes, and that’s something Tom won’t accept. After Johnson dropped a wide open gaming winning touchdown pass against the Steelers in 2010 he went to Twitter to curse…God. Yes, Stevie thought to himself, hell if I give God the credit the least he can do is share some of the blame. Johnson tweeted, “I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO...” Johnson is currently on IR for a torn meniscus. No one knows who’s at fault, but the prime suspect is God. Well played, G.
8 Dwayne Bowe
The best thing about Dwayne Bowe is if you look at his name really quickly it looks like David Bowie, but really, that’s about it. Bowe flirted with some great seasons, but like me and that smoking hot bartender nothing happened. Bowe caught 15 touchdowns in 2010 and had three one-thousand yard seasons, but bad hands and great weed hindered Bowe’s career. In 2011 Bowe was pulled over for speeding, plus his license and insurance was expired, and he was riding dirty with 16.8 grams of marijuana. How did Bowe get himself out of that one? He asked the officer if the nearby Sonic was still open. Bravo, sir. A professional athlete eating fast food? Come on man, Tom Brady doesn’t even eat tomatoes. I highly doubt he would put up with the stone-hand stoner. This offseason Dwayne Bowe was cut from the Browns…Cut. From. The. BROWNS! If Bowe can’t swim in the NFL toilet bowl what makes you think, he can hang with royalty like Tom? However, Bowe did end up getting 9 million from the Browns for his five catches, and that my friends, can buy you a whole bunch of chili cheese corny hot dogs! Smoke up, Dwayne. You win.
7 DeSean Jackson
Some would say, “DeSean Jackson is the man.” But Tom Brady wouldn’t be one of those people. He’s a gifted receiver that runs one route. DeSean is talented, but has the awareness of your college roommate who didn’t see the tie hanging on the door. We all remember the Monday Night game when DeSean Jackson scored a touchdown, but then decided “Naaa, I’m gonna flip this ball backwards and start this sweet dance move early.” I get it, premature celebration is something that affects a number of men, but DeSean pulled that same epic bonehead move in college. If he pulled that stunt with Tom Brady, he would receive a death stare that would’ve melt his face like the Nazis in Raiders of the Lost Arc.
6 Justin Blackmon
Coming out of Oklahoma State, Justin Blackmon was going to be the next Terrell Owens. He didn’t produce like Terrell Owens on field, but if we are talking about being a distraction and frustrating teammates and fans, it is pretty close. Justin Blackmon has already managed to drink himself into oblivion at only twenty-six. There’s always a possibility that Blackmon could’ve had a NFL career, but the moment he realized he had to play for the Jaguars sent him straight to the corner liquor store, and I can’t blame him for that. Tom Brady has four super bowl rings. Justin Blackmon has four arrests. Blackmon has three DUI’s. Tom Brady has three super bowl MVP’s. Blackmon was the fifth pick overall in 2012 and drank it away. Tom Brady was the 199th player drafted and still obsesses (and cries) over it. Clearly, these two athletes are on different trajectories.
5 Todd Pinkston
Tom doesn’t do it as often as Peyton Manning, but every once in a while he puts the ball in a spot where the receiver gets blown up. If you’re playing for Tom you got to do your job and if your job is to go over the middle, catch a pass and take a hit, well you better ready those hands and buckle up. Todd Pinkston ain’t about that life. In 2004 when the Eagles where playing a Monday night game against divisional rivals (Insert Racist team here) Pinkston pulled what has to be the best “Nope” in NFL history. Streaking down the field Todd Pinkston just refuses to catch a touchdown pass in fear of getting hit. Once again Donovan McNabb was the quarterback who was on the short end of the stick, which had to make McNabb sick to his stomach inside that huddle. If Pinkston tried that with Tom, he would’ve been cut on the field. I’m not talking about being released from the team, I’m talking about Tom pulling a Crocodile Dundee buck knife from his cleat and cutting Pinkston up like a hibachi chef.
4 Reggie Wayne
Reggie Wayne, also known as the greatest Indianapolis wide receiver that DIDN’T kill someone in a car wash parking lot. (Cough, Marvin Harrison, Cough). Wayne was an incredible receiver for the Colts and posted three one-hundred yard games against the New England Patriots. In 2015, the Colts cut Reggie Wayne and the New England Patriots, who have a tendency of signing washed up wide receivers scooped him up. It was a perfect move, “Manning you want to play with Welker? Fine! We’ll sign Wayne!” Unfortunately, Wayne lasted less than two weeks. Wayne asked to be released from the Patriots and later complained that the “work environment was too tough.” He went on to say that playing for the Patriots was “not fun.” To say Reggie Wayne is as soft as baby crap, would be a disservice to baby bowel movements.
3 Freddie Mitchell
Freddie Mitchell has the ego of Randy Moss and the talent of Randy Marsh. Freddie Mitchell has gone on record calling himself “A special player.” And saying “I want to thank my hands for being so great.”. That’s some impressive talk for a man with five career receiving touchdowns. Humility and football are not Freddie’s strengths Freddie runs his mouth and can’t back it up. When the Eagles played the Patriots in Super Bowl Freddie Mitchell decided to talk smack about the Pats secondary, claiming he didn’t know any of their names and that he had something “special for Rodney Harrison. Not a smart idea. The Patriots won Super Bowl XXXIX and Freddie Mitchell one catch for eleven yards, or you can say he had one less catch than Rodney Harrison.
2 Reche Caldwell
This dude has buggier eyes than Janine from Ghostbusters. Hey, Janine, sorry about the bug eye thing. The truth is Brady already played with the Reche Caldwell “The Jim Abbott of wide receivers.” Before the days of Randy Moss, Gronk and Edelman Tom had to play with the Caldwell, Ben Watson and Chad Jackson, and he could’ve made it to the super bowl if Reche Caldwell and his Jason Pierre Paul hands would’ve caught any of the wide open passes in the 2006 divisional game against the Colts. Instead, Peyton Manning was the QB who got a Super Bowl lay-up when he got to face Rex Grossman. Good news, Reche Caldwell is not only a terrible football player, but a terrible drug dealer. His post-football story is insane and is worthy of film, let’s just say googling MDMA from CHINA, ordering 4.8 pounds and tracking the package of illegal drugs on your phone is not a good idea. Also, not a good idea, creating a massive gambling ring across the street from an elementary school. You figured with those eyes he would’ve seen something coming.
1 Odell Beckham Jr.
Tom Brady would hate to have ODJ on his team because he would no longer have the coolest haircut. The one-handed catches are amazing, the fantasy football stats are insane and ignoring Lena Dunham is fantastic! However, none of these things translate to the post-season. Like a stuff animal from goodwill, Odell is both soft and dirty. He tries to get under the skin of cornerbacks, but his plan always backfires and he’s the one who ends up getting flagged. And talking about soft, he can’t even beat up a kicking net. Odell isn’t a good teammate and is a distraction and without leather face Tom Coughlin around to keep him in check the only highlights we’ll see from Odell will be from the sidelines and his hairline. If Odell ever played for Tom Brady, well he would probably break all the single season receiving records, but as soon as he throws his first hissy fit he’ll be traded to Minnesota for a third round pick.