Quite recently, the world watched as self-anointed, fascist boss of the WWE Triple H pedigreed Roman Reigns - theoretically likable babyface who fights for justice - onto steel stairs. Although the attack messed up Reigns’ movie star good looks, the Detroit crowd chanted “Tri-Pel-Ache!” in triumphant jubilation. This is the exact opposite of what’s supposed to happen when an evil character like Trips sneaks up on and brutalizes a presumably sympathetic character like Reigns.
The audience is - very, very loudly - rejecting the narrative WWE is feeding them. This has been going on pretty much ever since the 2015 Royal Rumble, meaning we’ve seen almost 13 full months of WWE ordering the crowd to love Reigns and the crowd resenting Reigns as a result. Of course the WWE Universe loves being told what to think (even if they aren’t self-aware enough to realize that), but the writing staff has failed to master the art of subtle mass manipulation.
If WWE was a regular serialized TV show, the writers would realize it’s time for a long-overdue course correction.
Luckily, it’s not too late. It’s not as if Reigns is a dangerously unqualified ego maniac who got out way ahead in a presidential primary election by pandering to the lowest common denominator and his opposing candidates didn't take him seriously enough to play hardball until a week before Super Tuesday. There’s still more than a month to go before WrestleMania, which leaves plenty of time to re-book the main event.
Thus, we humbly suggest the WWE take a cue from numerous other successful ongoing television programs and fictional stories, cut their losses, and do away with Reigns before their program gets any worse.
We’re not suggesting anything bad should happen to Joe Anoa’i. He’s a talented performer who’s been doing the best he can in a highly unenviable situation, and could certainly be taken off TV and repackaged as the Masked Revenger or some such new character. But the Roman Reigns character must die.
Here are some ways that could happen!
Generally, death is pretty much off-limits in wrestling storylines, but desperate times call for Roman Reigns to explode in a limousine. Nobody remembers what led up to Vince’s solemn walk from the locker room to his limo just before it got explodey in 2007. That's because the storyline was cancelled in light of the real life tragedy of He Who Shall Not Be Named’s horrific rampage, which immediately overshadowed whatever stupidity was happening on WWE TV. But if an imaginary car bomb was enough to get rid of Vince McMahon, albeit briefly, it should do the trick for Roman Reigns as well.
Considering how the announcers describe Reigns’ signature flying punch, this one feels especially appropriate. Let’s say a merciless, compulsively violent, and unthinkably powerful space monster named Doomsday crashes on planet Earth. Doomsday makes its way toward Stamford, Connecticut, leaving total annihilation of all life in its wake. Only Roman Reigns is strong enough to potentially put an end to the creature’s rampage, but at what cost? After one final blow that renders Doomsday unalive and Reigns at death’s door, The Hound of Justice drifts off to eternal sleep in the arms of his beloved Lois Lane.
Ever since the crash of Oceanic Flight 815 kicked off the beginning of WWE, viewers have been wondering when and if the wrestlers are ever going to get rescued from the magic island. In this scenario, a mysterious underwater station code-named “The Looking Glass” blocks a radio signal sent by a nearby freighter thought to be sent by Dean Ambrose’s long lost love, Penelope Widmore, on a rescue mission. Ambrose and Reigns heroically risk their lives by swimming down to The Looking Glass to turn off its radio signal-disrupter, and succeed. However, just as Reigns receives a message from Widmore indicating that she’s never heard of any rescue mission, an explosion floods the communications room. Reigns heroically slams the door shut to rescue Ambrose from drowning with him, and in his final act, relays the message “Not Penny’s Boat” to his old friend, enabling Ambrose to warn his fellow WWE superstars.
Sure, Leland Palmer normally appears to be a respectable, goodhearted resident of Twin Peaks, Washington. But what happens if he he becomes possessed by an avatar of evil incarnate named Bob? Roman Reigns washes up on a beach wrapped in plastic, nude as a jaybird, and dead as a jaybird that's been repeatedly stabbed with a knife. Palmer, unaware of his own crime, mourns Reigns with uncontrollable sobbing, but after about a year-and-a-half red herrings, befuddling clues, and side mysteries involving underage prostitution and drug smuggling, we’d find out Palmer has been obliviously responsible for young Reigns’ demise all along.
Sure, parties at The House of Frey castle always start out as a grand old time. Everybody’s getting toasted or carried off for what we imagine as an awkward consummation of a marriage mandated by political circumstances. But when Roman Reigns finds himself at such a celebration, out of nowhere - the band plays Motorhead's Authority theme song, Reigns notices the guy sitting next to him is wearing chainmaille under his party outfit, and the next thing Reigns knows, he's full of arrows and all his friends and family are assassinated. Triple H has seven words for ya - “Long Live the King of the North!” And those are sarcastic words 'cause The King of the North is way dead.
Ambitious U.S. Senator Frank Underwood and Roman Reigns have cultivated a symbiotic relationship over the past few years, although Reigns grows suspicious that Underwood’s agenda may be far darker than he originally presumed. When Reigns agrees to a subway station meeting to confront the charismatic South Carolina politician - played superbly by Kevin Spacey - about his involvement in the questionable suicide of Pennsylvania Rep. Stardust, Underwood deftly shoves Reigns into the path of an incoming train. A tactical genius, Underwood arrived to the clandestine encounter knowing he might have to do away with Reigns, and positioned himself precisely out of the view of passengers or security cameras. As far as anyone can tell, Reigns’ demise is a total accident.
Ever since Roman Reigns’ son Adam Sackler decided the Dark Side was awesome and abandoned his training under Luke Skywalker, Roman Reigns has been totally worried about him. On a mission to the Starkiller base, Roman Reigns attempts to reason with his wayward offspring, only to wind up stabbed with a lightsaber and tossed down a giant Starkiller scaffold of some kind. It’s a lot like how Darth Vader kills Obi-Wan Kenobi in Star Wars: Episode 4!
Ask any hunting enthusiast in the United States, and they’ll agree, they all share the same dream: The slow, painful, pointless demise of Bambi’s Mom. The life of Bambi, a carefree baby deer, has thus far consisted only of frolicking in the woods and playing with his adorable woodland critter buddies. Inexplicably, hunters seek to shatter Bambi’s otherwise enjoyable existence, and justify their actions with thoroughly rebuked nonsense about preventing overpopulation. Thus, if Roman Reigns were to go for a walk in the forest, it is not at all inconceivable that an overzealous hunter could - especially at the great distances cowardly hunters usually place between themselves and their victims - get Roman Reigns mixed up with Bambi’s mother.
Whatever you call them, the infected dead wandering the planet try to devour just about every still-breathing lifeform with which they come into contact. Roman Reigns has avoided the fate of so many others who the flesh-famished hoards have made into a snack. Let’s face it - sooner or later, we’re probably all going to become dinner for the walkers, and join their aimlessly groaning and staggering ranks. Roman Reigns might as well get that over with sooner! Roman Reigns should get eaten by zombies.
Perhaps, after taking in the The Mask of Zorro for a family movie night, Roman Reigns strolls home with his wife, Becky Lynch, and son, Bruce Wayne. Out of the shadows, a nondescript, gun-wielding mugger orders Roman Reigns to hand over his wallet. Reigns, concerned for the safety of his family, agrees. But when the mugger - whose name is later revealed as Joe Chill - turns his gun on Becky Lynch, Roman advances on Chill, and is shot in the chest for his efforts. Panicking, Chill also fires at Becky Lynch, who succumbs almost immediately to the gunshot wounds. Chill flees the scene, as a traumatized Bruce Wayne kneels besides his murdered parents, contemplating destiny, and the nature of justice.
While Roman Reigns was thought to be on a trip to England when his recently single onetime paramour Ophelia drowned herself in a fit or sorrow, her brother Laertes decides to hold Roman Reigns accountable. Before a match between Roman Reigns and Laertes, the latter dips his sword in a bucket of super poison, ensuring that the slightest of hits will instantly rid Roman Reigns of his life and existential suffering. “The rest is silence,” Roman Reigns offers as his last words, following a bloodbath that also claims his step-father Claudius, his mother, Gertrude, and Sin Cara.
What if, just before a Monday Night Raw main event, Roman Reigns grabbed a hot mic and announced, “I have to go now. My planet needs me,” before gracefully floating out of the arena, into the sky, and off to a new adventure? He’s billed as hailing from Florida, but it’s been well established that WWE lies about where their sports entertainers were born all the time. So, really, there’s no way to say for certain that Roman Reigns isn’t from outer space. Reigns could also perish under unexplained circumstances on his way home, ensuring that he will never, ever at all, appear on WWE programming.