Wrestling fans certainly put a fair amount - arguably too much - of thought into the behind the scenes lives of sports entertainers. Is it any of our business that CM Punk used to date Lita, that AJ Lee idolized Lita growing up and that AJ Lee is currently married to CM Punk? Or how many times The Undertaker has been married? Or that Kurt Angle used to be married to Karen Jarrett and was once accused of stalking Rhaka Khan? Why should we even know any of these things? Or at least think we know those things?
Let’s face it - you can’t believe everything you read on the internet and wrestling-related rumors turn out to be exaggerated or straight-up fabrications plenty of the time. With that in mind, why don’t we indulge in some unabashedly baseless speculation?
Seeing as how TheSportster skews toward the heterosexual male demographic, it’s probably not a stretch to say most of our readers haven’t put a lot of thought into which of their favorite pro wrestlers they’d prefer to spend a steamy night with. Luckily, now we’ve done it for them.
However, having never slept with any of the wrestlers included on this list personally, we cannot confirm or disconfirm any of the following statements. But if we can wring our hands over wrestler's sex lives, why not put some whimsical thought into what it’s actually like to have sex with them? Therefore, we present to you the 15 wrestlers and wrestling personalities we think would make the worst lovers.
(Anyone who has slept with any of the following and can confirm or disconfirm any of our theories, feel free to anonymously tell your story in comments. And don’t hesitate to throw some bells and whistles on your anecdotal evidence to make it more TMZ-worthy).
15 The Bunny
This one’s really a subjective call on our part. We’re not into the furry fetish thing. We don’t understand the appeal. So if we here at TheSportster slept with The Bunny, we probably wouldn’t have a terrific time. A confusing and interesting time, perhaps. But not enjoyable, per se.
However, members of the furry fetish community may disagree with us wholeheartedly, hence The Bunny’s inclusion at the very bottom of this list. Plus we’re told that it was Justin Gabriel/PJ Black bounding around in the cotton-tailed suit during The Bunny’s time among Adam Rose’s Exotic Express - meaning he’s actually a costume change away from showing up on our “Wrestlers We Think Would Make the Best Lovers” list.
14 Brock Lesnar
Well, he mentioned he doesn't like gays, in a 2004 interview with ESPN, which doesn’t necessarily mean he’s closeted, but it absolutely indicates that he’s not at peace with his own sexuality. We’re certainly not saying there’s anything wrong with Sable, but she happens to fit the Barbie doll archetype well enough to make us think Lesnar doesn’t have the most interesting or creative tastes when it comes to romance. Is Brock Lesnar a mundane, vanilla, boring lover? Just in case he’s reading this, we’d like to clarify that this is a satire article and Brock Lesnar is obviously a sexual dynamo. Furthermore, please don’t kill us.
13 Big Show
Paul Wight - be he known as Big Show or The Giant - has been a fixture on cable pro wrestling for 20 years. Assuming his career longevity mirrors his bedside proficiency, we can guess he doesn’t lack stamina.
That said, Wight has never quite broken through to the superstar status his initial hype in WCW indicated was headed his way. Maybe that’s his fault, maybe a wrestler can only get switched from face to heel and back again so many times before factions of the audience start to lose interest. Sometimes, quick and interesting can be preferable to prolonged and monotonous. He’s certainly a future Hall of Famer, but our guess is the Big Show makes a pretty dull lay.
12 Dolph Ziggler
Okay, maybe this one is a little unfair. According to comedian Amy Schumer, Dolph Ziggler’s between-the-sheets proficiency is among his greatest attributes. But what if she only told Howard Stern that because she didn't want to hurt Ziggler’s feelings? I mean, if Ziggler is really such a fantastic lover, why did Schumer end their courtship? Things didn’t work out between Ziggler and Nikki Bella, either. Could that have been because of Ziggler’s repeated poor coital performances?
Oh, who are we trying to bull? If Schumer says Dolph Ziggler rules at sex, we have no reason to doubt her. But seeing as how we know, as per Schumer’s testimony, most of the human population can’t keep up with him in the sack, we include Ziggler on this list nonetheless.
11 Tie Between Everyone from the Original ECW (except Tommy Dreamer, Beulah, and the bWo guys)
Plenty of phrases pop to mind when we think of the pre-WWE-assimilated incarnation of ECW. “Brutality,” “weapons,” and “outstanding promos,” for example. But certainly not “tenderness” or “sensuality,” or even “sex appeal.”
We’ll make some exceptions - Tommy Dreamer fought like an old school gentleman to pry Beulah away from the insidious clutches of Raven’s Nest, so we can infer that he’s a selfless paramour. And if Beulah wasn’t a superior lover, Raven wouldn’t have had such a difficult time getting over her. Stevie Richards, The Blue Meanie, and Nova don’t seem like the type of dudes who got laid in high school, meaning they’ll appreciate the heck out of anyone goodly enough to sleep with them. As for the rest of the ECW Arena locker room circa 1997, we’d have to take a pass on doing the deed with any of them.
10 Vince Russo
First of all, he’s been a Born Again Christian for 10 years, so sayth Wikipedia. That means (according to our understanding of fundamentalist Christianity) he’s not allowed to have sex at all unless it’s in secret with someone he meets on Ashley Madison.
Secondly, what if he has sex the same way he used to book wrestling shows? Can you imagine if one minute he’s really into toys, the next minute he decides he hates toys and is too hungry to have sex right now, then he fakes his own pregnancy, suddenly bursts into tears and decides he only enjoys sex if it involves absurd gimmicks? Nobody’s going to stay interested in Russo amid all those swerves.
From what we can tell, Virgil is bad at almost everything he attempts to do. He couldn’t win any matches in WWE or WCW. He fails to entice anyone to ask for his autograph. He clearly doesn’t understand how or why crowdfunding campaigns work. Sure, he’s funny-ish on Twitter, but we’re not sure if that’s by accident or not. Do we have any reason to believe he could possibly sexually satisfy another human being? We do not. But we're going to send his GoFundMe $5 anyway, because like all internet list writers, we're millionaires, just like Virgil hopes to become.
8 8: The Iron Sheik
How many times has the Iron Sheik declared an intention to - ahem - “f” a Twitter adversary in the “a” - whether or not said adversary expressed any interest in his advances or not? You know what kind of person makes threats over the internet on a regular basis? Gamergaters. You know what all Gamergaters have in common? None of them have ever actually been laid at all. Therefore, we can determine that The Iron Sheik, like those Gamergaters, isn't very good at.
7 7: Baron Corbin
We can’t quite put our finger on the precise reason why, but Corbin comes across like the sort of semi-famous dude who would invite you into his dressing room, maybe sweet talk you for just long enough for you to think maybe he’s not just faking an interest in you as a person, then whip his business out expecting a hummer. Probably, the sheer grossness of his gesture would send you running screaming for the door.
6 The Entire Cast of Total Divas (11-way tie)
The sad, little-known truth about reality shows is the enchanted cameras may capture “reality,” only by robbing their subjects of any and all natural sexual urges. Guest stars and recurring characters aren’t stricken with the affliction as badly. Nonetheless, John Cena, Daniel Bryan, and that dude from A Day To Remember will have to wait until Total Divas finally gets cancelled before they can properly bed down any of their respective significant others. And even then, the hormonal imbalance caused by their time on reality TV will render the 11 women’s libidos unstable - possibly never to return back to normalcy.
5 Donald Trump
Firstly, Trump's a WWE Hall of Famer, so we decided we could use him on this list. Also, the idea was too much fun to resist.
Let’s ask ourselves this question - if Donald Trump doesn’t hesitate to build an entire presidential campaign out of scapegoating and brutalizing undocumented immigrants and flaunting his misogyny in lieu of any political experience or common sense whatsoever, why was this even necessary?
Why hasn’t Donald Trump released a sex tape himself? If anything, a “leaked” Trump sex vid could only bolster his popularity with the U.S. voters currently supporting him. It certainly wouldn't make his campaign look sillier to anyone with common sense. Could it be the reason Donald Trump hasn’t released a sex tape, is because Donald Trump isn't good in bed? We believe so.
4 Kurt Angle
Ever noticed what Kurt Angle’s bald head looks like when he gets all “intense,” right before delivering an Angle Slam or applying an Ankle Lock? Isn't that weird? Is there any possible way to not get totally creeped out by that, especially in this kind of scenario? Probably not.
Also, there's also the small chance that he might shower you with gallons of milk, no pun intended, which doesn't seem ideal...
3 Triple H and Stephanie McMahon
As every wrestling fan and sexual historian knows, back in the late ‘90s during their D-Generation X tenure, Paul “Triple H” Levesque and Stephanie McMahon invented the threesome - or “ménage à trois” - by accident during a WWE tour of Australia. Don't look that up, it's obviously a real fact that you'd learn about in your college sociology of sexuality class. But that was back in their wild, experimental years, when they were all about exploring and testing boundaries.
Now that they’ve entered their old, boring, dull as dishwater corporate adulthood, wrestling’s most influential couple are too busy counting their money and drinking milk to be bothered with such fanciful endeavors.
2 John Cena
Amy Schumer stated that while filming a sex scene with Cena in her latest film, Trainwreck, the so-called Cenation leader and zillion-time world champion was “actually inside" her. She seemed to be obviously joking, but what if he actually gets confused and has real sex when he’s supposed to be faking? Then, wouldn't it seem logical that he’d try to have kayfabe sex when it’s supposed to be a shoot? Sorry John, but the prospect of getting dry humped by you while you're wearing three pairs of boxer briefs and putting on an obviously insincere “O” face doesn’t do anything for most people.
1 Hulk Hogan
You know what completely destroys the afterglow after a round of love making? When your partner starts spewing racial epithets and gabbing about their daughter’s love life, as if either of those things don’t make for outstandingly creepy subjects for pillow talk.
Maybe WWE will forgive the Hulkster for his ill-advised post-sex tape bigoted ranting someday - most likely after he dies. However, in the long run, the much publicized incident will make it much harder for him to convince anyone to sleep with him - unless they don’t like black people and get turned on by weird father/daughter relationships.