So there's John Cena. Some people like him a lot, as evidenced by how many times he's been world champion, how many T-shirts he's sold, and how many Make a Wish kids have asked to meet him (cue non-sarcastic: "awww"). Other people think he sucks because he's predictable, epitomizes the WWE establishment, and was way more annoyingly untouchable five years ago. As for us here at TheSportster, we boo the ever-living bejesus out of him, but plan to declare him one of the greatest ever after he retires. Then we'll retroactively pretend we were totally on his bandwagon all along.
"Cena was great!" future us will say. "Those arrogant smart marks on the internet just pretended to hate him for arbitrary reasons so as to appear contrarian. But we always knew the truth...." For now, however we stand by our fake belief that he sucks terribly and is the absolute worst.
Although he is the only wrestler (person?) in history to convince a stadium full of people to loudly denounce and cheer him on simultaneously, he's partaken in his fair share of blunders over the last 15 years, or thereabouts. Most were technically mandated by WWE higher-ups, but eh, he's a big enough star to say "no" to Vince McMahon if he really wants to, so it's not like he's blameless when he looks stupid.
To kill some time, we've compiled some of the stupidest things and events John Cena has been involved with since his WWE career began. Luckily for him, he didn't debut during the cartoony early '90s or the "edgier" but equally goofy Vince Russo period, so there's nothing on here along the lines of a simulated oral sex act involving The Gobbledy Gooker. That said, making out with a turkey costume sounds a lot less embarrassing than getting pinned by Kevin Federline.
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15 The Spinner Belt
It seems unnecessary to explain why the old spinner belt was stupid. Its whole charm and appeal was based on stupidity - its stupidity was kind of the point. In fact, I kind of miss it.
During the faux-rapper phase of Cena’s character, it worked like gangbusters as the exact kind of gaudy accessory Riff Raff would arrange for himself, in an alternate dimension where he became a pro wrestler instead of uh...well….Riff Raff. Today’s Cena probably needs more conventional titles to go with his more conventional personality, but nonetheless, here we salute, not admonish, the spinner belt for its utter stupidity.
14 The Springboard Stunner
On paper, adding some midair momentum and an extra bounce to the modified neck breaker made famous by Steve Austin looks like a good idea. In practice, John Cena’s patented springboard stunner looks a little like a mistake, even during the maybe 60 percent of the time he lands it the way he’s supposed to. It’s gotten harder to accuse Cena of being a five-move wonder over the last few years - his diving leg drop is particularly innovative - but the springboard stunner stretches the fabric of practicality and plausibility a bit too far. If someone, especially someone Cena’s size, launched himself back-first into you, wouldn’t you both just awkwardly stumble backward? How could you fall forward?
13 Putting Out An Album
Okay, so the general consensus on 2005’s You Can’t See Me is that it could’ve been worse. But let’s ask ourselves - when has a celebrity not already known for his or her rapping abilities successfully crossed over into hip hop? It never happens. Plenty have tried and failed, though! Dee Dee Ramone, Randy Savage, Shaq, Rodney Dangerfield, and even The Situation from the Jersey Shore have released poorly-received rap tracks and probably wish they hadn’t. You Can’t See Me didn’t launch a music career for Cena, but at least it didn’t damage his wrestling career.
12 Getting Married
The Cenation Leader thought marrying his high school sweetheart seemed like a good idea in 2009, but today, even he may agree that this was a hasty decision. Various gossipers claim Cena had his business all over the the proverbial town, but apparently a staggeringly expensive house remodel ultimately sealed the fate of his union with Elizabeth Huberdeau. According to TMZ, a prenup probably shielded Cena from losing as much money as he did, but it’s not as if he could’ve possibly gotten out with his assets completely intact.
11 Not Murdering Kenny Dykstra When He Had The Chance
Of course, most of what we think we know about where John Cena "has been" comes courtesy of ex-Spirit Squadee Kenny Dykstra, who famously tweeted numerous details of Cena’s alleged affair with Mickie James - Dykstra’s fiance at the time of her alleged contact with The Doctor of Thuganomics. This publicly-aired dalliance probably didn’t help Cena out much in his divorce proceedings. It seems plausible that he could’ve saved himself some money in the long run by arranging for Dykstra’s demise back when “Kenny” was under WWE's employ. Do you think Vince McMahon would’ve told the police if he knew Cena sprinkled some arsenic in Dykstra’s breakfast cereal one morning? Of course not. Vince would’ve snapped Dykstra’s neck like a twig himself, if it was to protect Cena’s reputation. But it’s too late now!
10 Dating Nikki Bella
Not everyone’s going to agree with me on this one - but I figure if you’re a millionaire athlete who looks like he’s sculpted out of fiberglass and you can more-or-less have any woman you want, why would you pick Nikki Bella? It’s like the captain of the football team dating the head cheerleader, or Kanye West dating Kim Kardashian. It’s too obvious. It’s as if the drooling public who know neither of them personally would expect Bella and Cena to date, so hence, they date. Based on what we’ve seen of them on television, John Cena should date Amy Schumer instead. She’s much funnier than Nikki Bella.
9 Kevin Federline
For a short time, Kevin Federline epitomized the American Dream - a version of the American Dream, anyway. Federline demonstrated that a person doesn’t have to be talented, particularly hard working, smart, overtly attractive, or even remotely good natured to lock down and ultimately destroy an avatar of society’s ideal of womanhood. Plus, he got a whole bunch of Britney Spears’ money. While K-Fed did do a notable job as a de-facto alpha heel during a very brief WWE, in hindsight, maybe booking him to pin Cena was a wee bit of an overkill.
8 Learning to Speak Punjabi
As demonstrated during a conversation with The Great Khali, John Cena may know at least a few sentences worth of Punjabi. In theory,this knowledge could come in handy, should he ever find himself in India. But if you’ve got the kind of cash Cena has amassed during his career, even if you were trapped in India, couldn't you just hire a translator to follow you around and explain what everyone was saying? The whole point of being rich, after all, is to hire other people to solve problems for you. Taking the time to learn a new language is stupid when you’ve got tons of money, and furthermore, every second John Cena isn’t buying things is ultimately bad for capitalism.
7 Not Telling Everyone He Loves Steroids
For seemingly his entire career, John Cena has denied ever using steroids, while pretty much everyone just assumes that he’s lying and loves to take steroids every day, whenever he gets the chance, because steroids are delicious. During his brief tenure on CNN - a rival sports entertainment program - he was booked to publicly confess his undying adoration for steroids. So why not just own it? He could make sticking a needle into his buttocks part of his ring entrance, like Triple H’s water bottle or Bray Wyatt’s lantern. Would it be in bad taste? Absolutely! But still not as icky as at least one thing he did on purpose…...
6 Associating with Jared Fogle
Okay, so WWE brought in convicted child molester Jared Fogle in as a celebrity guest multiple times and worked out several cross promotional spots involving Fogle, long before all the nasty stuff about him came to light. Can WWE possibly vet every famous person they trot out on their programs? Maybe not. But Cena’s a supernaturally intuitive guy, whose psychic powers have helped him win innumerable big matches. He must have suspected something was amiss with Fogle and suppressed the urge to beat Fogle mercilessly into a bloody, screaming pulp, only because he was worried about upsetting Subway. Surely, next time Cena gets a random hunch that someone might be as terrible as Fogle, he won’t think twice about breaking their arms and legs on the spot.
5 Encouraging Reading On Hannah Montana
We’re not saying learning how to read is a bad thing. It’s only because I almost know how to read that I’ve been able to compose the list that’s entertaining you so thoroughly right as this very second. But if nothing else can be said about professional wrestling, at the end of the day, it’s impossible to read it. Wrestling, or “sports entertainment” if you prefer, must be watched and never read. So to have a star on the level of John Cena go on a wildly popular program - like Hannah Montana was at the time - and aggressively advocate for reading, well, there’s no way that was helpful for Monday Night Raw’s ratings.
4 Not Turning Heel
By this point, the debate regarding a Cena heel turn has been beaten to death, buried, dug up, brought back as a vampire, and turned into dust via exposure to sunlight. But still! Now could be an ideal time for us to finally experience Darth Cena.
Ratings are down! Roman Reigns needs a monster heel to work with other than Bray Wyatt, who he’s already had a match with once a week for the last two years. Seth Rollins is out for pretty much the rest of the year and will only grow more popular and therefore face-like during his absence. The time is now - as the song goes - for John Cena to embrace the darkness within, drop some cute little Make a Wish kids on their heads, and spit in the face of the fans who have disrespected him for so long.
3 Changing the name of the FU
We don’t imagine Cena’s in the habit of saying “no” to Linda McMahon, but despite her senate campaign's need to make WWE family friendly, couldn’t he have fought harder to hang onto his finishing move's title at the onset of the PG-era? “Attitude Adjustment” sounds really cliche - like a finishing move a 12-year-old would come up with for his RPG wrestling character. Couldn’t they have just told everyone the “FU” stood for “Fudge University” or “Frankly, Unresolved” or “Fantastic Upholstery” or “Finishing Up?” Any of those sound more intimidating than “Attitude Adjustment.”
2 Associating With Scooby Doo
Part of John Cena's appeal to WWE executives and little kids is he's usually the most wholesome guy in the room - he says his prayers, eats his vitamins, trains hard, and has never uttered a disparaging word against another ethnicity. So it doesn't look good when he's gallivanting about with known drug fiends like Scooby Doo, Shaggy, and the other frequent occupants of the Mystery Machine. This clip is in Spanish, which I unfortunately don't speak, but I assume everyone's talking about wanting to do more drugs? Of course they are.
1 Not Giving Up Wrestling To Spend the Rest of His Life Making Crank Calls
Having heard it at least once a week for approximately 10 years, wrestling fans have forgotten how annoying John Cena’s entrance song is. In fact, it’s wildly annoying, as is any other kind of music that involves trumpets.
The now legendary stunt perpetrated by the Z Morning Zoo shows that Cena’s song is so annoying, it wields the power to drive an average person utterly insane, fear for their safety, and contemplate committing felony assault to make the trumpets stop. If we were in Cena’s shoes, knowing this, we’d just sit around the house dialing random numbers and bringing whoever answered to the brink of madness with the ever-familiar “Dee Dee Dee Dooooooo….Dee Doo Doo Doooooooooo!....Doo Doo Doo DOOOOOOOO.....DOO DOO DOO DOOOOOOOOO!!!"
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