The English poet John Donne once wrote that "no man is an island," meaning that people need others in order to achieve the greatest success and cannot thrive when they cut themselves off. This is particularly true in the world of wrestling, as WWE Superstars require help from a variety of people, including trainers, coaches, backstage decision-makers who give them a push, and the fans who support them and do their best to help them get opportunities.
Some people, upon reaching WWE stardom in a storyline, even take extra precautions in order to maintain their position, by recruiting a sidekick or even a whole group of cohorts to give them advice, support and to watch their back in a fight. These sidekicks could work in a number of capacities - be it as a bodyguard, disciple, protege or security, and can prove to be hugely valuable to a Superstar.
The only problem is that not every appointment results in a Diesel or an Evolution - future champions that will usually get the job done. Sometimes, the WWE's top performers find that they've taken on a bumbling buffoon, or even a whole gaggle of nitwits whose complete ineptitude for even the simplest task means that more often than not, they turn out to be a complete liability.
In honour of the blundering sidekicks who are more likely to slip on a banana peel than spill blood, we've decided to take this opportunity to look at the 15 most incompetent flunkies to have ever (dis)graced the WWE ring.
15 Dana Brooke
Since May 2016, Dana Brooke has served WWE Women's Champion Charlotte as her 'Enforcer', but so far Dana has failed to enforce anything other than the notion that she is useless.
After a few months working on NXT as the egotistical 'Total Diva', Dana Brooke was originally called up to the main roster to assist her friend Emma and, in doing so, rekindling their 'Mean Girls'-esque alliance that brought them attention in NXT. Unfortunately, Emma suffered an injury just weeks into Dana's promotion, leaving the former champion bodybuilder to fend for herself. This was Charlotte's cue to swoop in and acquire Dana Brooke's services as both her muscle and as her protege.
While this relationship got off to a promising start, Dana has since cost Charlotte several important matches and has essentially become the first, small obstacle to challengers for Charlotte's title. Dana's role has now become 'person you have to beat in order to get a title match against Charlotte' - and you can bet your bottom dollar that Dana loses those matches every time. Luckily for Dana, she still has time to turn things around.
14 Kama Mustafa
Before transitioning to his beloved and much more successful persona of The Godfather, Charles Wright wrestled as Kama Mustafa - the street fighting member of The Nation of Domination.
The Nation of Domination was a very effective faction which helped several of its members, including The Rock, D-Lo Brown, Mark Henry and Kama Mustafa himself launch successful singles careers after the group disbanded, but while operating as a unit, Kama Mustafa was always at the bottom of the pecking order. While he usually did fine as a part of group attacks, Mustafa's attempts at singles matches were much less fruitful. Often the first step for rivals of who wanted to challenge the group's leader after defeating the faction's underlings, Kama Mustafa would offer little resistance to vicious challengers like Ken Shamrock.
Numerous beatings led Kama Mustafa to change paths entirely and dedicate his life to pimpin' - a career in which the phrase 'Nation of Domination' has an entirely different meaning.
13 Erick Rowan
As a staple of The Wyatt Family since their debut in July 2013, the hulking Erick Rowan casts an intimidating presence whether standing menacingly in the ring displaying furious rage-filled eyes or as part of backstage segments as the lurking broken lamb looming over cult leader Bray Wyatt.
When it comes to actually getting down to business, that's when Erick Rowan usually comes undone - often overshadowed by the more destructive Bray Wyatt, the better wrestler Luke Harper and the more gigantic Braun Strowman, Erick Rowan is usually the first to fall when a fight ensues. Lack of intelligence and planning usually leads to his downfall, as we see him regularly charge frantically at opponents, only for them to duck out of the way and send him flying over the ropes and crashing to the floor below. One thing that Erick Rowan has made clear to fans at this point is that the reason behind his sheep imagery isn't any deep symbolism, it's because he fights like one.
12 Nick Nemeth
AKA Kerwin White's caddy. Boy, was this guy incompetent - introduced by Chavo Guerrero during his brief and much decried stint as Kerwin White, the caddy Nick Nameth made barely any impression on the WWE Universe with only one match under his belt, which took place on a 2005 episode of Sunday Night Heat.
All we really know about this man is that he's incompetent as a caddy, due to his tendency to wander away from work and appear on wrestling shows, miles from any golf club, and that his abilities in the ring obviously didn't impress anyone enough to keep him around. Chavo Guerrero quickly gave up the Kerwin White gimmick shortly after Nemeth's debut (probably so that he could get away from the ultra clingy golfing sidekick that wouldn't stop following him to work) and went on to have a successful career honouring his Latino heritage. On the other hand, Nemeth left his caddying career and became The Showoff, Dolph Ziggler. It was an uphill climb for him after this terrible idea.
11 The Edgeheads
If there's one thing that springs to mind when I think of The Edgeheads, it's the vision of them being chokeslammed, ragdolled or otherwise hurled around the WWE Ringside area by The Undertaker - and this is a fitting summary of their career as a team.
The superfan duo of Curt Hawkins and Zack Ryder debuted under the 'Edgeheads' name at Armageddon 2007, revealing a new look Edge look-alike gimmick which would allow them to briefly confuse The Rated 'R' Superstar's opponents and give him the golden opportunity to capitalise. After the initial success of this tactic, rivals quickly caught on to the trick, leaving Ryder and Hawkins as a brief, ineffective distraction that were often dispatched with very little effort.
In the end, Edge's attempts to surround himself with a powerful faction that would ensure dominance over the SmackDown roster landed him with two bungling groupies who fizzled out as a team almost as soon as their association with the multiple time World Champion came to an end.
The Ministry of Darkness was perhaps one of the most terrifying and intimidating stables of all time: The group included the demonic legend The Undertaker as the leader, legendary tag team The Acolytes (later A.P.A), the behemoth man-mountain Viscera.... and then there was Mideon.
After abandoning his previous 'pig farmer' gimmick as Phineas I. Godwinn, this Superstar fell into the clutches of evil and was reborn as Mideon after being subjected to a disturbing conversion ceremony. Easily the least intimidating member of 'Taker's ghoulish gathering, Mideon did little to stand out and was usually the most easily defeated combatant.
Following The Ministry's dissolution, Mideon went on to further embarrass The Ministry by adopting his infamous 'Naked Mideon' gimmick which saw him running through other wrestlers' matches while leaving very little to the imagination. In fairness, this gimmick was intended as a way to emulate The Ministry's leader, after Mideon misinterpreted talk of The Deadman's legendary 'streak' (zing).
9 David Otunga
When The Nexus stormed the WWE in June 2010, they brought with them an air of hope and change. After years of the WWE displaying difficulty in creating new main event stars, Nexus meant that there was suddenly a group of young, hungry stars thrust into the main event spotlight with potential for great futures.
Many Nexus members went on to have major success following the group's split, but one particular member of Wade Barrett's revolutionary collective always seemed completely out of his depth - David Otunga. Otunga was most noted for being a Harvard educated lawyer and for being married to Jennifer Hudson, but one thing that he was rarely described as was an effective wrestler. Displaying little personality or ability to connect with the crowd, Otunga's presence in The Nexus was counter-productive to their goals of positive change and opportunities for newcomers. Both as part of The Nexus and as a singles competitor, he has proven to be of little threat and has now settled for a position as a commentator on WWE SmackDown Live, where he isn't exactly thriving.
Not only is Moppy the eighth most incompetent sidekick in WWE history, she is probably among the five most wooden performers on this list. This entrant became a worldwide icon on WWE television when Perry Saturn, having received multiple blows to the head and a serious concussion, became infatuated with a nearby mop that he lovingly named 'Moppy'. Saturn quickly adopted Moppy as his trusted advisor, confidante and in-ring partner. Now, while you might reasonably expect Moppy to clean house, she actually proved surprisingly ineffective in the ring and was broken in half by Test in her debut match. Left with a sidekick that was useless in a fight, and as a mop, Perry Saturn did the only sane thing and began a romantic relationship with his janitorial soulmate.
Rumour has it that the relationship didn't last as Moppy eventually ran away to start a new life with a handsome young Kendo stick, leaving Saturn heartbroken and unable to trust cleaning utensils ever again.
7 The Corporate Stooges
As the WWE's Attitude Era developed, so did the roles of Pat Patterson and Gerald Brisco. At the dawn of the legendary McMahon-Austin feud, Brisco and Patterson were occasionally seen with Mr. McMahon as his loyal advisers, but when McMahon and Steve Austin progressed from mutual irritants to bitter arch-rivals, Brisco and Patterson became the sniveling, sycophantic stooges that we all grew to love.
While their boss became more enraged and engulfed by his hatred for the rattlesnake, they played the part of his unquestioning 'yes men' who would not only follow commands, but do so with smiles on their faces - smiles which were quickly wiped away when they crossed paths with 'Stone Cold' and swiftly received their 83rd Stunners of the week. As time went on, The Corporate Stooges' role became more comedic each week to the point where they eventually became embroiled in a feud over the Hardcore Championship which saw Patterson dressed in drag to hide from Briscoe. The feud culminated in a Hardcore Evening Gown Match at King of the Ring 2000 - a match that still haunts many of us to this day.
6 Alex Riley
Placed in the second season of NXT with a winning 'guy who owns a varsity jacket' gimmick, Riley somehow managed to lose the competition, but was lucky enough to be scooped up by his mentor The Miz, who, after signing Riley to a 'personal services contract', took on the young upstart as his protege.
Riley somehow failed to reach even the lowest of expectations in this capacity, as time and time again we saw Riley replace The Miz in matches against the likes of Daniel Bryan and John Cena, which Riley would easily lose. Riley's other contributions to The Miz's top level run involve costing him matches with ill-conceived attempts to interfere and being put through a table by then sixty-year-old Jerry 'The King' Lawler. To top it all off, Alex Riley eventually turned on his mentor, even defeating The Miz in a singles match at 2011's Capitol Punishment.
This turned out to be the high point of Alex Riley's singles career, as a string of losses shortly thereafter meant plunging into obscurity and eventually a seat at the commentary booth which was also short lived.
Obviously a huge inspiration for Alex Riley, Virgil was the premiere inept bodyguard of the early 90s. Introduced as the man-servant and muscle for 'The Million Dollar Man' Ted DiBiase, Virgil spent the majority of his time holding DiBiase's money like a game show model, while the maniacal millionaire lauded his wealth over less fortunate members of the public.
Lacking in the ability to actually subdue or even weaken his employer's foes, Virgil excelled at taking a beating, allowing DiBiase to occasionally escape harm. Virgil's final act of gross incompetence was turning on his employer and eventually defeating the Million Dollar Man for his cherished, personalised Million Dollar Championship - a move which led DiBiase to greatly question his hiring policies.
Virgil would go on to continue to disappoint as the nWo's Head of Security (under the name 'Vincent'), acting as a manager and punching bag, but very rarely acting as anything resembling 'security'.
Remember this guy? No? I don't blame you - as bodyguard for Carlito Carribean Cool, Jesus left hardly any impression on WWE fans, backstage personnel and probably even his close family watching from ringside. Introduced in 2004, Jesus was the deplorable thug recruited by Carlito to stab John Cena in a nightclub, taking John Cena out of action (when in reality, he needed the time away to film The Marine).
After working as Carlito's henchman for several months, Jesus was eventually faced with a livid returning John Cena on a relentless quest for revenge. Cena immediately reclaimed his belt from Carlito, with the bodyguard proving himself to be worthless in that match. Unfortunately for Jesus, he attained his wrestling licence right around the time of Cena's return and faced the future Cenation leader in a singles match at Armageddon 2004. What followed was one of the most devastating and one-sided beatings in pay-per-view history as Cena dismantled Jesus, drubbing him all throughout the arena. This was the last we'd see of Jesus in either WWE, or our conscious thoughts.
3 J & J Security
Both Jamie Noble and Joey Mercury enjoyed success on the independent circuit and with the WWE, but perhaps their most prominent role came as a team in 2014 when their alliance with The Authority led to them becoming the bumbling, oafish security force for Seth Rollins.
The diminutive duo had all the self-confidence in the world, optimistically referring to themselves as "The Shield 2.0," but failed to back up the bravado by actually providing any security to the champion. Week after week we saw Noble and Mercury enthusiastically charge in to the ring and attempt to beat up Rollins' foes before they were promptly swept aside by pretty much anyone - John Cena, Brock Lesnar, Roman Reigns, a stiff breeze. What makes J & J Security worse than so many other entrants on this list is that they weren't advisers, up-and-comers or proteges, they had one task in life - provide security.
At Money in the Bank 2013, Paul Heyman shattered his friendship with CM Punk by costing The Second City Saint his opportunity at the treasured Money in the Bank briefcase, igniting a summer long rivalry that saw Punk fiercely dog his former cohort in a pursuit for bloody vengeance.
By Night of Champions two months later, Heyman found himself with little protection, having only the constantly disappointing Curtis Axel in his corner, so he opted to bring in Ryback. This proved to be a costly error when 'The Big Guy' lost to Punk at the next two PPVs, with the second loss finally leaving Punk face to face with Paul Heyman on top of the isolating Hell in a Cell structure. Punk seized this opportunity to its fullest, beating Heyman senseless with a Kendo Stick and leaving Heyman's muscular henchman looking like an incompetent buffoon.
Not only did Ryback fail spectacularly at his given task, but he also managed to tarnish the sparkling reputation of all 'Paul Heyman Guys'.
1 The Mean Street Posse
These three sweater-vest clad nincompoops have got to be the granddaddies of incompetent sidekicks. At the turn of the millennium, the trio of Rodney, Pete Gas and Joey Abs could be seen trailing at the heels of their leader Shane McMahon on a weekly basis.
As a collective of entitled, spoiled trust fund kids, they unsurprisingly were totally inconsequential inside a wrestling ring - often just used as fodder against Shane O Mac's opposition. To make matters worse, Joey Abs was the only wrestler in the bunch who could be trusted in a match, whereas Rodney and Pete Gas were just childhood friends of Shane McMahon in real life.
Like so many others, the inept cronies split away from Shane in late 2000 and then managed to bungle their attempts at standing on their own - being sporadically used on WWE television, demoted to a developmental territory and eventually released from the company, all within a year of abandoning Shane.
The Posse are said to have returned to the mean streets of Greenwich, Connecticut, and are now engaged in gang rivalry with a nearby family of ducks - and we don't like the Posse's chances.