As much as the Internet Wrestling Community complains -- as it always has, and always will -- overall, the WWE is in better shape than it’s been in for some years. As champions, AJ Styles and Kevin Owens are both bankable stars, well-suited to the current zeitgeist. Dean Ambrose and Sasha Banks, likewise, have tremendous crossover potential and will once again make excellent champions when they both get their respective belts back on upcoming pay-per-views. The formerly passé Miz has bolted back into relevancy. Seth Rollins is on his way to a successful babyface run. The clumsy attempts to turn Roman Reigns into an unnecessary John Cena replacement appear to have subsided. CM Punk has become one of the most famous MMA fighters in history, despite his demonstrated inability to effectively compete in the UFC.
Things seem like they’re going okay for Vince Meekmahan at the moment. But one unconsidered factor could bring about a previously unthinkable paradigm shift and make TNA/Impact the biggest wrestling company in the world, unless immediate action is taken.
The team formerly known as The Hardy Boyz must be re-hired to WWE as soon as possible, or all will be lost.
The athlete formerly referred to as Matt Hardy -- who will we henceforth address as His Broken Brilliance -- will likely demand substantial financial compensation to come back, but the expense is crucially necessary. On the bright side, the athlete formerly referred to as Jeff Hardy -- now known as Brother Nero, or an Obsolete Mule -- will do whatever His Broken Brilliance requests of him, and will likely work for free, so the pair kind of balance each other out.
Here, we will illustrate the specific reasons why the erstwhile Hardy Boyz must return to World Wrestling Entertainment. It should have happened yesterday, and if time travel mechanisms are available, this could be time to put them to use, in spite of the possible damage to the space-time continuum. WWE can air The Final Deletion and its sequels before Impact knows The Hardys have been signed away, but only if they've got their time travel act together.
15 There’s Plenty of Room On The Roster
Ever since WWE split its roster up into Raw and SmackDown Live brands, they’ve had a little bit of trouble filling the three or two hour programs. Except for killing time, there is no other rationale or explanation for a 15-minute-long Enzo and Cass routine on Raw or the likes of Darren Young and Titus O'Neil continuing a feud despite a lack of interest by the fans.
In some respects, the void provides an opportunity to not only call up more talent from NXT, but bring back recognizable names from the past. If there’s room for a Headbangers revival, surely there’s a spot open for the more decorated and influential former Hardys. Perhaps more importantly, His Broken Brilliance and Brother Nero would be expensive, but a heck of a lot cheaper than Goldberg.
14 Possible Lita Reunion
If you’re a big enough of a wrestling fan to be reading this site in the first place, we probably don’t need to recount the history between His Broken Brilliance and Lita. They dated. Things ended on bad terms. His Broken Brilliance -- at the time, dwelling in an unenlightened capsule resembling himself -- briefly lost his job amid the fallout.
But that was all 11 years ago. His Brokenness is now happily married and with child, while Lita maintains comfortable employment as an announcer/writer/trainer/jack-of-all-trades backstage at the WWE. Maybe they still hate each other regardless, but perhaps not enough to prevent one last Team Xtreme reunion while all three members are still young enough to compete. After all, it would make for some good television.
13 TNA/Impact Must Be Deleted
Right now, to the casual wrestling fan, the former Hardys might as well be the only act in TNA. His Brokenness's transformation, The Final Deletion, and Delete and Decay have put the company on the map in a way it hasn’t been since they made the regrettable decision to sign Brother Gene and Brother Aaron -- once addressed as “Hulk Hogan” and “Eric Bischoff” -- back in 2010.
In the 1980s, the WWE stole all the best talent from the regional territories. Maybe that wasn’t fair. But in this instance, you could argue TNA/Impact borrowed the former Hardys from WWE, so WWE would just be stealing them back. And after all, TNA basically built their product picking up former WWE workers, so it's pretty fair wouldn't you agree? Or does it even matter anymore?
12 The Seven Deities
As a whole, the WWE is in a despondent spiritual situation. The Bray Wyatt proclaims himself a god, however gets jobbed out to barely-relevant legacy acts like Kane and nobody understands why. It’s possible that having only one God around simply isn’t enough to get much accomplished.
His Broken Brilliance is guided by not one, but Seven Deities, who have refurbished his viscera following a handful of pummelings from Brother Nero. Monotheism is clearly flawed and worthless, and paganism is the way to go, boy howdy. His Broken Brilliance evinces this truism and it’s time the WWE Universe grow aware of this indisputable fact. Can you just imagine for a second Matt and Jeff replacing the lackluster and Rowan & mediocre Harper. That would be something.
11 King Maxel
The first born son of His Broken Brilliance and Reby Sky is an unusual child, but his peculiarities could be a substantial asset to WWE programming. No matter what occurs around him, King Maxel’s temperament remains one of resigned confusion. When his father battled his uncle, King Maxel didn’t get upset. During Decay’s kidnapping attempt, King Maxel maintained his usual air of slightly baffled serenity, even in the vicious arms of Rosemary.
Raw and SmackDown Live are both stressful environments for performers, backstage personalities, and fans alike. It certainly couldn’t hurt to have an entity who never loses his cool, even though he’s a baby. King Maxel’s may know the future, which may explain his disposition, but the veracity of this supposition will remain more-or-less indeterminable until he learns to talk.
10 Vanguard 1
Whether it’s in warfare or home entertainment, drones are just about everywhere in American society nowadays. Except for in one important place -- the WWE. The lack of drones on both Monday Night Raw and SmackDown Live makes WWE appear antiquated, and out of step with the times.
All that could change if Vanguard 1 arrived alongside his human master, His Broken Brilliance. WWE would go from having no drones at all, utterly slacking off on capturing the drone and drone enthusiast market, to featuring the most charismatic drone currently on television, virtually overnight. Just imagine tuning into Monday Night or SmackDown Live while seeing the infamous Vanguard drone live, now that's just good TV. The landscape of the WWE can certainly change with these guys back in the picture.
9 The Dilapidated Boat
As many readers may recall, The Undertaker was unfortunately burned while making his entrance to a Chambers of Elimination match in 2010. His pyro, it seems, fired incorrectly, scarring his already undead skeleton meats.
As His Broken Brilliance has determined, if errant fireworks are threatening your viscera with their unpredictability and explosive nature, a dilapidated boat can provide total protection. In the inevitable situation in which a pyrotechnic agent employed by Vince Meekmahan makes a mistake, the endangered Superstar will be able to immediately shield his or herself behind The Dilapidated Boat featured in both existing chapters of the Final Deletion. But this is only possible if the former Hardys return. Otherwise, WWE will be forced to find a different dilapidated boat, a task they have thus far proved ill-equipped to handle.
8 Ladders and Tables Are Obsolete
At one point in history - tables and ladders had their uses for novelty purposes. But in today’s sophisticated, post-sports entertainment atmosphere, audiences are indifferent to needlessly dangerous stunts, or so-called “spot monkey” endeavors.
Ladders with rungs and tables with legs must all be deleted, as they have become obsolete. The onetime Matt Hardy and Brother Nero are uniquely suited to the task of deleting ladders with rungs with tables with legs, having abused them so regularly in their regrettable previous incarnations.
Ladders with rungs and tables with legs, admittedly, would be fairly simple to delete, but only His Broken Brilliance is mentally equipped to delete the equally troublesome chairs that fold. Yet another reason why we need the Hardys back in the WWE immediately.
7 Senor Benjamin
Though missing at the time of this writing, Senor Benjamin shall soon be found. Nobody can keep Senor Benjamin down for long. He found his true calling in life in conjunction with his employer. As Matt Hardy began his journey toward Broken Brilliance, Benjamin realized he is no mere groundskeeper, but an indispensable ally in deletion. He is adept at preparing battlefields and has proven he can hold his own in violent confrontations, even against the gnarly likes of Rosemary, Crazzy Steve, and Abyss.
And let us not forget about Benjamin's already viral popularity. Doubtlessly, the merchandising and endorsement deals Senor Benjamin brings to the table make him a more than worthy financial investment for Vince Meekmahan. All together "We Want Senor, clap, clap, clap," ok that's enough.
6 Brother Joseph and Brother William Are Obsolete
Though no self-respecting individual would ever watch such a thing, The Edge and Christian Show appears to be a showcase of juvenile humor and mediocre acting. Without much deliberation, we can surmise this is not how fans of the once mighty tandem of Brother Joseph and Brother William would care to remember the innovators of the con-chair-to and the five-second pose. These great warriors of many classic encounters against Brother Nero and His Broken Brilliance have been reduced to aging nerds who love to play kazoos and must be deleted before they can do any justice to their former prosperity.
There return would potentially help to shape a new bitter rival similar to the likes of Edge & Christian. The options are there, Enzo & Cass? American Alpha? The Club? New Day? Breezango?
5 Brother Edgar and Brother S. Are Obsolete
The siblings sometimes called “Dudley” attracted fame and accolades by implementing tables with legs into their arsenal of offense, as well as inflicting needless emotional and verbal abuse upon innocent members of the Extreme Championship Wrestling audience.
While they claim to have retired from active wrestling, the "Dudley" brothers already have independent booking scheduled. It seems they've gotten to the point where they "retire" once every few years to get attention, kind of like Ric Flair and Black Sabbath. The "Dudley" siblings are Generation Xer redundancies and must be deleted before they can resume being of use to anyone. The Hardys can help with that if they'd return quicker, just imagine another TLC match featuring The Dudleys, Hardy and The Ascension (sarcasm?), boy would that be something.
4 The Bray Wyatt
Many informed, well-educated individuals have speculated that should His Broken Brilliance encounter The Eater of Worlds in any form of combat, the resulting mayhem could cause reality itself to implode. The undoing of the universe as we know it could turn out to be a bad thing. But we don’t know that for sure. It’s equally likely that the end of reality would be a magnificent, wondrous event, and humanity will be far better off for it. We simply don’t know yet and there's only one way to find out!
It’s time to rip the adhesive medical strip of ignorance off of our minds, book His Broken Brilliance against The Bray Wyatt, and bring this foolish reality to a merciful end. Who would prevail? Probably His Broken Brilliance, as The Bray Wyatt doesn't really win matches.
3 Brother Nero Is An Obsolete Mule
The entity formerly described as “Jeff Hardy” did well for himself during his time under the employment of Vince Meekmahan, winning the World Title on several occasions. However, Brother Nero did a terrible disservice to the so-called "WWE Universe" in the process, glamorizing needlessly risky behavior, including leaping off of the excessive heights of various ladders with rungs, and abusing unnecessary medicines distributed at prescription counters.
If Brother Nero were to return to the fold, the fans could witness the vast improvements their former role model has undergone since his elder, wiser sibling awakened him to his own obsoleteness. "Jeff Hardy" was a time bomb of antisocial behavior, but Brother Nero the Obsolete Mule gives us all hope for a better way. He's ready for a return.
2 His Broken Brilliance
Because Meekmahan is an egotist and a philistine, he found His Broken Brilliance’s presence on the WWE roster highly disconcerting during the late ‘90s and ‘00s. Meekmahan could not stand having a competitor who was his intellectual and spiritual better, as well as an athletic specimen that put his other charges to shame, on the payroll.
But as the WWE Network has hardly proven the wild financial success his shareholders were led to expect, Meekmahan may be forced to put his personal feelings aside and do, as they saying goes, "what is best for business." Hardly anyone wishes to view WWE-related content on a daily basis, but if the WWE Network delivered 24-hour “Broken” Matt Hardy-related content, Meekmahan would run out of space in his bank accounts and be forced to eat paper money for dinner and lunch.
To this day, most fans remember The Attitude Era as something as a golden age for WWE, and the company accountants definitely think of it as the high water mark. Considering today’s WWE talent pool is far, far deeper than what the company had going for it in the late ‘90s, why isn’t wrestling as big of a deal as it was in the days of “Stone Cold” and The Rock?
The answer seems obvious -- barely anybody has a memorable catchphrase. His Broken Brilliance has crafted several, for the purposes of helping the drooling masses understand and internalize his wisdom. There’s “Delete! Delete! Delete!” of course. “I Knew You’d Come” is also a hit with T-shirt enthusiasts everywhere. “Ovah” and its various permutations appeals to WWE’s target demographic. And with his Broken Brilliance's boundless vocabulary and oratory mastery, we can count on even more Broken catchphrases making their way into the public psyche.