Finishing maneuvers in professional wrestling are one of the most exciting parts of any match, signaling that the end is nigh. It’s become such a staple in the wrestling narrative that if a match ends with a definitive finishing move, some fans feel cheated out of a good match. This is why in the most critical of times during a storyline, the finishing moments of a match need to be pounded with an exclamation point to hit the crescendo of feeling and emotion that truly make people say “wow, that was such a good ending.”
Now finishing moves have ranged from looking bone crushingly devastating to finger-poke-of-doom stupid, but within that spectrum of match ending moves, there is something commonplace about them: some of them would just downright suck to be stuck in for a while if the the wrestler hasn’t cleaned themselves before executing such a compromising move.
Because this is sports entertainment, it’s natural to come up with moves that are more comedic and laughable because of certain gimmicks and not trying to be a serious show all the time. But in the instance for most of these nasty moves, cleanliness would be desperately needed not only to protect the performers, but to not gross out the crowd with moves that, though entertaining, are incredibly disgusting.
To that end, some of these moves are not intentionally disgusting. They look and feel as if they would be incredibly devastating to inflict on another person. They just have that unfortunate (or fortunate?) look that has you crossing your fingers that the wrestlers decided to wash.
But whether or not they were meant to be devastating, funny, serious, or silly, these moves are an assault on the senses and could quite possibly make you gag as your wrestling minds are reminded of that which is the most unclean in the world of wrestling.
The DDT, which has so many variations to it, is one of the most disgusting moves ever to be conceived. One can only hope that when this move is slapped on someone, they have shaved their arm pits and put on healthy amounts of deodorant. Not only does a person have their head tucked snugly underneath the evil doer’s armpit, they get spiked head first into the mat. For the sake of all who receive a DD, make sure to put some deodorant on.
14. MasterLock/Full Nelson
Chris Masters’ submission finisher puts more ownness on the victim to be practicing good cleanliness. As Masters reaches inside your pits and around your neck to apply his patented finisher, he swings with the fervor of a ten year old on a swing set, causing great amounts of both pain and skin to skin burn (thank goodness for how much he oils up or else this would be a lot worse). And if he feels like sitting on you, by God, Masters will plant that firmly toned buttocks on you and make all the germaphobes faint.
13. Cross Rhodes/Queen’s Crossbow
What makes Cody Rhodes’/Stardust’s finishing maneuver even more vile than the DDT is that instead of having the receiver be face down, away from the nasty pits, he has his opponents face up, staring straight into his hairy under region. To make matters worse, he then violently spins you into a cutter. Sadly, the only way to make sure you land correctly in this move is for Cody to hold you ever so tightly in his Rhodes-y embrace and make you whiff the au naturel body odor of the Prince of Dark Matter.
12. Rear View
The ever dangerous Rear View from former Funkadactyl, Naomi. For those who are not well versed in the Rear View maneuver, this is when Naomi jumps in the air, does a 180, and hits her opponent with her butt. Generally, she gets enough air on her jump to hit the opponent in the face, so as to maximize on the realness of the move actually being “painful” or “dangerous.” In terms of cleanliness, it is a God awful move that would scare any neat freak. Imagine. two shapely buttocks jumping at your face with the intent of making you smell a rosebud (or knock you out). A dangerous affliction on the human condition indeed.
11. Camel Clutch/Accolade
Only the most foreign of foreigners (or biggest jerks) are allowed to use this deadly maneuver in the wrestling ring. Not only is it an affront on the patriotism of the country in question, it’s just downright nasty. If you think about it, the victim’s arm pits are sat on the submission holder’s knees and then the submission holder proceeds to sit his uncleanly glutes on the lower back of the victim. And to get extra pressure, you wrench further back from the chin, proceeding to slide your butt up the back of the poor victim. Poor jobbers….
10. Bear Hug
The crushing submission move made famous by Bruno Sammartino, the Bear Hug is the ultimate sandwich of man on man flesh. A simple hug turned into an amalgamation of sweat, tears, and people squirming around trying to to sell the move. This turns into a bastion of germination and bacteria making sweet bacteria babies with one another. You’d have to hope that whoever decides to slap this move on has rinsed and lathered like the Pope was coming to dinner.
9. Sister Abigail
Sister Abigail gets the notorious distinction of being the only move on this list where, before the execution of the move, the mouth actually comes into contact with the victim. In this instance, it is a kiss to the forehead from Bray Wyatt before the move is applied. Now let’s analyze this move: to begin, Wyatt grabs his opponent and then lays them ever so gently upon his rested knee, his hand grabbing the back of his opponents neck or, if he’s feeling particularly dastardly, he’ll wrap his arm around his opponents neck with his arm pit going straight into it. He then lays his lips on the forehead before violently spinning them into the ground. Kinda gross.
8. The Neutralizer
The Neutralizer does something that no other move really has the courage to do. The three step process by Cesaro is like a bad to worse comic. It goes from “eh, that’s not so bad” to “okay where’s this going” to “OH MY GOD, MY BALLS.” Imagine just as you’re about to piledrive your opponent, you realize you’re getting uncomfortably close to your opponent’s privates…not ideal. The implications of this move to those who are clean freaks would make them lose their minds so quickly that they’d be crying, before moving to the fetal position to cry some more.
The Powerbomb is one of the most devastating moves ever created. Forcefully throwing someone on their back, neck and shoulders from at least six feet in the air is never a good time. However, when you really analyze it, it boils down to this: the only thing that outshines how destructive the move is, is how utterly nasty it is for the person performing the move. First, the person performing the move jams his victim underneath his privates. Then they proceed to lift up their opponent above their head, with their privates directly in their face, which can’t be overly enjoyable.
6. Rough Ryder
When Zack Ryder decided for this to be his finisher, I’m sure he must have thought it was cool to be able to jump in the air and perform a diving leg drop onto his opponent’s neck. And for all intents and purposes, it is an aesthetically pleasing and pretty painful looking finisher. What he probably didn’t take into account is that his move looks like he’s jumping into the air and making his private parts whisper sweet nothings into his victim’s ear or the fact that the underside of his thigh is making a meat sandwich with the upper chest and neck area of his opponent. A Rough Ryder indeed.
5. West Coast Pop
Probably one of the most exciting moves ever to be conceived by man, Rey Mysterio used this springboard hurricanrana pinning combination to its fullest when he first came onto the WWE scene in 2002. As visually appealing and artfully crafted move as it is, when the move is broken down in regards to human hygiene, it is probably one of the sickest moves there is. If we think about it, Mysterio springboards himself from the apron and onto his opponent, with the entirety of his privates being slammed face first into his poor victim. He then proceeds to flip over his opponent into a pinning combination where he then places his privates on top of his opponent, grabbing one leg and pressing down with all his weight into the face of his opponent. Here’s to hoping that Mysterio keeps all of his nether regions cleaned.
4. Tombstone Piledriver
It’s a disgusting move. There, I said it. It’s a vile move and when you see administered onto a victim, someone from the interwebs is going to start snickering like a little school girl. Forget the fact that it’s one of the most destructive moves ever conceived in kayfabe history. Forget the fact that it is one of the most iconic moves of all-time, being performed by two of the most famous wrestlers in professional wrestler history. Forget that it is one of the most dangerous moves ever to be created from a safety standpoint of the performers. We need to concentrate solely on the fact that it is face to genitals for both performers, with the only advantage going to the administer of the move because they get to spike their victim’s head into the mat.
3. Rump Shaker/Banzai Drop
Yokozuna and Rikishi are two of the most athletic big (emphasis on big) men in wrestling history and it’s no surprise that they were going to come up with a move that would take advantage of their advantageous size. A splash? Ok, that’ll be part of the move set. A superkick? Yeah, we’ll add that too, no one will expect that. But what about a finisher? What about a move that’ll convince everyone that the person needs to stay down? Then, the brilliant idea strikes: “What if I just sit down really hard on the opponent?” Not too flashy though. “What if I do it from the second rope?” Congratulations, one of the most disgusting and effective moves in wrestling is born.
If you think about the progression of a match, it has its high and lows. Its awesome spots and its catch-your-breath spots. The moments where everyone starts cheering, chanting the 3 count, or throwing up their hands in frustration. And then, there is the Banzai Drop/Rump Shaker. A move so flattening. So destructive. So in need of making sure toilet paper is around. Because after a match with all of those highs and lows and roller coaster-esque moments, the sweat and dirt that attaches itself to the human body is presented in one of the most horrifying of ways. Yokozuna/Rikishi proceed to drag their opponent to the corner. They climb to the second rope. Jump off and land ass first onto the chest of their opponent. Come on.
2. The Bronco Buster
If there’s one move that was one part comical, one part painful looking, and one part just absolutely barf inducing, it is the Bronco Buster. The Bronco Buster was performed most famously by X-Pac and a multitude of Divas who made this move look about as effective as it did sexy. It wasn’t. But if you really look at this move and analyze it frame by frame, it creates all the anxiety one would have if you were scared that the person administering this move hadn’t showered in a couple days. A person is bouncing up and down on your chest with their butt as they get dangerously close to your face with their genitals. If that doesn’t scare you (in terms of hoping that the attacker is clean), then I don’t know what will.
1. The Stink Face
When you first started reading this article, you had to know which move was going to be at the top. The entirety of this list, except for this move, is up for debate. There is no other move where people would hope the performer wiped their butt at least six times a day, even if they didn’t have to go to the bathroom. The dreaded Stink Face.
For those unfamiliar with the move, this is where Rikishi walks over to his opponent, proceeds to pull up his wrestling tights, showing the world his massive cheeks, turns around, and proceeds to make a meeting with his behind and his opponent’s face. To make matters even worse, Rikishi grinds with his hips, giving himself the most unnecessary butt cleaning via his opponent face. That can’t be enjoyable.
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