To get this out of the way right up front -- Hulk Hogan hasn’t murdered a single person that we know of. So if we compare his life’s scorecard to a handful of historical demagogues who immediately pop to mind, in terms of sheer quantity of atrocity, plenty of individuals throughout civilization have been way, way, much, much worse. No questions or arguments to the contrary can or should be offered.
Like most wrestling fans of a certain age, we’ve got some warm, fuzzy childhood memories tied to The Hulkster and have cut him a lot of slack over the years. “So he wound up with his privates on the internet,” we said at one point. “Big deal, who hasn’t?” Then we had to expand our rationalizations all the way out to saying things like, “Well, he also dropped the N-bomb. Repeatedly, and with much gusto, but, y’know, the dude was going through a brutal divorce, was probably boozed out 70 percent out of his mind, probably didn’t even know where he was much less what he was saying. And look what a sorry, sad puppy dog face he’s making on daytime talk shows!”
But it became clear that not only did Hulk Hogan get taped having intercourse and ranting about black people like your scary Trump supporter uncle, Hogan also expects the universe to reward him for this, to the tune of $140 million. Even the most nostalgic of wrestling fans should be all out of free passes by now.
Click the button below to start this article in quick view
16 The Nightmare That Is Hogan’s Acting Career
One thing you can say about most mass murders and serial killers -- almost none of them ever attempted a movie career. Some terrible people may be responsible for some unspeakable carnage, but we can’t blame them for Suburban Commando, Santa With Muscles, and Mr. Nanny.
While The Rock has gone on to become one of the biggest stars in Hollywood, proving that wrestlers can become huge movie stars, Hogan's movie career never really took off in the way that he would've liked... and we were forced to watch it.
15 He Never Put Over Bret Hart
It’s been rumored that Hulk Hogan was encouraged to lose to Bret Hart sometime after the WrestleMania IX debacle and flatly denied to do so. That might be true, but that might also be internet gossip based on nothing. But we know for certain that Hulk Hogan should have jobbed the World Title back over to The Hitman immediately after the oft-maligned PPV and resumed falling on his face in Hollywood, but he neglected to do so. In 1993, Hogan's time as a worthwhile wrestling champion had ended, although his run as a not-so worthwhile champion would abide for years to come.
To put that in broader context, Napoleon Bonaparte totally would’ve put over Bret Hart. The Hitman wouldn’t have given him an option, but he would’ve done it.
14 Hogan’s Patriotism Scans As Dubious
We’ve all sang along to the “I Am A Real American” song and celebrating where you’re from sure does make a body feel all warm and fuzzy, don’t get us wrong. But just like numerous demagogues have exploited nationalistic fervor to push an insidious agenda, Hulk Hogan waved the flag to inflate his bank account.
What has Hogan ever actually done for America, aside from talk about how much he likes it? And no, dressing up as Mr. America isn't really doing something for America, so we don't want to hear about any of that stuff. Plus, every wrestling fan knew that it was Hogan under that mask, so it wasn't just blind pride for the American colors.
13 Was Literally the Poster Boy of why WCW Thrived and Eventually Failed Miserably
Love or hate him, Hogan did put WCW on the map. The role that the nWo played in the world of pro wrestling changed the business forever and even took down the WWE at one point in time.
Hogan was basically a wrestler made by the WWE that WCW used to get ratings. As much as this tactic worked at one point, it eventually caused the company’s demise as well. With Hulk’s inability to put younger talents over and the WCW’s constant reliance on old, washed up veteran talent, the company fell apart at the blink of an eye.
Whether he owns up to it or not, Hulk was the poster boy for this disaster. He ruined careers and ultimately ruined an entire company with his selfish attitude that only catered to himself and not the rest of the company.
11 Hogan Knows Best
What kind of thirsty a-hole allows his family life to get turned into a phony VH1 reality show just to keep himself on television a few more years? Holy Foley isn’t the same thing, because the WWE Network does not count as television, and The Osbournes isn't the same thing, because as the first celebrity family to subject themselves to reality TV, Ozzy and Sharon didn’t have any context to know better.
But Hogan knew he was tossing his wife and children under a bus, albeit a bus that briefly resembled a spotlight and now the Hogans are all screwed forever, just like the parents from John and Kate Plus 8. Lord only knows what kind of horrible fate is store for the cast of Chrisley Knows Best.
10 Hogan Is Objectively Bad At Wrestling
Hulk Hogan is so bad at making pretend fighting look realistic that he could probably make an MMA fight look staged. Hulk Hogan could get hit by a car and bystanders would assume he was just filming a movie scene. All Hogan ever brought to the table in his matches were punches, kicks, a body slam, a leg drop of doom, and plenty of no-selling. And let us keep in mind, no-selling takes a lot less skill than regular selling.
It’s pretty easy to convince an audience that someone who’s only pretending to hit you isn’t really hurting you. People who suck at their jobs but think they’re awesome at their jobs, and keep getting promotions and huge payouts anyway, are the worst, right? That includes Hulk Hogan.
9 He Kinda Ruined TNA (Without Even Trying)
Remember when Eric Bischoff, Hulk Hogan, and Rob Van Dam all showed up on the same single episode of TNA Impact and it was supposed to be a big honkin’ deal, put TNA on track to becoming a replacement WCW and competition for the WWE, but not much came of it?
Part of TNA’s whole appeal at that point was its perceived alternative edge. Bringing The Hulkster into TNA was kind of like recruiting Gene Simmons from the relentlessly pro-establishment band KISS to replace Sid Vicious in the Sex Pistols. Hogan didn’t really have anything to do with ruining TNA, he just had to be there. But he ruins a lot of stuff without trying. Sex tapes, for instance. Those used to be great! Now they’re horrible.
8 Hulk Hogan Is A Big Ol’ Liar
Hulk Hogan was never almost the bassist for Metallica, no one ever asked him to play Randy “The Ram” Robinson, Andre The Giant never weighed 600 pounds, and he knew good and damn well that The Rock and “Stone Cold” Steve Austin would be helping him introduce WrestleMania XXX, and the Silverdome and the Superdome aren’t the same building.
Some of humanity’s all-time most horrible villains have propagated the philosophy that if you repeat a lie often enough, eventually, people start believing it. Unlike Hogan, many of their loathsome ilk kept their brands of rhetorical rancid diarrhea consistent and, sadly, some people believed them.
But nobody believes Hogan ever could’ve been in Metallica. Hogan’s not even a good liar.
7 He Wouldn’t Be Allowed In His Own Racist (Now Closed) Restaurant
A few years back, TMZ noted that “Hogan’s Beach” - a since shuttered eatery in Tampa - enforced a dress code far stricter than necessary for any family restaurant endorsed by a professional wrestler. Hogan’s Beach banned customers from wearing sports jerseys, low-hanging pants, virtually any clothing deemed “baggy,” and “excessive” or “oversized” jewelry.
What we know for sure, is Hogan’s Beach also outlawed “do-rags” and bandanas -- meaning its own namesake wouldn’t be allowed to eat there if he showed up in his usual attire. If he tried, he’d have no choice but to remove his bandana and expose his iconic bald spot to the blazing Florida sun. According to rumors, Hogan was banned from his own restaurant because of his faulty attire which caused the place to shut down completely.
6 His Wife Looks Like...
It's pretty much a well-known matter of record that Donald Trump wants to sleep with his daughter. Trump’s been making inappropriate comments to the media about Ivanka Trump pretty much since she was an infant. Oddly enough, he doesn’t seem as interested in Tiffany Trump.
Hogan has never gone on record saying he wishes there weren't dire social and legal consequences preventing him from being with daughter. But Hogan did marry a woman who looks quite a bit like his daughter and his preoccupation with Brooke’s romantic life is what prompted him to drop the N-bomb on camera in his first place. So... you be the judge.
5 Hogan Is An Even Bigger A-Hole Than The Ultimate Warrior
When the book chronicling the biggest a-holes in wrestling history finally gets published, The Ultimate Warrior’s chapter will be one of the lengthiest. But even The Warrior was taken aback by The Hulkster’s hypocrisy and narcissism.
A big time racist and homophobe himself, Warrior didn’t include Hogan’s feelings about minorities in his lengthy YouTube shoot video bashing his Halloween Havoc '98 opponent. He only called Hogan out for copious drug use, promiscuity, lying about mending fences with Randy Savage, and being a much, much crappier person than his superhero-esque persona indicated. Frankly, we wish Warrior hadn’t focused so much on the first two.
Before The Warrior's passingm the two were able to "talk it out", although it seemed rather obvious that was for show. At the end of the day, its just another name that despised Hulk Hogan.
4 Hogan Is An Even Bigger A-Hole Than Shawn Michaels
The backstage politicking and entitlement displayed by Shawn Michaels during his Kliq days is the stuff of legends. He's almost as well known for being a locker room cancer as he is for those times he fought a ladder while Razor Ramon watched. But, in 2005, even HBK couldn’t believe the lengths to which Hogan would go to weasel out of losing a match. Thus, The Showstopper spent the highly publicized SummerSlam showdown flailing around like a Merrie Melodies character on quaaludes. He says he wasn’t overselling on purpose, but he also sarcastically referenced Hogan’s “catlike” agility on Raw the following night, during which he also immediately turned face again now that the Hogan feud was over.
We don’t need to believe everything Shawn Michaels has ever said in a shoot interview.
3 Hogan Is Peter Thiel’s Evil Henchman
Of course, the Gawker lawsuit had little to do with whether the public has a right to watch a pro wrestling star smash it, and more to do with the vindictive agenda of billionaire Peter Thiel. Gawker outed Thiel in 2004, he held a big nasty grudge ever since, going so far as to fund multiple lawsuits against the sardonic network of websites.
In wrestling terms -- imagine if Hogan served as Kevin Sullivan’s henchman during The Dungeon of Doom’s glory years in WCW. This is the real world equivalent of that. Thiel has successfully put the main Gawker site out of business. Most of Gawker’s family of news and lifestyle sites -- Jezebel and Deadspin, for instance -- have been sold to Univision and will continue to operate, presumably while less inclined to publish anything that might annoy a famous pro wrestler.
2 Hulk Hogan Hates Unionization
Quite a few problems that have plagued the wrestling industry for decades could be lessened, if not outright resolved, if performers were guaranteed health insurance and not all forced into what’s contractually considered full-time freelancing. A foresightful Jesse Ventura attempted to rally the WWE locker room behind the idea of unionization during the 1980s. For obvious reasons, Ventura’s plan needed to be kept a secret from Vince McMahon during its formative phase. Hogan, as legend has it, rolled over on Ventura and the Boys pretty much immediately.
What did Hogan have to gain by throwing Ventura -- and by extension his co-workers -- under the bus? Nothing personally. Perhaps his problem with organized labor was mostly political in nature? Or maybe he just wanted Vince to love him a little more.
1 Hulk Hogan Hates Freedom of Speech
Okay. Gawker was unquestionably in the wrong posting the Hogan sex tape. Even though, if you’re a media organization sitting on a damaging video of a celebrity, not posting it because you’re worried about hurting somebody’s feelings is financially irresponsible. Hogan understands this. Peter Thiel understands this. But because of their lawsuit, there’s a precedent set in the United States that means if you’ve got enough money, you can put a news-gathering organization out of business for publishing any information about you that you don’t like. Though, again, we don't support the idea of publishing a video that someone was not aware was being taken.
As of now, Melania Trump -- represented by the same lawyer who orchestrated Hogan’s case against Gawker -- is suing The Daily Mail for implying that she used to work for an escort service. Now what’s to stop, let’s say, her husband and/or Hillary Clinton from suing a news gathering organization that writes unfavorable things about them? And how far away is that from bullying the news media into publishing nothing but Soviet-style propaganda?
Leave A Comment
Looking for an AD FREE EXPERIENCE on TheSportster?Get Your Free Access Now!