Okay, let’s start this list by emphasizing that the Wyatt Family does not need new members. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Braun Strowman are getting by perfectly fine and well on their own. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose can’t touch them. Remember - even when The Shield was at its height of dominance with Seth Rollins still the brains of the operation, the Hounds of Justice remained no match for the Wyatts and the their mighty beards, as well as plastic novelty masks.
However, that doesn’t mean other denizens of the WWE wouldn’t better serve themselves by affiliating with the three Faces of Fear (er, not to be confused with the ‘90s Kevin Sullivan stable of the same name). Ever wonder why a human being, presumably one intelligent enough to tie his or her own shoes and survive in modern society with any degree of success, would volunteer to join a cult? Well, technically they sort of don’t. Cults use sophisticated emotional and psychological tactics to brainwash new recruits, but it's got to make some aspects of life easier when someone else is making your choices for you, even when their choice for you entails cleaning toilets with toothbrushes all day, right?
More importantly, the Wyatt Family isn’t like one of those scary real world cults that manipulate you into cutting off contact with your friends and family before taking your life savings. The Wyatt Family is a fun time happy zoom pow cult that only wants to spread Bray Wyatt’s message that society has ruined each of our individual lives with its mass sociopsychic distortions, forced us to our knees before false gods, and must therefore be destroyed at all costs.
Looking at it that way, every WWE wrestler, manager, announcer, and fan worldwide would be better off if they joined the Wyatt Family. Every human being on Earth would be better off if they joined the Wyatt Family. But Bray Wyatt is a humble, modest man, and likely isn’t interested in getting so far ahead of himself at the moment. For now, let’s just look at WWE people whose careers and life trajectories should realign themselves towards the whereabouts the buzzards appear headed.
Self-identifying as a “Glampire” and getting engaged to a dude in a bigtime emo band (contrary to what some might assume, getting married is totally goth) makes Paige tied with Sting for the gothest wrestler currently occupying the WWE roster, and places her amongst the gothest female wrestlers in WWE history. She’s arguably more goth than Shelly Martinez, who, remember, wasn’t a real vampire. She’ll never be more goth than Luna Vachon, but few are.
14 Bo Dallas
13 Erick Rowan
Rowan’s cut-short-too-soon run as a babyface proved he’s got plenty of potential to thrive on his own, so if someone argued that he belongs on a list of “15 Wrestling Personalities who Shouldn’t Join The Wyatt Family,” they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong.
11 Sister Abigail
Technically, she's already a member, or at least a member in spirit. Ever since Wyatt’s debut, much speculation has surrounded his oft-discussed but never seen mentor, Sister Abigail. Is she his biological sister? Is she a nun of some sort? Is she dead? Is she a ghost of some sort? Does she host a YouTube health and fitness advice show?
10 The Undertaker
9 Leo Kruger
Dozens of wrestling rumor sites reported that Adam Rose was as good as dead, and Leo Kruger was scheduled to return from Raymond Leppan’s imagination to fill in for Erick Rowan so the Wyatt faction could continue as the WWE’s de-facto Six Man Champions. Then Braun Strowman showed up instead and Rose’s new character talks about taking dumps a lot.
8 Hulk Hogan
Kayfabe scenario: Let’s say you spent the better part of two decades reminding children to train, say their prayers, eat their vitamins, be true to their country, and so on and so forth. In the process, you elevated your entire profession to unimaginable heights of notoriety and profitability. Later, when said profession began to look like an anachronism, you reinvented your image and helped make it relevant again. A short-sighted decision to put your whole family on a reality show - a choice likely egged on by your fame and money-seeking kin - blew up in your face, and basically wrecked your life. But you bounced back from that. Then you got outed in the media for some of the repulsive things you said while occupying the bottomless pit of post-reality TV despair. Suddenly the industry you created - the thousands of people whose careers wouldn’t exist if not for you - won’t even acknowledge your contributions. After everything, they've all washed their hands of you.
Then Bray Wyatt calls you up and says “Hey, brother, want to get back at 'em all?”
7 Eric Bischoff
6 The Dungeon of Doom (As many still-living members as possible, except Big Show)
5 John Cena
4 Mikey Whipwreck, Tajiri, and The Sinister Minister
3 Jeff Hardy
2 Vince McMahon
1 CM Punk and AJ Lee
And here’s where I cross the line between “fantasy booking” and “magical, impossible wish booking,” but it wouldn’t be Punk’s first involvement with a cult-ish faction. Merging the Straight Edge Society with the Wyatts wouldn’t be easy. The Wyatts would surely be opposed to shaving their heads, as well as dispensing with alcohol and/or any other drugs they might enjoy. Meanwhile, CM’s brash yet pragmatic attitude might clash with The New Face Of Fear, who is anything but pragmatic. However, if they could put their differences aside, Bray Wyatt and CM Punk’s combined forces would own the living crap out of everybody, plus everybody’s mom, win every wrestling title, and make all of the money. All of it. Every single dollar. More importantly, please come back, Phil. We miss you….. so much…...
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