Because WWE inexplicably doesn’t already have The Wyatt Family locked in an epic storyline worthy of the best gimmick the company has produced in years (decades?), rumors have circulated that WWE creative plans to introduce Sister Abigail as a flesh-and-blood character, as opposed to a supposedly (maybe?) dead matriarchal figure from Wyatt’s history.
The same rumors indicate Mika Rotunda - real world sister of Bray Wyatt’s secret identity, Windham Rotunda - and Santana Garrett may be in the running for what’s got to be considered a coveted new role in WWE.
But wait - let’s consider that Bray Wyatt first encountered Sister Abigail when he was a little boy. In order to properly go about the delicate process of preparing 'widdle' Bray to someday fulfill his destiny as The Eater of Worlds, Sister Abigail would’ve needed to be - if not necessarily an old lady - an adult or almost an adult at that point, right? As of this writing, Windham Rotunda is 28 years old, which presumably means Bray Wyatt is also 28. Santana Garrett is 27, and therefore, was not in a position to mentor 8-year-old Bray. Furthermore, although we’re having some difficulty confirming Mika Rontuna’s age, isn’t she younger than her brothers? If so, how could she have guided Bray down the path of the buzzards if she hadn’t even been born yet?
In order for Sister Abigail to almost make sense without a direly conspicuous retcon of the Wyatt mythology, she must be plausibly 20 years older than Bray Wyatt at absolute minimum. While that might not quite jibe with WWE’s emphasis on youth - mandated via certain athletic realities, plus ludicrous cultural standards of beauty that only exist in the first place to make women feel bad enough about themselves to buy makeup they don’t need - we will not accept a Sister Abigail who can’t convince us that she has lived at least three and a half decades, or thereabouts. Envisioning a 15-year-old Sister Abigail taking baby Bray under her wing sounds like a stretch, but considering that there aren’t too many 60-something women in professional wrestling, we’ll take what we can get.
Luckily for WWE, we’ve come up with a batch of 12 women who, in most cases just barely, could pass as old enough to have raised Bray Wyatt. You’re welcome, Vince!
11 Cheerleader Melissa
If Cheerleader Melissa is 33, that means she would’ve been 13 when Bray was 8. Therefore, a 13-year-old assuming any sort of guardianship over an 8-year-old would’ve been extremely unconventional and likely an indicator of systemic failings on the part of Louisiana Child Services. On the one hand, maybe that disqualifies Cheerleader Melissa from the part. Or, one could argue, her youth could make the story behind the Wyatt Family even creepier, by emphasizing that Abigail has been damaged and abandoned by society as much, if not moreso, than Bray. Melissa Anderson would have to take some classes in creepiness - or possibly have her brain washed and reprogrammed as evil - but it could maybe work?
Unlike the overwhelming majority of women in WWE and TNA, Jessica Kresa got herself noticed by presenting herself as a fair deal grubbier than she actually is. Ergo, she’s already formed habits that would suit an athletic, somewhat well-adjusted 30-something woman trying to pass herself off as a swamp-dwelling occultist orphanage magistrate. Plus, like many TNA alumni, it would be nice to see her pull down a WWE paycheck and actually make some friggin’ money before her retirement. Better yet, she probably hates Ken Anderson, which would make it easy for her to befriend Randy Orton.
9 Mika Rotunda (In A Sheep Mask)
As previously explained, Mika Rotunda is younger than Bray, and thus absolutely disqualified from portraying Sister Abigail -- but what if she wore one of those sheep masks Erick Rowan is so fond of, and never, ever took it off, ever? And what if she did a cranky old lady voice whilst under the guise of said mask?
OR - What if Bray explained this younger woman was the reincarnation of Sister Abigail? Or if we'd like to avoid too much quasi-new agey goofballery, that "Sister Abigail" is more like a title and passes from generation to generation like Ra's al Ghul? That might work out okay. Right? We think?
8 Dawn Marie
Okay -- bit of a stretch on this one, but what if to payoff The Wyatt Family angle, it was revealed that Bray's entire routine about living in the swamp and arcane mysticism was mostly a rouse, and the stable was put together by somebody with a bone to pick with WWE? Like, let's say, someone who the company had previously forced to perform a humiliating storyline with Torrie Wilson's on-screen "father?" Could it be that Dawn Marie's been scheming to destroy all the WWE babyfaces to get revenge for making her look stupid for lo these many years? Maybe!
Granted, not much makes the former Alundra Blayze stand out on this list, aside from her meeting the fundamental requirements. But let us not forget that she once dropped the WWE Women’s Championship Belt in a trash can on live TV, which means the odds that they’ll want to hire her back are rock bottom terrible, though they did decide to induct her into the WWE HoF. But it would be super funny if they hired her back anyway! Imagine a Sister Abigail vs. Charlotte match, wherein if Abigail wins, she’s allowed to set the WWE Diva’s Title on fire!
6 Keiko Nakano
Whelp, she got thrown out of WWE all the way back in the ‘90s when someone squealed on her for doing blow. But she’s pushing 50 and the Bull Nakano costume she wore during her vaguely memorable feud with Alundra Blayze was so absurd that hardly any fans will recognize her if she wears virtually anything else. We don’t know if Nakano speaks English, but if she doesn’t happen to be bilingual, perhaps she could depict a silent Sister Abigail who communicates exclusively with Bray, possibly via telepathy. Major problem: Nakano would have to abandon her professional golf career.
5 Lisa Marie Varon
Arguably a sentimental pick on the part of this writer, but hey, why not? Too many WWE fans fondly recall Victoria’s presence during The Attitude Era to suspend their disbelief, although at 44 years old, she fulfills the age recruitment a bit more comfortably than a few other entries on this list. Varon’s obviously capable of holding down the in-ring and microphone-related aspects of the job. Plus, she briefly dated John Cena at one point years ago, and we like the idea of having somebody around whose mere presence would annoy Cena and Nikki Bella. Although, that’s assuming Nikki’s the jealous type. Maybe she isn't, and Nikki would be cool with having Victoria around? If Varon became Sister Abigail, she’d have to get used to it either way!
5. Sara Del Rey
She never quite demonstrated the mic skills to put her on par with Bray Wyatt. Nor is she even as good of a talker as Luke Harper and Erick Rowan, for that matter. But if WWE wants to make Sister Abigail a force in the women’s division instead of essentially The Wyatt Family’s manager, Del Rey might be their best option among those already on the WWE payroll. It also helps that while Del Rey was an independent scene staple for a good number of years, she wouldn’t have the baggage of a previous on-camera stint with WWE. That is to say, at least “Husky Harris”-esque chants wouldn’t be a problem.
4 Stephanie McMahon
Here’s a question - while waging their path of destruction through WWE, why didn’t The Wyatts ever go after Seth Rollins when he was The Authority’s handpicked champion? Why didn’t they ever bother Sheamus after he haphazardly stumbled assbackwards into the same spot? If the Wyatts have set about to hunt down and destroy false heroes, why haven’t they attacked Triple H, arguably the phoniest idol in modern wrestling? Could it be because The Wyatt Family death cult has been a front, orchestrated by Stephanie McMahon to keep her enemies in check this entire time? Such a scenario wouldn’t be at all inconceivable, especially considering that her dad did essentially the same thing with The Ministry of Darkness.
3 Shelly Martinez
While hardly a perfect candidate - she’s a few years too young, and a fair amount of WWE fans probably still remember her run as “Ariel” in the fake ECW - Shelly Martinez has her fair share of experience playing spooky. More importantly, she really hates Batista. Ten years ago when she was pretending to be a vampire alongside Mordecai, it was not fashionable among the WWE workforce to hate Batista. But today, in a post-Royal Rumble 2014 world, she can show up to any board meeting she wants and say, “Hey guys, I was telling you Batista sucks back in 2006. So which one of us looks stupid now? Oh, right, you. You are the ones who look stupid now. Give me more money.” Shelly Martinez will become rich when the McMahons give her all of their money.
Just barely old enough to have conceivably raised Bray, Daffney has an extensive track record of unmatched success portraying Harley Quinn-esque delightfully eccentric types. Dirtsheets indicate that Vince Russo ordered her to fall through tables until her bones exploded, then Bubba Ray Dudley ordered one of his wrestling students to sit on her neck until it stopped working. Thus, her time in TNA may have severely impacted (pun intended) her in-ring capabilities. Still, we need only to watch the promos she cut alongside Dr. Stevie during her unfortunate tenure in Dixie Carter’s purgatory to know she’s got the ideal mic skills to enhance The Wyatt Family’s otherworldly menace.
1 Sweet Saraya
If you’re a WWE creative executive tasked with tracking down a worthy Sister Abigail, you’re probably thinking, “We need someone who’s age-appropriate for the role, has the interview chops to hold her own next to Windham, can wrestle as if she's a psychotic excommunicated nun, and who fans won’t recognize as a previous character. Man, that’s specific! Wherever could we find someone like that?! This is a serious problem!” It is a serious problem, but its solution is simple - WWE needs only to ask Paige to call her mom, and ask if she’s interested in a job.