Over the years, some of the more observant dwellers of internet forums have propagated  theories surrounding the Illuminati – a shadowy cabal of elites seeking to overthrow life as humanity knows it, in favor of a new world order of secular shenanigans.

The Illuminati – the theorists say – control all forms of mass media and wield them to subliminally program the masses to accept their forthcoming ascension to power. The Illuminati also supposedly control the government of every nation with a government worth controlling, orchestrated the 9-11 attacks, faked the moon landing, assassinated J.F.K., and to distract the global population from their sinister machinations, faked the deaths of JonBenet Ramsey and Kurt Cobain, and invented the myths of global warming and the benefits of circumcision.

In some respects, Illuminati conspiracy theorists are correct. They do control all forms of mass media – especially professional wrestling, and the dissemination of loosely-wrestling news-related information. That’s right. We admit it. We here are TheSportster are proud agents of the Illuminati, helping to pave the way for a new Satanic society in which our lizardmen overlords shall quash any and all opposition.

The chickens are coming home to roost, ya’ll.

But in other (real) respects, the conspiracy theorists are off the mark. They’re not taking into account that the Illuminati also control YouTube – meaning no videos or messages appear on the ostensibly democratic streaming network without the masters’ say-so. That means, for obvious reasons, most of the Illuminati conspiracy theories on YouTube and elsewhere on the ‘net are incorrect. The real truth about the Illuminati’s plan for global domination would cause uninitiated, unprepared receivers to lose all ability to process the ramifications of the truth upon their insignificant existences, as well as control of their bowels, which would explode immediately, causing poop to go all over the place.

But we thought it would be fun to round up some of the more amusing wrestling-oriented Illuminati conspiracy theories on YouTube, just for the hell of it. Here they are, in all their really, really, stupid, and pretty much crazy glory.

12. WrestleMania 31 Was A Mass-Scale Occult Ritual 

A YouTube user going by “Truthneversleeps” says he believes triangles and squiggly lines – such as those present in the “WWE” logo – denote Luciferian affiliations. Seeing as how squiggly lines and triangles appear in most aspects of life, by his purported criteria, basically everything that exists or has happened, ever, was secretly a Satanic ritual. The possibly that Truthneversleeps is, in fact, a secret double agent the Illuminati brought forth to make their real enemies look like buffoons is outstanding. If he is, in fact, working independently – setting aside his overly simplistic understanding of various religious iconography, we’re impressed by his dedication to cherry picking. This video goes on for 30 minutes, which is a heck of a long time to spend working backwards from a nonsensical conclusion. 

11. Bray Wyatt Is An Agent of The Illuminati 

Here, we go from aimless grasping at straws to a YouTuber pointing out the obvious. Has Bray Wyatt been sent by the Lizardmen to dethrone god and destroy capitalism? No duh! Has he ever! And that’s just the start! Wyatt doesn’t speak in symbolism or metaphor, so much as directly explain in detail what he plans to do. Before long, everyone from The Pope to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi to David Miscavige shall crumble into a fetal position, weeping pitifully at the feet of The Eater of Worlds, as we his Illuminati brothers and sisters eat aborted fetus sandwiches during our group gay wedding, plus Satan will be there too.

10. Daniel Bryan Represents The Goat God Baphomet 

This theory persists that Daniel Bryan’s beard, and subsequent resemblance to a goat, is intended to evoke the image of Baphomet – a pagan deity said to be favored by the Knights of Templar and numerous heavy metal bands. This seems like an unfair conclusion to jump to. Regardless of whether Bryan is in league with Illuminati Satanists (which he is, obvi), what does this mean for regular, actual goats? Most goats want nothing more than to hang out in fields, eat garbage, greet passersby with a friendly “Baaaah,” and remain indifferent and oblivious to the Illuminati’s inevitable takeover. You can talk trash about us all you want, especially if it’s on the internet where no one cares, but but there’s no need to get mad at innocent goats.

9. Vince McMahon Murdered The Ultimate Warrior With Natural Causes 

It’s a well-known fact that whenever a famous person dies, it’s because we at the Illuminati decided it was time for them to go. Otherwise, famous entertainers live forever. How else is it possible that Dick Clark and Betty White are still alive?

This specific YouTube user purports that Vince McMahon arranged to kill The Ultimate Warrior with a ritual blood sacrifice in order to sell DVDs and T-shirts, which is almost a sound theory, considering Vince McMahon literally doesn’t do anything unless he thinks it will help sell T-shirts and DVDs. TBH – We were planning on sending Randy Quaid to assassinate the Warrior, but Quaid chickened out at the last minute, and made up some silliness about Hillary Clinton to cover his own cowardice before he fled to Canada. We were almost done putting together a plan-B assassination that involved Warrior having a staged affair with Jodie Sweetin, but the heart attack beat us to the punch.

8. The Ascension are Illuminati Members 

The same sack of potatoes who made the aforementioned Ultimate Warrior video claims The Ascension are involved with the Illuminati. Nah, uh. They wish they were. Konnor and Victor may emblazon a spooky-looking eye on their ring gear and Titantron video, but that doesn’t make them badass enough to join in on the Illuminati’s occult hijinx. That said, we don’t want to discourage either of them from continuing to campaign for membership. Especially if they keep hanging out with Stardust, himself a high-ranking priest of Satan, we’re sure they’ll make the cut one of these days.

7. Dusty Rhodes Was Also An Illuminati Sacrifice, Because of A Rude 911 Dispatcher 

This video more-or-less it admits outright that it’s light on any real evidence, which makes it incrementally more self-aware than the rest of this bunch. But the speaker lightly implies that the frustrated 911 dispatcher Dusty Rhodes’ wife spoke to on the occasion of his passing may have sounded dismissive, not because of the empathy fatigue 911 dispatchers routinely run into, but because he was prepared to not care by the Illuminated Ones, who ordered for Dusty’s demise. The video’s author also mentions something about Caitlyn Jenner connecting to the death of the metaphorical American Dream, underlying his wildly misguided delusions with a hefty helping of transphobia. 

6. John Cena’s 666 Signal 

The Leader of the Cenation frequently raises three fingers and makes a little loop with his thumb and forefinger. No one in the Illuminati has any idea what he’s trying to communicate with that. It might be “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect,” and it might be “666,” in a sad attempt to get back into the good graces of the Illuminati after we kicked him out for being a lameass back in 2008. This Illuminati conspiracy theory video may be meant as a parody, although coincidentally, it is 100 percent correct about the arcane meaning behind “Post Foods,” as well as the ramifications of Fruity Pebbles. 

5. Hulk Hogan Is The Literal Antichrist 

This video also may well be intended as satire, but to be honest, it’s kind of hard to differentiate between genuine Illuminati conspiracy theories and mockeries, so we’re including it anyway just to cover our bases. Illuminati affiliates though we may be, we honestly don’t know if Hulk Hogan is the Antichrist. We’re not (yet) high enough on the chain of command to know stuff like that. But it would be pretty cool if he was! In case he’s not, we want to emphasize that we’ll wholeheartedly support the Antichrist no matter what form he or she takes upon his/her rise to prominence and the annihilation of all that is holy. But we’ll be totally psyched if the Antichrist turns out to be Hulk Hogan.

4. The MegaPowers Warned Everyone About 9-11 

As noted earlier, Illuminati overlords masterminded and carried out the 9-11 attacks. When affiliates Hulk Hogan and “Macho Man” Randy Savage learned on the plan in 1989, they got a little weak in the knees and offered the drooling masses a half-hearted subliminal warning to keep a distance from the World Trade Center towers. In the video, Mean Gene announces that the “Triangle of Love,” meaning both the Eye of Providence and the organization to which Mach’ and the Hulkster are members, intends to demolish The Twin Towers. The Big Boss Man represents the police state authority of American capitalism, and, uh…Well, we’re not sure how One Man Gang/Akeem fits into this. Maybe it’s because he’s big, just like a tower? Anyway, we arranged for The Ultimate Warrior to beat Hogan for the World Title a year later, as punishment for leaking our secret plans so far in advance.

3. Satanic Kevin Sullivan Murdered The Benoit Family 

As far as we know, the theories surrounding Kevin Sullivan’s supposed involvement are equally bunk. We honestly don’t know how anyone thinks a then 57-year-old, out of shape Sullivan could’ve possibly overpowered and murdered The Tainted One, almost 20 years Sullivan’s junior and built like a racehorse. The fact that the a major proponent of the Sullivan scenario is evidently a former KKK member certainly doesn’t give it any extra weight.

2. The Rock Is A Clone 

This video offers up the idea that Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was replaced by a clone at some point. That, or The Rock’s appearance changes in accordance with how much he’s working out, how often he shaves, and whether he’s gotten any new tattoos recently. The Illuminati officially denies swapping The Rock out for a double of any kind, although we absolutely own up to replacing Britney Spears after her head-shaving meltdown incident, Robert Downy Jr. when his drug problem got so bad that he wasn’t even fun to party with anymore, as well as Dustin Diamond, frankly because we were bored and thought replacing him would be funny.

1. The nWo Was Literal 

As established, Hulk Hogan is a relatively high-ranking member of the Satanic cult that controls everything, and as lower-ranking members of the same cult, we’re totally stoked if he turns out to be the Antichrist. We couldn’t ask for a better boss. It is also well known that part of his initiation consisted of reenacting our takeover of the real world on national television – hence the nWo’s now mythic conquering of WCW.

Little known fact: The highest ranking Illuminati member who was employed by WCW during the ‘90s was actually Judy Bagwell, not Hogan or Eric Bishcoff, as some have presumed. The elder Bagwell’s participation in pro wrestling was mostly a lark – something to let off steam in her spare time. Her true work with the Illuminati was fairly stressful and we assure you, far more terrifying.

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