Okay, let’s start this list by emphasizing that the Wyatt Family does not need new members. Bray Wyatt, Luke Harper, and Braun Strowman are getting by perfectly fine and well on their own. Roman Reigns and Dean Ambrose can’t touch them. Remember - even when The Shield was at its height of dominance with Seth Rollins still the brains of the operation, the Hounds of Justice remained no match for the Wyatts and the their mighty beards, as well as plastic novelty masks.
However, that doesn’t mean other denizens of the WWE wouldn’t better serve themselves by affiliating with the three Faces of Fear (er, not to be confused with the ‘90s Kevin Sullivan stable of the same name). Ever wonder why a human being, presumably one intelligent enough to tie his or her own shoes and survive in modern society with any degree of success, would volunteer to join a cult? Well, technically they sort of don’t. Cults use sophisticated emotional and psychological tactics to brainwash new recruits, but it's got to make some aspects of life easier when someone else is making your choices for you, even when their choice for you entails cleaning toilets with toothbrushes all day, right?
More importantly, the Wyatt Family isn’t like one of those scary real world cults that manipulate you into cutting off contact with your friends and family before taking your life savings. The Wyatt Family is a fun time happy zoom pow cult that only wants to spread Bray Wyatt’s message that society has ruined each of our individual lives with its mass sociopsychic distortions, forced us to our knees before false gods, and must therefore be destroyed at all costs.
Looking at it that way, every WWE wrestler, manager, announcer, and fan worldwide would be better off if they joined the Wyatt Family. Every human being on Earth would be better off if they joined the Wyatt Family. But Bray Wyatt is a humble, modest man, and likely isn’t interested in getting so far ahead of himself at the moment. For now, let’s just look at WWE people whose careers and life trajectories should realign themselves towards the whereabouts the buzzards appear headed.
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Self-identifying as a “Glampire” and getting engaged to a dude in a bigtime emo band (contrary to what some might assume, getting married is totally goth) makes Paige tied with Sting for the gothest wrestler currently occupying the WWE roster, and places her amongst the gothest female wrestlers in WWE history. She’s arguably more goth than Shelly Martinez, who, remember, wasn’t a real vampire. She’ll never be more goth than Luna Vachon, but few are.
Exactly as some might assume, turning heel is also totally goth, but if Paige threw her lot in with Wyatt’s agenda of industry-wide entropy, she’d upgrade from merely goth to straight-up evil. Meanwhile, the Wyatt’s would go from an homogeneous, all-scruffy male trio into the raddest co-ed stable since D-Generation X.
14 Bo Dallas
Who would've guessed that Mike "IRS" Rotunda has such staggeringly talented sperm? It’s a non-secret that the onetime Irwin R. Shyster sired both Bray Wyatt and Bo Dallas, but I don’t believe their siblinghood or lineage has ever been acknowledged on camera. Granted, Taylor Rotunda’s gratingly cheerful Bo Dallas persona wouldn’t exactly fit in with an apocalypse cult and Bray Wyatt hardly needs a comedy sidekick. But what if Dallas’s in-character dad confessed to fathering an illegitimate child, who was then adopted by an enigmatic woman who called herself “Sister Abigail?” Would Dallas try to convince his long lost brother to abandon his nihilistic ways and learn how to Bo-lieve in himself?
13 Erick Rowan
Rowan’s cut-short-too-soon run as a babyface proved he’s got plenty of potential to thrive on his own, so if someone argued that he belongs on a list of “15 Wrestling Personalities who Shouldn’t Join The Wyatt Family,” they wouldn’t necessarily be wrong.
But if Wyatt decides he and his buzzard-following buddies should start focusing on winning titles, considering Braun Strowman appears positioned for the singles division, he’s going to need the Rowan/Harper tandem back to lock down the tag team titles, when Rowan gets healthy. This would necessitate a New Day face turn, assuming they're still champions, but that’s all-but-inevitable at this point anyway. Everyone loves the New Day. They're like a funny Shield.
Being a cult leader is time consuming, and splitting his attentions between slapping the snot out of people and keeping his minions psychologically and emotionally dependent on his control must be exhausting for The Eater of Worlds. Even if the 51-year-old Raven isn’t in the physical shape he used to be, surely, his noted intellectual prowess remains intact. As an experienced cult leader himself, Raven would be handy as Wyatt’s second-in-command. Problems may arise if the ECW original can't reconcile his ego while working as a mouthpiece and assistant to a grappler who’s almost half his age and arguably borrowed bits and pieces of his act from The Nest and Flock years.
11 Sister Abigail
Technically, she's already a member, or at least a member in spirit. Ever since Wyatt’s debut, much speculation has surrounded his oft-discussed but never seen mentor, Sister Abigail. Is she his biological sister? Is she a nun of some sort? Is she dead? Is she a ghost of some sort? Does she host a YouTube health and fitness advice show?
It might make more sense for WWE to keep Sister Abigail an abstract concept - thereby avoiding the pitfalls of eventually turning her backstory into a tangled narrative that includes arson and necrophilia, then pretending none of those things happened so they can put her in a business suit and refer to her as “Corporate Abigail.” Still, if Mika Rotunda ends up at WWE, her incongruously normal personality might make her even creepier than a creepy person would be as the Wyatt Family matriarch. What if, instead of appearing as a monster, the Antichrist carried a yoga mat everywhere she went, adored Taylor Swift, and drank pumpkin spice latte from Starbucks instead of the blood of the unwashed? Sister Abigail could play out like a female Patrick Bateman.
10 The Undertaker
I can’t tell whether a big honkin’ Undertaker heel turn, including an alliance with onetime adversary Bray Wyatt, would strike us as shocking or not. Brock Lesnar now operates as a face in name as well as in fact, which doesn’t mean his arch rival needs to become a full-fledged badguy. But it couldn’t hurt. And it wouldn’t be much of a stretch to lump the vintage supernatural badass together with the upstart supernatural badass. In character, Wyatt has proclaimed himself the heir-apparent to The Undertaker’s mantle. What if The Undertaker started to agree with him and they arranged a type of Darth Sidious/Darth Vader-esque working relationship?
9 Leo Kruger
Dozens of wrestling rumor sites reported that Adam Rose was as good as dead, and Leo Kruger was scheduled to return from Raymond Leppan’s imagination to fill in for Erick Rowan so the Wyatt faction could continue as the WWE’s de-facto Six Man Champions. Then Braun Strowman showed up instead and Rose’s new character talks about taking dumps a lot.
WWE creative gave Adam Rose a bombastic entrance, then forgot to give him anything else to do - pretty much the say way they dropped the ball with Brodus Clay. As Kruger, Leppan presented himself as an almost believable serial killer, which is much more intimidating than a pooping guy. A feud between benevolent lunatic Dean Ambrose and malicious lunatic Kruger smacks of storyline potential and great upper-midcard matches. May Kruger rise again, and get cozy with Bray Wyatt’s merry band of malcontents.
8 Hulk Hogan
Kayfabe scenario: Let’s say you spent the better part of two decades reminding children to train, say their prayers, eat their vitamins, be true to their country, and so on and so forth. In the process, you elevated your entire profession to unimaginable heights of notoriety and profitability. Later, when said profession began to look like an anachronism, you reinvented your image and helped make it relevant again. A short-sighted decision to put your whole family on a reality show - a choice likely egged on by your fame and money-seeking kin - blew up in your face, and basically wrecked your life. But you bounced back from that. Then you got outed in the media for some of the repulsive things you said while occupying the bottomless pit of post-reality TV despair. Suddenly the industry you created - the thousands of people whose careers wouldn’t exist if not for you - won’t even acknowledge your contributions. After everything, they've all washed their hands of you.
Then Bray Wyatt calls you up and says “Hey, brother, want to get back at 'em all?”
I’m certainly not saying Hogan deserves much, if any, sympathy for his annihilated public image, nor that should he get his old job back. But there’s no doubt that if he did return to WWE, there would be storyline potential there and he’d be next-level over as a bitter-as-hell heel/fallen hero who accepts no personal accountability for his actions, is mad at everyone, and wants to help the Wyatts destroy the world.
7 Eric Bischoff
While Bray Wyatt has never explicitly stated his family’s goals and vision beyond cryptic platitudes, it’s sort of safe to presume he wants to destroy the WWE. Or at least take it over, thereby undermining its ability to brainwash humanity with false heroes and so on. Don’t know about you, but if my once-wildly successful company/brainchild went belly up and its competition was still flogging my dead baby's “Rise and Fall” 15 years later, partly to milk it for nostalgia clicks, party to gloat, I’d be pissed off. So pissed, I'd throw my significant financial weight and guidance behind obviously insane, dangerous people intent on directing my former business adversary to a similar fate.
6 The Dungeon of Doom (As many still-living members as possible, except Big Show)
We’ve been told to believe that The Dungeon of Doom was a remnant of WCW’s post-Hogan/pre-nWo goof-tacular mid-’90s that faded into obscurity alongside Kevin Sullivan’s on-camera role in the company. However - what if us forgetting about The Dungeon of Doom was part of Sullivan’s plan this whole time? Could it be that The Taskmaster has been behind the scenes, pulling the strings like some sort of pro wrestling Illuminati overlord? Was he the one who leaked the Hogan sex tape to Gawker, and in doing so, finally achieved his quest to destroy Hulkamania? Was the rise of The Wyatt Family - all of whom would’ve fit right in with Sullivan’s cabal had they been born 15 years earlier - also part of The Taskmaster’s grand scheme? If so, let Sullivan appear alongside the Wyatts with as many of his Dungeon brethren as possible….Except Big Show. Not even The Dungeon of Doom wants Big Show around anymore.
5 John Cena
Okay, so a certain subsection of the WWE universe has waited patiently for the High Poohbah of Thuganomics to switch allegiances and validate those “Cena Sucks” chants for the better part of 10 years. By now, we’ve accepted that it’s probably never going to happen and Cena will retire in five years with one of the longest uninterrupted runs as a babyfaces in history. But wouldn’t it be messed up if he wound up joining The Wyatt Family for some reason instead? Nothing that nonsensical and unexpected has taken place on a nationally broadcast wrestling show since Vince Russo left TNA. The world is overdue for a serious f-u to normalcy!
4 Mikey Whipwreck, Tajiri, and The Sinister Minister
If the Dungeon of Doom or Raven’s Flock were WCW’s answer to The Wyatt Family, then The Unholy Alliance between erstwhile whitebread babyface Mikey Whipwreck, The Japanese Buzzsaw Tajiri, and “The Sinister Minister” James Mitchell would be ECW's equivalent. Bray Wyatt might be the best talker to come about in WWE for a long time, but as a villain, he lacks something crucial - a maniacal laugh. He's obviously got the unnerving chuckle down pat, but he's never let loose with a full-blown, gratuitously drawn out, hysterical cackle. Adding Mitchell, Tajiri, and Whipwreck to his posse would undo this unfortunate circumstance.
3 Jeff Hardy
There’s a new, old image of Jeff Hardy on the WWE website’s homepage every time I look at it. Probably, that means absolutely nothing. But maybe, it means Jeff Hardy is slated to return to WWE any day now. But a homecoming for the Charismatic Enigma would face obstacles. Finn Balor has a similar but way cooler entrance routine, what with the bodypaint ‘n all and Kevin Owens does a better swanton. So Hardy would need something happening for himself beyond nostalgia value. How about a swanky new heel turn? Hardy would click with the Wyatt’s overall state of unorthodoxy and while I personally don’t think his mic skills are as bad as they’re sometimes said to be, it wouldn’t hurt if he had Bray Wyatt around to do all his promos for him.
2 Vince McMahon
Let’s say Papa Vince has grown a bit weary of Triple H’s and Stephanie McMahon’s continued incompetent managing of The Authority and decides it's time to swoop in and take the reigns himself. Why should he bother recruiting a new amoral yet-marketable careerist to control the world title or assemble a gang of subservient enforcers when he could just join The Wyatt Family? Would Bray Wyatt make an ideal corporate champion? Absolutely not, but keep in mind, McMahon is 70 years old and his mental faculties may not be as sharp as they once were. Or, even if they are, at least WWE could use “Vince is getting senile” as an in-story explanation for why he would join a hillbilly death cult.
1 CM Punk and AJ Lee
And here’s where I cross the line between “fantasy booking” and “magical, impossible wish booking,” but it wouldn’t be Punk’s first involvement with a cult-ish faction. Merging the Straight Edge Society with the Wyatts wouldn’t be easy. The Wyatts would surely be opposed to shaving their heads, as well as dispensing with alcohol and/or any other drugs they might enjoy. Meanwhile, CM’s brash yet pragmatic attitude might clash with The New Face Of Fear, who is anything but pragmatic. However, if they could put their differences aside, Bray Wyatt and CM Punk’s combined forces would own the living crap out of everybody, plus everybody’s mom, win every wrestling title, and make all of the money. All of it. Every single dollar. More importantly, please come back, Phil. We miss you….. so much…...
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