Wrestling fans certainly put a fair amount - arguably too much - of thought into the behind the scenes lives of sports entertainers. Is it any of our business that CM Punk used to date Lita, that AJ Lee idolized Lita growing up and that AJ Lee is currently married to CM Punk? Or how many times The Undertaker has been married? Or that Kurt Angle used to be married to Karen Jarrett and was once accused of stalking Rhaka Khan? Why should we even know any of these things? Or at least think we know those things?
Let’s face it - you can’t believe everything you read on the internet and wrestling-related rumors turn out to be exaggerated or straight-up fabrications plenty of the time. With that in mind, why don’t we indulge in some unabashedly baseless speculation?
Seeing as how TheSportster skews toward the heterosexual male demographic, it’s probably not a stretch to say most of our readers haven’t put a lot of thought into which of their favorite pro wrestlers they’d prefer to spend a steamy night with. Luckily, now we’ve done it for them.
However, having never slept with any of the wrestlers included on this list personally, we cannot confirm or disconfirm any of the following statements. But if we can wring our hands over wrestler's sex lives, why not put some whimsical thought into what it’s actually like to have sex with them? Therefore, we present to you the 15 wrestlers and wrestling personalities we think would make the worst lovers.
(Anyone who has slept with any of the following and can confirm or disconfirm any of our theories, feel free to anonymously tell your story in comments. And don’t hesitate to throw some bells and whistles on your anecdotal evidence to make it more TMZ-worthy).
15 The Bunny
This one’s really a subjective call on our part. We’re not into the furry fetish thing. We don’t understand the appeal. So if we here at TheSportster slept with The Bunny, we probably wouldn’t have a terrific time. A confusing and interesting time, perhaps. But not enjoyable, per se.
14 Brock Lesnar
13 Big Show
Paul Wight - be he known as Big Show or The Giant - has been a fixture on cable pro wrestling for 20 years. Assuming his career longevity mirrors his bedside proficiency, we can guess he doesn’t lack stamina.
12 Dolph Ziggler
Okay, maybe this one is a little unfair. According to comedian Amy Schumer, Dolph Ziggler’s between-the-sheets proficiency is among his greatest attributes. But what if she only told Howard Stern that because she didn't want to hurt Ziggler’s feelings? I mean, if Ziggler is really such a fantastic lover, why did Schumer end their courtship? Things didn’t work out between Ziggler and Nikki Bella, either. Could that have been because of Ziggler’s repeated poor coital performances?
11 Tie Between Everyone from the Original ECW (except Tommy Dreamer, Beulah, and the bWo guys)
Plenty of phrases pop to mind when we think of the pre-WWE-assimilated incarnation of ECW. “Brutality,” “weapons,” and “outstanding promos,” for example. But certainly not “tenderness” or “sensuality,” or even “sex appeal.”
10 Vince Russo
First of all, he’s been a Born Again Christian for 10 years, so sayth Wikipedia. That means (according to our understanding of fundamentalist Christianity) he’s not allowed to have sex at all unless it’s in secret with someone he meets on Ashley Madison.
8 8: The Iron Sheik
7 7: Baron Corbin
6 The Entire Cast of Total Divas (11-way tie)
5 Donald Trump
Firstly, Trump's a WWE Hall of Famer, so we decided we could use him on this list. Also, the idea was too much fun to resist.
Let’s ask ourselves this question - if Donald Trump doesn’t hesitate to build an entire presidential campaign out of scapegoating and brutalizing undocumented immigrants and flaunting his misogyny in lieu of any political experience or common sense whatsoever, why was this even necessary?
4 Kurt Angle
Ever noticed what Kurt Angle’s bald head looks like when he gets all “intense,” right before delivering an Angle Slam or applying an Ankle Lock? Isn't that weird? Is there any possible way to not get totally creeped out by that, especially in this kind of scenario? Probably not.
3 Triple H and Stephanie McMahon
As every wrestling fan and sexual historian knows, back in the late ‘90s during their D-Generation X tenure, Paul “Triple H” Levesque and Stephanie McMahon invented the threesome - or “ménage à trois” - by accident during a WWE tour of Australia. Don't look that up, it's obviously a real fact that you'd learn about in your college sociology of sexuality class. But that was back in their wild, experimental years, when they were all about exploring and testing boundaries.
2 John Cena
1 Hulk Hogan
You know what completely destroys the afterglow after a round of love making? When your partner starts spewing racial epithets and gabbing about their daughter’s love life, as if either of those things don’t make for outstandingly creepy subjects for pillow talk.
Maybe WWE will forgive the Hulkster for his ill-advised post-sex tape bigoted ranting someday - most likely after he dies. However, in the long run, the much publicized incident will make it much harder for him to convince anyone to sleep with him - unless they don’t like black people and get turned on by weird father/daughter relationships.
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