Some people may think that pro wrestlers are all well off and rich people. Those people would be way wrong. Wrestlers have to pay for their own travel expenses and unless you're a big time player in a major promotion, chances are you aren't going to be buying that castle in Beverly Hills. Wrestling also takes a major toll on the body. So what would be a good way to make some money and not be putting yourself in life threatening danger? Shameless advertising of course!
A lot of wrestlers have been involved in commercials over the years but it seemed to really hit its stride when Vince McMahon made his company a global empire in the 1980s with his over the top characters that wrestlers started popping in phone, food and (insert item here) commercials. Knowing how these characters are, there was absolutely no way that these wrestlers were gonna play it straight in their ads - they would have to be in character.
But these ads go way beyond anything you would see them doing in a wrestling promo. The following ads feature unnecessary shouting, violence and nonsensical rants that would confuse Stephen Hawking at the peak of his mental powers. Okay, maybe it is exactly like professional wrestling but nonetheless, these ads are sure to scare the ever-living crap out of any viewer who isn't a wrestling fan and by keeping that in mind, I present to you my lovely readers the top 15 craziest advertisements starring professional wrestlers.
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15 Jeff Jarrett Brings Long Distance Object To The Ring
In the first of three telephone related commercials on this list, Jeff Jarrett, a man known for using the term "slapnuts" to address people, stars as the spokesperson for the Tracfone company. Tracfone's gimmick was that it was a pay as you go cell phone company and it's slogan was "Find it anywhere, use it anywhere".
Well hold up now, why the hell is Jarrett allowed to have the phone inside a wrestling ring?! Pro Wrestling rules clearly state that no foreign objects are allowed so why is Jarrett wielding a potentially dangerous butt-ugly phone? Most insane of all though was that Jarrett was in WCW at the time... in the year 2000. Which company in their right mind would want to be associated to WCW then?
14 Pizza Hut Demolition Intimidation
Back when Pizza Hut was still a relevant brand, the company was a favorite place for families to go for a slice of pie, especially because of it's Kids' Night promotion where kids ate for free. That sounds freaking awesome for parents, but according to this ad, some parents still needed convincing. Enter Demolition.
This ad features two children who are trying to convince their parents to go to Pizza Hut and their various attempts, including rapping and dressing as cod fish, fall short. It's only when the kids enlist the help of Ax and Smash do their parents seem convinced. So let's follow the train of thought here: if dressing like fish and rapping like white Men On A Mission doesn't work, hire two S&M Road Warriors to scare your parents into going to Pizza Hut. Gotcha.
13 John Cena Is Hyped About... Shaving?
Shaving. Nobody likes doing it and it's the reason why I salute men like Daniel Bryan for letting their hair flow oh so beautifully. John Cena though says SCREW THAT SHAVING IS AWESOME!!!
In this ad for Gillette's Pro Glide Challenge (essentially a contest for $50,000 and a trip across the U.S.A) John Cena scares the piss out of people in a public bathroom to ask them "ARE YOU READY FOR THE GILLETTE PRO GLIDE CHALLENGE!" Good try by Cena for screaming in a commercial, but the masters of confusingly loud shouting are yet to come...
12 American Idol: Featuring Hulkamania and Alf
Remember ALF? I sure as hell don't because I was a 90s kid but from what I gather ALF is an alien living in a suburban American household. I guess he's funny as well or something. After teaming with such big legends like Randy Savage, an alien would seem like the next logical step for the Hulkster.
In this ad for the 10-10-220 service, Hulk Hogan and ALF serve as judges in a singing contest. While Hogan is moved to tears by the singer, ALF thinks she sucks. Somehow, they launch into a conversation about long distance calling in which the singer also chimes in. I don't know who hired Hogan as a judge for this contest about singing, hell we all know Hogan should never be involved about with anything involving music.
11 The Stone Cold and D'Lo Brown Love Saga
What is it about long distance calling that attracts pro wrestlers? Maybe they have to call their wives a lot while on the road? That wouldn't seem to apply to this commercial as Stone Cold and D'Lo Brown share a tender moment in the middle of the ring.
Apparently the Texas Rattlesnake is upset that D'Lo Brown didn't use 1-800 COLLECT to call him. What makes this commercial so insane is that this commercial was in 1999, a time when Stone Cold was notoriously known for not being especially sweet or nice, so this commercial was quite a change of pace. Also, screw the Stunner. Austin should have used the big swing as his finisher; look how far D'Lo goes!
10 Triple H Buries Skateboard Punk
No matter where you are, who you are and what you do, Triple H will always find a way to bury you. Nowhere is this more evident than in this commercial for the YJ Stinger energy drink brand.
As a group of friends gather to watch WWE, one punk (possibly a Chick Magnet one) decides to taunt The Game and spit at the screen. Somehow, the energy drink transforms into a pack of angry bees which chases the skateboarding guy down. Triple H, equipped with teleportation powers now, manifests in front of the skateboarder and clotheslines him. Somehow, this commercial is supposed to get you to drink YJ Stinger. I don't care if I can teleport, I ain't drinking liquified bees.
9 Kurt Angle's Pre-WWE Pizza Acid Trip
After the Olympics, many athletes find themselves struggling to make ends meet due to the absolutely tiny amount most of them usually make from their athletic accomplishments. That's the only reason I could think as to why Kurt Angle would do a commercial for the oh so creatively titled "Pizza Outlet".
In this commercial Angle orders a pizza that somehow has living vegetables. Living vegetables who are capable of more convincing offense than The Miz. This may seem relatively normal, but the absolutely unnecessary use of horrible animation is the stuff nightmares are made of. It would appear that acid is another drug we can add to Angle's list of used drugs.
8 Andre The Giant Invades a Treehouse
Andre The Giant is someone who you can pretty much put in anything and it will look insane just because of his appearance and his broken English. Having said that, the Honeycomb cereal brand managed to go above and beyond by using Andre in this commercial.
In the ad a group of children are sitting in their treehouse (WITH A FREAKING ROBOT) enjoying their Honeycomb cereal until Andre bursts through the "door" in search of the big honey taste. While it looks bad, Andre quickly turns babyface by singing with kids and launches the robot sky high courtesy of a makeshift see saw. I don't want to deny Andre of happiness, but good lord he looks scary when he's happy. Or sad. Or content. Okay he's just really scary.
7 Sting Squashes A Child
Who wouldn't want Sting to show up at their house? In this commercial which somehow advertises Sprite, the WCW legend appears at a kid's house on the part of the Dream Come True Fantasy contest. The kid's dream? To wrestle, brother!
Probably still pissed from the ending of his Starrcade 1997 encounter with Hogan, Sting squashes the kid and makes him scream in pain, despite the kid drinking a Sprite! Even more baffling, the parents seemed overjoyed that their son is being assaulted by a grown adult wearing crow face paint.
6 Snobby Hotel Receptionist Gets Comeuppance from (mini) Edge
The last wrestler to be in a Slim Jim commercial, Edge stars in this commercial for the dried meat brand. In the ad, Edge tries to take a table at restaurant but the biggest douchebag to ever work behind a desk tells Edge that there's no room for him. Big, or could I say, little mistake.
Edge keeps his cool over the suit's crappy behavior and instead hands a Slim Jim to his mini-me. The mini Edge, with incredibly fake looking horns, then proceeds to destroy the beautiful restaurant and give the host a wedgie. If Slim Jim does that to a mini version of myself, I think it qualifies more as drug than food.
5 Boredom's Enemy: The Ultimate Warrior
People may recall Randy Savage as the name and face of Slim Jim, but he actually wasn't the original choice that Slim Jim had in mind. Swapping a barely comprehensible wrestler for a COMPLETELY incomprehensible wrestler, ladies and gentlemen I give you The Ultimate Warrior's Slim Jim commercial.
In the ad, a group of kids are sitting around their garage when they bounce ideas off of one another to see what to do about their boredom. Never one for subtlety, Warrior enters the garage and demands the boys to snap into a Slim Jim. Seems pretty basic (for Warrior anyway), but for some reason Warrior rips a phone book in half and compliments an antique chair. How the hell did some people think there were two Ultimate Warriors?
4 Hulk Hogan+ Japan= Madness
If I really think about it, there's nothing insane about this ad at all. It is merely Hulk Hogan singing the days of the week to a smiling baby. Aww that's so cute, what is the ad for? Baby oil? Perhaps the Hulkster and the baby use copious amounts of it and they share the bottle? No, this ad is actually for a Hitachi Air Conditioner. And just in case you were wondering, yes, this ad is from Japan. Apparently Hogan is so over in Japan that he can sell air conditioners by singing the days of the week. Roman Reigns wishes for that kind of heat.
3 Rick Steiner Pushes Gimmick Too Far For Roos Shoes
So I may have not been born back when Roos shoes debuted, but my assumption is that I didn't miss much, seeing as how their popularity lasted as long as a hiccup. Why is that? Maybe their series of ads featuring WCW wrestlers had something to do with it.
While Roos' ads with Sting and Lex Luger were kind of weird (especially because of Sting's completely over-acted face), their commercial with Rick Steiner took it to a whole new level. Look Rick we get it, your nickname is the "Dog-Faced Gremlin", but that doesn't mean it's okay to put shoes and your hands and bark at other dogs. You don't see Stone Cold hissing at rattlesnakes do you? No, so please stop that.
2 Randy Savage Destroys A Light Store
Ah yes, here it is: the most revered series of commercials starring a pro wrestler ever, the Randy Savage Slim Jim commercials. Just as many people seem to love the Macho Man for his wrestling work as for his Slim Jim ads. But which ad is the most insane?
Well, how about an ad in which Randy Savage crashes through the roof of a light store in order to help out two kids from the terror of... a slightly patronizing old man. For his minor joke, Savage and the kids proceed to blow the hell out of his store with biting powers and nearly kill the guy. The Macho Man's maniacal smile at the end just seals the deal.
1 Ultimate Warrior: Say No To Smoking, Say Yes to Drugs
I'm not entirely sure that this qualifies as a commercial, but there is no way in hell that anything else could be number one.
Without a doubt the most insane wrestler in history, The Ultimate Warrior was the WWE's second biggest star of its golden age along with Hulk Hogan. Certainly with his influence he could help get children to stop smoking through a public service announcement. How he would do it though is an intriguing question.
In this 13 second clip, Warrior manages to nearly eat several cigarettes while crushing a bunch of others and urges kids that the only way to get the full power of the Warrior would be to not smoke. Now I think we all know the power of the Warrior lies in a needle, but I guess not smoking is a good idea too.
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