Folks, this one is not going to be a very politically correct article. Hopefully, you haven’t come to expect that from me, but I just wanted to be clear up front. With that out of the way, here’s a fun one right in time for summer (but, honestly, it’s good any time of year!).
Here are many terms for what we are about to discuss: jugs, chesticles, hooters, funbags, honkers, melons, boobs, or as Jerry Lawler so often and famously said: puppies. That’s right, folks, this one is all about the best twins in WWE history, and has absolutely nothing to do with Brie and Nikki (or, maybe it does – I mean, the sisters do have a couple nice sets). Look, I am sure there are some who will read this and start to shut this one off, and perhaps insinuate that I am sexist or a pervert. I prefer dirty old man, though I am not that old, and not really that bad either. I am not glorifying anything, nor am I really trying to objectify anything either.
That being said, there have been, and are, some incredibly endowed women who have worked in a WWE ring. This list does not seek to objectify; rather, it seeks to sing the praises each of these women deserve. How so? They each possess a natural beauty. Men are going to look. We are probably going to stare. But that is what happens when you encounter a stunning specimen, one of (mostly) natural beauty. We are mesmerized by these mammaries. We are entranced by these twins. And it’s time to rank them and thank them, so to speak, as we count down the top 20 (or would that really be 40?) twins in WWE history. And, the amazing thing about this list? We barely needed to get outside of actual WWE main roster talent. That means there were plenty of options that just did not make the cut, like legendary twins from ECW and WCW. It doesn’t mean they aren’t awesome, it just means that our cups already runneth over!
Why not start the list off with one of the leaders of the current women’s revolution? A multi-time champion in just a few short years, she is a striking figure in the women’s division. Tall, strong and confident. And, she has a rack on her, too. I will admit, there’s still a hang-up for me, because she’s, you know, Ric Flair’s kid. But, regardless of who her dear old daddy is, Charlotte has herself a wonderful pair of twins. I’m sure there’s guys speculating as to whether these are natural twins, or enhanced twins. My take? Who cares, twins are twins, and awesome twins are, well, you know…awesome. And Charlotte’s twins? Would absolutely have Lawler screaming “Puppies!”, so they make the list. I really don’t see the downside here.
19 Eva Marie
Now, I might as well say it here and now: enhanced, artificial, or otherwise “fake” twins are perfectly allowed on this list. Because, for the most part, most guys can’t tell the difference (or, more accurately, won’t care if it’s real or fake if they get to ogle and enjoy). And, in the case of Eva Marie, her sweater puppies are absolutely, one hundred percent documented as fake. She admitted as much on Total Divas, and had a medical scare related to her implants. But, when they aren’t misbehaving, they are making plenty of men drool. She might have no talent in the ring, but her breasts kept her in many a heart and mind. So, when you think of it like that, we might call them fake, but she no doubt considers them a wise business decision.
Wait, what’s this? Bayley? Miss Hug Life herself? The Hugger? Sure, why not! Just because she’s throwing out a wholesome, down-to-earth image does not mean she can’t be admired or appreciated for having a perky and pert rack. Is she the biggest on this list? No, not even close. Does she show them off much? Sadly, no. Hardly at all. But are they nice to see, what we get to see of them? You bet your bottom dollar. She’s a good athlete, she’s in great shape, and her twins are absolutely one area that benefits greatly from her physique. So, let’s caller the Hugger with jugs, if we want to use one of the wonderful slang terms for her twins. Has a nice ring to it, don’t you think?
17 Terri Runnels
When Goldust split with R-Truth, I’d be lying if I wasn’t at least somewhat hoping that Terri would come back. I know it’s a long shot, given the real-life relationship issues, but how wonderful would it be to see Terri, and her twins, back on RAW? It would be the two best returns we’ve seen all year, right after Matt and Jeff Hardy! And, with melons like those in his corner, Goldust would surely be on the rise, right? I mean, how could you keep him down then? What’s not to love about that pairing? OK, I know it’s not happening, and that’s fine. But man, it’s fun to dream about Terri and her towering twins. What’s not to love about them? Aside from that they aren’t on TV, nothing.
16 Ember Moon
I was admittedly tempted to have the young Miss Moon much, much higher on this list. She has quickly become a favorite of mine, and while most of it is because I think she’s incredibly talented, a lot of it is also because she’s very fun to watch, and extremely easy on the eyes. And what’s not to love. Her assets are in great shape, as is the rest of her. I think she’s destined for great things both in NXT and on the main roster in due time, but one thing is for sure-even if she never has that breakthrough match. Even if she never claims a major title. She will always have her amazing good looks, and one heck of a sweet set of sweater puppies.
Now, if you were judging based on being skinny, or conforming to things like “societal norms," Natalya wouldn’t be anywhere on this list, most likely. And, as a huge fan of hers since the first time I saw her, I have to say that would be a crying shame. But, this is not the list looking for skinny minnies, nor are we trying to rank which women stack up a certain way relative to what society deems attractive. We are, however, looking for stacked racks, and in addition to being beautiful, as well as a skilled sports entertainer, Nattie sports quite the rack. Now, she’s married (to semi-retired Tyson Kidd), so we can only dream of what he gets to enjoy. But there is little doubt in my mind that they are extremely enjoyable.
Folks, if you aren’t into the enhancements, these next few ladies just won’t be for you. However, I think if you aren’t into enhancements, these next few women would make converts of just about anyone. Lita is, of course, more alternative than some other lovely ladies on the list. She was part of Team Xtreme, she’s tattooed and she was perfectly happy showing off her thongs to every viewer, each and every week. And somewhere along the line, she felt it would be a good move to have her breasts augmented. And while I think she was absolutely gorgeous as she was pre-surgery, there’s really no denying that her surgeon was an artist, as her twins look even better now than they did before. Thank you, good doctor!
Right up front, the late Chyna was nothing like the “normal” or stereotypically attractive woman. She knew it. We knew it. Initially, it seemed like Joanie Laurer did not care, but it can’t be easy being such a specimen, being so analyzed and stared at. And, at some point, Joanie decided that it would be a wise move, for her personal and professional interests, to get some surgery done to help her look more feminine. She had more than just her twins done, but her twins really…well…stand out. Or, stood out, that is. And, pretty much any of-age male during the Attitude Era has seen them, au naturel (or, as natural as silicon gets), thanks to her adventures in Playboy and beyond. And if you weren’t of age during the Attitude Era, there’s this invention called Google…
12 Beth Phoenix
Ah, Beth Phoenix. I kind of forgot about Mrs. Edge, and then I was reminiscing about things, and her statuesque body, in the flowing Hall of Fame gown, popped into my head. All I can really say is, her husband is one lucky son of a biscuit, because Beth’s twins are fit and fierce, perky and powerful. I mean, they are just…gorgeous. And so is she, to be fair. This is not a case of one asset being awesome, and it being so awesome it masks other flaws. Nope, not with Beth. You might not even think her puppies are her best asset, but no matter how you slice it, they are phenomenal funbags. If I were her husband, I’d be content with the knowledge of just what an amazing rack my wife had.
11 Kelly Kelly
Here’s a fun one. Sadly, she’s an easy one to forget, but given her absolutely amazing body (and, of course, the mammary attractions), she should not be. Kelly Kelly was in the business when selling the sex (figuratively, not literally) was all fine and dandy. I mean, let’s be honest-during the Attitude and Ruthless Aggression Eras, skin was in, and Vince loved getting his Divas all over the publications, television and anywhere else he could have them overexposed. Kelly Kelly was no different, because she was just such incredible eye candy. I mean, go ahead…look at her. I won’t judge you for it. In fact, I might judge you if you didn’t! Not only was she a Divas champion, she’s a former swimsuit model, and a real life Barbie (as in, that’s her real name, and she actually lives in Malibu). Damn right this Barbie has a fine set of twins!
Though she wasn’t in WWE all that recently-sad that I can say that, when she was there less than a decade ago-she was still a memorable woman in the company. As with fellow Diva Kelly Kelly, Maria was a prior beauty pageant contestant. As much as so many of us love the women’s revolution and what it has brought us, we also don’t complain about this period for women in WWE, when Vince and company favored beauty queens and good (amazing) looks over athleticism and wrestling talent. All that being said, Maria carved out her own spot within the company, for the relatively brief run she had. While I don’t want to be overly mean, her looks surely are a reason why she was able to be seen and get over. But, hey, if I were her and I had twin girls like hers, I’d have done the same exact thing. Milk them if you have them, right?
9 Stacy Keibler
Not that I expect to need proof as to just how hot she was and is, how’s this: I present to you the one-time partner in crime of George Clooney. Yes, THAT George Clooney. And if I had been him, I’d probably have convinced her I was still a doctor, and that I was offering to provide regular, frequent and thorough testing. I mean, why not? Are you going to tell me that YOU would not want to play doctor with the former Miss Hancock? Now, mind you, for as long as she was a part of the various wrestling federations, she was really known more for her legs-but that’s being so limiting, and unfair to the rest of her body of work. Including those wonderful twins.
Ah, lovely Debra. The former Mrs. Mongo McMichael. Also, the former Mrs. Stone Cold Steve Austin. And while I am sure they both fell for her because of her absolutely pleasant personality, I am willing to bet both men (and many others) are breast men as well. Why would I say that? Well, as far as twins go, Debra has herself quite the amazing pair. But, as with so many others on this list, she was and is so much more than just a pretty pair. As in, Debra was a fairly active-and successful-beauty pageant entrant. And after that career, of course, she turned to wrestling as a valet and manager, and someone who was exceptional at turning heads because of just how well endowed she was.
If you were around for the Attitude Era…you know Sable. If you recall her Playboy spreads….you REALLY know Sable (and, considering how well those editions sold, I would say a lot of guys knew her back then). Not as well as her husband, current WWE Universal Champion Brock Lesnar, of course…but Sable wasn’t hiding much. And, why should she? Always considered an absolutely stunning specimen, her risqué shoots only reinforced that opinion. It also showed off her incredible chest, not that it wasn’t already a focal point of many guys in that adult male (and teenage) demographic. But can you blame them? Hot, sexy, confident and generally unavailable…she had the goods, she flaunted the goods, and it made men everywhere just go bananas. Or, should I say, melons?
Some might say I have Maryse (and others) too high on the list. But I look at it like this: some of the women from say, the Attitude Era, had smoking hot bodies and amazing chests back in the day. And while they still look good now, for those of us actively watching the current product, there are plenty of young, perky and all around fun to watch..um…talents. Yes, talents. But, of course, those talents have a pair of pleasure pillows-if you are among the lucky guys to actually meet a WWE woman, sweep her off her feet and gain access to every fanboy's wet dream. And as far as hot talents go, Maryse is clearly up there. Puppies AND an accent? The only thing not to like? Her husband.
5 Alexa Bliss
As her shirt says, she is “five feet of fury”. And while that may be true enough, there’s also that wonderful old saying that good things come in small packages-not the dastardly pinning predicament, either. So, as far as small packages are concerned, Alexa Bliss is pretty much as diminutive as you are going to find on a WWE roster (unless they decide to bring back the midget division as a SmackDown exclusive!). And, while she might not ever be as endowed as say, Miss Debra (because hey, she COULD have things augmented), I think what she brings to the ring every night is a pert and perky, and rather wonderful, set of twins that would be rather hard to ignore. At least, that’s how I see them!
4 Becky Lynch
Let’s put it this way…if it meant getting a peek at her lucky charms, the Irish Lass Kicker could kick my ass all day, every day, and twice on Sunday. I couldn’t really say if it’s the flaming (dyed) red hair, the accent, her sassiness or just the whole package, but pretty Miss Lynch is a sight for these eyes, I’ll tell you that much. Honestly, considering how sexy she is, and how well she stacks up against the other chests, I mean, competition in the women’s division, I really can’t imagine anyone out there complaining about her. As in, no complaints she’s this high on the list, and no complaints if they got to spend half a minute alone with her and her twins.
3 Nikki Bella
You knew a Bella twin (and her twins) were going to make the list, right? I mean, they’ve been all over the division-first as Divas, now just as women, and running Total Divas and Total Bellas too. Yes, you could say they really built a great career for themselves, on the basis of their amazing good looks, especially their curves. But, of the two siblings, Nikki wasn’t exactly happy with how curvy her curves were, and she, like so many others, decided she was going to give Mother Nature a hand. And, since she has a twin sister working right along side her, the augmentation was rather obvious-one twin’s twins were noticeably bigger than the other twin’s twins were. And what a fine set of twins they are!
2 Stephanie McMahon
Here’s the boss' daughter. Also, the wife of a multi-time WWE champion, and current Chief Operating Officer too. Not too shabby, right? Nope, not at all. But even the woman dubbed the Billion Dollar Princess has needs and insecurities, right? Of course. And way back when, Stephanie McMahon decided that she wasn’t happy with her average or subpar twins. She wanted to take it up a cup or two, and really get herself a set of confidence-inspiring sweater puppies. And did she ever get attention! Poor Steph took some heat, on air, from the guys over them, but I don’t see what they were complaining about. Now that she’s had a few kids, and keeps herself in excellent shape, those enhanced twins just keep looking better and better.
1 Trish Stratus
Surprised at the top pick? I don’t know why you would be. When it comes to women in WWE, she was always one of the best. One of the best wrestlers, one of the best performers, a solid entertainer and a smoking hot physical specimen too. I mean, keep in mind-she was a fitness model first and foremost, THEN she came to the WWE and became a champion and eventually, a Hall of Famer. And while she remains quite the total package (no, not Lex Luger), her breasts are as obvious an asset as any other part of her whole look. But, really, that has to be expected considering she always kept herself in amazing shape. And, in gazing upon her absolutely gorgeous body of work, you can’t help but be totally Stratusfied.