There’s a saying in professional wrestling that the greatest characters are simply the performers’ personalities turned up to 11. “The Rattlesnake” Stone Cold Steve Austin is the man Steve Austin unhinged from restraints that society forces him to adhere to. The character of The Rock appears to be a manifestation of the id part of Dwayne Johnson’s psyche taking over his mind.

The theory makes total sense. As plenty of movies featuring wrestlers have pointed out, acting is not exactly the same as being a professional wrestling character. Pro wrestling usually requires the performer’s character to come from some part of their personality. That’s why the character of Vince McMahon is so amazing. McMahon seems to naturally fit into the role of a crazy, ego-maniacal boss who gets off on destroying the lives of those less fortunate than him.

The difference between McMahon and other performers though is that while most performers have to augment their personalities for television, Mr. McMahon in some ways is a toned down version of the actual Vince McMahon. If the real-life Vince McMahon was shown on television, there’s good chance that WWE would have to be moved to HBO. There’s no chance in hell (see what I did there) that the USA Network or any other cable channel could carry the antics of the craziest SOB on the planet.

I present here 10 stories that capture the insanity and calamity of emotions which is the Vince McMahon the person. I realize that there are countless stories out there which aren’t going to get mentioned on the list so if you know of a story which I didn’t mention, I may or may not know it but share it in the comments anyway.

10. He Wanted Kane To Have a Three Foot… Monster?

via youtube.com

via youtube.com

WWE Films have been the subject to much ridicule from fans and media alike. The majority of their films are either bland action movies or just horrendous comedies featuring Big Show in a diaper. Their fourth effort See No Evil starring Glenn Jacobs, otherwise known as Kane, had potential to be an R-rated release due to a creative idea of one Vince McMahon.

In an interview with former WWE writer Dan Madigan, he revealed that McMahon proposed an idea for Kane’s character, Jacob Goodnight in the film to director Gregory Dark which involved Goodnight pulling out his three foot long penis… yeah. Obviously this idea didn’t come to fruition, and we should all take a moment of our time to thank God that we didn’t see Glenn Jacobs’s Big Red Monster.

9. He Drunkenly Fought Kofi Kingston

via reddit.com / wrestlingmedia.org

via reddit.com / wrestlingmedia.org

There’s no question that Kofi Kingston is a hell of a performer. The athleticism he displays each and every night is a sight to behold and he is one of the greatest high fliers in WWE history. Vince McMahon though, seemingly doesn’t think much of Kingston’s abilities. In order to earn to his respect, Kofi had to show some back bone and he did.

In Chris Jericho’s latest book The Best In The World: At What I Have No Idea, Y2J tells a story where after a few drinks on a flight with Kingston and Jericho himself, McMahon told Kofi “Maybe you’ll get over one of these days.” Kofi was going to let it slide, but Jericho told him to challenge Vince to earn his respect. After some back and forth tough guy talk, Vince shot in on Kofi with a double leg takedown and after some scuffling in the aisle of the airplane, McMahon had a good laugh and left the plane. Crazy as this sounds, this isn’t the only time where he fought one of his employees.

8. He Has an Obsessive Love For Hugs

via listedium.com

via listedium.com

Fans have this impression that McMahon is a cruel, cold-hearted SOB who shows absolutely no compassion for anybody else, but nay I say! His current and former employees have plenty of stories which go in detail about how generous and nice McMahon can be. Damnit, he just wants to give everybody a huggy!

According to Paul Heyman on Talk is Jericho, Heyman’s return to the WWE in 2012 was welcomed with open arms from the chairman. Heyman was unsure of how McMahon would react as they ended their relationship on bad terms back in 2006. All his fears evaporated as McMahon screamed out to him “Give me a huggy!” and proceeded to give Heyman a bear hug which Bruno Sammartino would find stiff.

This story is one in a long line of other stories in which wrestlers told tales of McMahon’s fondness for huggies. What a sweetheart.

7. He Has an Obsessive Hatred For Sneezing

via givemesport.com

via givemesport.com

As chairman of the most prestigious professional wrestling company on the planet, Vince McMahon is used to being in control over every aspect of his own company. His domain of influence can extend over even his company and into his own body.

On that same podcast that was mentioned earlier, Paul Heyman told a story where he was pitching a storyline to McMahon, who was buying into Heyman’s vision until a catastrophic, monumental disaster happened which would change the fabric of reality forever. McMahon sneezed.

Once he discharged his snot, McMahon was muttering to himself until Heyman asked him what was wrong to which McMahon responded, “I sneezed… I should be better than that, I should be able to control that.” Heyman innocently asked Vince if he hated sneezing and McMahon said “In my world pal, there is no sneezing.” I’ll just end it there.

6. He Sharted Himself

One could only imagine the insane things that Vince McMahon would do if he were ever in a seniors home. I shudder to envision him playing mean pranks on the fellow male residents, groping all of the 70-year-old women and pitting two men in wheelchairs against each other in a Last Man Standing match. Surely one of those pranks would involve fecal matter.

In an appearance on the Opieradio show, Jim Ross told a story of McMahon trying to get WWE Hall of Famer and esteemed “stooge” Gerald Brisco, who has a notoriously weak stomach, to puke. A seated Brisco was the victim of a scud missile from McMahon. Brisco did begin to dry heave but at a terrible cost as McMahon had let out a little bit of liquid from his rear as well. On top of that, he had to go to the ring right then and there to deliver a promo. So yes, Vince McMahon stood in front of thousands of fans with brown striped pants. There are also rumors that once he got to the back he chased Brisco with his defiled pants on a stick. Somebody get a camera on McMahon 24/7 right now!

5. He Blew Out Both Quads… and Stayed in Character

Mick Foley, Terry Funk, Sabu… Vince McMahon? Yes, when speaking of the toughest performers in wrestling history you must include Vince McMahon. Despite never being formally trained, Vince McMahon has taken some of most hellacious beatings in WWE history at the hands of Stone Cold, The Undertaker and even his own son Shane McMahon. His most impressive test of physical fortitude did not even come from a match.

The initial ending of the 2005 Royal Rumble had John Cena and Batista being sent over the top rope at the same time which caused confusion over who was the winner. An enraged McMahon came storming out of the back to fix things but in doing so, tore both his quadriceps muscles. That would cause nearly everybody to weep like babies but McMahon stayed in character while he told referees to restart the match. McMahon, with no working quadriceps muscles mind you, walked to the backstage before finally collapsing. After a surgery to repair the damage, he returned to his chairman duties. McMahon doesn’t even let torn muscles stop him damnit!

4. He Took Down Kurt Angle!

via wrestlingnews.com

via wrestlingnews.com

Psych! Well kind of. Sort of. Let me explain.

In Kurt Angle’s autobiography It’s True! It’s True! Angle talks about a time where McMahon jumped him from behind backstage and took him down by surprise. Being the competitive guy he is, McMahon rubbed it in Angle’s face every time he could. After a while, Angle couldn’t take it anymore and decided that revenge was in order.

So on a plane ride the only Olympic gold medalist in WWE history got the chairman down in the aisle. During the ensuing scuffle, the one and only Undertaker awoke from his sleep and choked Angle out thinking it was a real fight. I suppose Angle won the “match” via disqualification, but it’s a great McMahon tale nonetheless.

3. He is a Vampire Killer

via cagesideseats.com

via cagesideseats.com

Most of this countdown revolved around how insane McMahon can be but by all accounts he seems to be a pretty good father. His son Shane is a successful businessman and his daughter Stephanie is the Chief Brand Officer (whatever that means) of the WWE. McMahon’s knack for storylines extended to the raising of his children as he spun elaborate bedtime stories, one of which scared young Shane who thought Dracula was in the closet. Luckily, the fearless Chairman marched into the closet to take down the lord of vampires.

McMahon explains in his February 2001 interview with Playboy magazine: “I went in that closet and started growling and yelling, having a battle. I threw a little furniture. Now Shane’s really scared to death, until finally his dad walks out of the closet. I said, “Son, you never have to worry about Dracula again. Dracula’s dead.” Van Helsing, Blade and Abraham Lincoln? All jabronis compared to the vampire killing monster that is Vincent Kennedy McMahon.

2. He Suffered A ‘Hart Attack’

via oldschooljabronies.com

via oldschooljabronies.com

The late 80s and early 90s were rife with partying and drug use, so imagine the insanity which ensued in the WWE locker room during that time period. A microcosm of this chaos is told by Bret Hart in his autobiography Hitman: My Real Life in the Cartoon World of Wrestling.

The story begins on December 3rd, 1991 in San Antonio at a strip club where many wrestlers hung out after shows. McMahon had announced recently that drug testing was going to begin in a few weeks so one last party was in order before people had to cut the drugs. A drunken Vince arrived at the bar and not long after Road Warrior Animal had him on his shoulders set for the Road Warriors’ finisher, the Doomsday Device. One incredibly weak clothesline later and Jim Neidhart, Bret’s former tag partner, proclaimed that the Hart Foundation would have had the balls to do their finisher full force. Without thinking, Hart agreed with him.

Now the fun starts. Neidhart proceeded to pick up McMahon in a bear hug and Bret, figuring that there was no turning back now, charged into his boss with a clothesline that bounced McMahon’s head off the floor. McMahon’s response to his Intercontinental champion? “You owe me a drink Hitman!” Classic.

1. He Proposed an Incestual Storyline with His Daughter

via wwe.com

via wwe.com

A large part of why Vince McMahon is the most successful promoter in pro wrestling history is his willingness to go places where nobody else would dare go. For as many times as this turned out well for him, it’s also blown up in his face an equal number of times (cough Katie Vick cough). If you thought simulated necrophilia would be the furthest that McMahon would go for a storyline, you obviously don’t know Vinnie Mac…

As explained by his own daughter on the WWE produced McMahon documentary, Vince McMahon had proposed a storyline in 2006 that would… oh god I can’t even write this… involve him being the father of Stephanie’s child. Yes, McMahon wanted incest on WWE television. When Stephanie swiftly shut down the idea, without missing a beat Vince suggested that her brother Shane be the father of her baby. Thankfully the grossest baby story in WWE history was aborted before it was given birth. I need to go shower now.

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