Vince McMahon’s illegitimate son Roman Reigns has been universally beloved by the WWE audience since he won the Royal Rumble match to a symphony of cheers in warm-hearted Philadelphia, PA. Since that star-making moment, Roman has been steadily becoming one of the most talented performers the company has ever seen, using his trademark combination of smirking and punching to level foes night-in and night-out. It’s perhaps unsurprising that a man with the ability to cock his fist, transforming it into a powerful weapon of unspeakable doom, would succeed in the highly aggressive world of professional wrestling, but Roman Reigns’ meteoric rise to the top has been one of the quickest ascensions in the history of the sport, rivaling that of equally beloved wrestling superstars such as some racist old guy from Florida who wears cutoff shirts and WrestleMania headliner Lawrence Taylor.
Despite all of the adoration Roman has received in his quest to become WWE World Heavyweight Champion once again, there is still a small segment of the fanbase that isn’t as enamored with The Big Dog. Maybe his eyes are too piercingly grey? Or his smile is too sensually seductive? Or maybe they think having a devastating weapon for an arm is a bit of a cheat? Whatever the case may be, Roman is not immune to the harsh criticisms of the totally tubular people who write about pro wrestling on the internet, one of the more common of which being his utter lack of charisma, an argument that’s tough to refute if having really wet hair and snarling doesn’t count as charisma. With that in mind, enjoy a little scavenger hunt of sorts. On this list are 15 items you may find in your very home with more charisma than two-time WWE Champion Roman Reigns. How many do you own?
15 A Coffee Mug
Any working man or woman’s best friend, the coffee mug is an early-riser’s dream: can hold coffee or tea, has a convenient handle for ease of use and protection from the hot drink inside, doesn’t scream OOOOOOOOOOWWWWWHHHHAAAAAA whenever it goes to punch the lights out of some poor soul. The coffee mug may actually be a bit of an unfair example, as its ceaseless pandering to anyone near it and ability to get people off of their feet is greater than many a wrestler working today. Nevertheless, a regular mug of piping hot coffee is easily more charismatic than the Samoan Spear-mission Machine.
14 A Bath Towel
Something Roman Reigns is clearly unfamiliar with given the moisture that accumulates on his hair on a daily basis, the humble bath towel serves a very important purpose in the lives of the regularly-bathed around the globe. Never failing to provide a necessary service in daily life and always making the very best of every opportunity it is given, the bath towel does its job perfectly every time. That is perhaps more than can be said for man who brought us the brilliant catchphrase “Belee Dat.”
13 Salt and Pepper Shakers
The perfect accompaniment to any meal, salt and pepper shakers sit constantly at the ready, dutifully resting on kitchen tables and countertops in millions of homes, ready to take action. Where Roman Reigns hasn’t always added much to feuds that he’s been a part of, salt and pepper shakers are always spicing up whatever food they come into contact with, dutifully adding just a little bit of extra deliciousness to anything from eggs to fine steaks to whatever it is vegans eat.
12 A Plain White Undershirt
Perhaps simply on this list due to its ability to hide the torso of its wearer without being a silly flak jacket, the plain white undershirt is a steady hand: always ready to be called upon and provide an extra layer of sweat protection or style. While Roman Reigns can be hit and miss when it comes to being a consistent worker, the plain white undershirt protects from pit stains nearly every time and the average person is always content with seeing it in his/her dresser drawer or closet.
11 A Box of Ziploc Bags
While Roman Reigns has often come under fire for his lack of versatility and ability to portray emotions that aren’t mildly smug or heart-wrenchingly sad, Ziploc baggies are one of the most versatile object a homeowner can possess. Whether they’re being used to hold liquids on an airplane or keep half of a sandwich fresh and tasty, Ziploc bags are almost always successful in fulfilling whatever task their owner has for them. And while they may never be appreciated for how useful they are, these little plastic sacks are ready for the big time. #PushZiploc2K16
10 Zack Ryder
Perennial underdog Zack Ryder has, with few exceptions, been absent from WWE TV since his disastrous angle with John Cena, Kane, and Eve Torres. He may not be as common a household item as many on this list, but come down to your kitchen late at night and there’s a strong chance you’ll find The Long Island Iced Z chowing down on the last of your bologna while muttering something about catering. And though it’s very possible he’s responsible for all the socks you’ve lost in the dryer over the years, Zack Ryder is an impressively charismatic wrestler. ‘Tis a shame you may find him Woo Woo Woo-ing in your attic come WrestleMania season.
9 A Refrigerator
Effortlessly one of the coolest items any given household, the refrigerator is by design what WWE has tried to convince us Roman Reigns is for years. The common refrigerator manages to have that unidentifiable “cool factor” that many wrestlers spend their whole careers trying to attain without needing to arrive everywhere it goes through a crowd of people, a trait Roman Reigns would be sure to envy. And while both refrigerators and Roman Reigns have managed to let people down due those in control of them (a circuit breaker, WWE Creative), it’s hard to imagine a house without the presence of a refrigerator.
8 A Lamp
Everyone’s favorite desk-based light source, the lamp has been a perennial favorite since its conception. Lighting up a room with little more than a push of a button or twist of a dial, lamps combine ease of use with remarkable usefulness around the home. Roman Reigns is sure to find a bit of jealousy in the ease with which lamps enhance every moment they are involved in, such as allowing people to see in a bedroom or allowing people to see in a living room. Where Roman Reigns can’t quite figure out how to light up the wrestling ring, lighting things up is what the lamp does best.
7 A Toolbox
While many have been quick to compare Roman Reigns to a toolbox, even going so far as to call him one, that’s actually rather unfair to the humble toolbox. Containing such incredibly useful home improvement or repair items such as a wrench, a screwdriver, and maybe even a pair of pliers, toolboxes are chock full of various kick-knacks that can improve a home. Roman Reigns, on the other hand, is yet to find himself that useful to the WWE roster.
6 A Toothbrush
One of the most (hopefully) commonly utilized household items on this list, toothbrushes have long been valued for their ability to maintain cleanliness and keep the lowest hole in the average human’s head smelling fresh. While Roman Reign’s cleanliness can be called into question due to his insistence on entering the ring where every sweaty member of the WWE Universe can grope him, the toothbrush is always ready to clean up even the foulest of teeth and gums. And as many people are content if not relieved with seeing their toothbrush at least twice a day, very few have such a desire to see The Big Dog.
5 A Sponge
Sponges are some of the toughest SOBs in the world of household items. They glide seamlessly along any smooth surface, easily soaking up the toughest of spills and keeping the home looking clean and new. Roman Reigns has yet to find such ability to make even the worst messes look good, as his matches depend entirely on the talent of his opponent. Wrestlers like Seth Rollins can get an entertaining match out of the most mediocre of opponent, making him the Mr. Clean Magic Eraser to Roman Reigns' Bounty Paper Towel on a good day.
4 A Roll of Paper Towels
Paper towels are one of the most underappreciated items in the home. They clean up messes and spills as long as they can and then as soon as there’s no more for them to give, they simply disappear. We have yet to see Roman Reigns follow the same path, as despite accomplishing everything he set out to do to the hatred of the fans, he simply refuses to disappear afterwards. Reigns could take a lesson from the simple paper towel roll.
3 A Ceiling Fan
Never failing to keep air circulating around the home, ceiling fans serve a very important purpose. They cool down the room when necessary, and when they aren’t keeping things nice and frosty, they lie dormant and out of the way. Roman Reigns, while succeeding in the first part of cooling crowds down (when he’s not firing them up with anger), hasn’t quite mastered the staying out of the way thing, as constant backstage segments that show off exactly how unprepared he is for such a position keep him on our TVs and in our lives.
Paper towels’ classy cousin, napkins are commonly utilized as a barrier from food spillage when resting comfortably on a lap or as a remedy to it when mishaps occur at the dinner table. Much like Roman Reigns, they look great, but they eclipse the former muscle of The Shield in staying power and usefulness. While napkins do exactly what they’re told with little issues, Roman’s delivery of lines leaves much to be desired. And while napkins prevent messes, Reigns has a propensity towards creating them, as Royal Rumble 2015 clearly demonstrates.
1 Toilet Paper
Everyone’s reluctant best friend, toilet paper may not be glamorous, but it’s hard to imagine life without it. It’s essentially the opposite of Roman Reigns in every way: it’s kinda gross, but it’s absolutely vital to the well-being of society as whole. Without toilet paper, the whole world would be a considerably smellier and nastier place to live. Without Roman Reigns, the world would be fairly unchanged, albeit a bit less angry. And while toilet paper does the undesirable job of cleaning up the most disgusting of messes, some would argue Roman Reigns constitutes those messes.